ILLICIT AFFAIR | mileven

sixteen

she knew that her favorite sound would come around and haunt her one day. she knew that she the silence would eventually feel louder than ripped screams of anguish, she knew that it would eventually be her only company while being locked up in a dark cell.

her knees were pulled towards her chest, her back was resting against the harsh and uneven brick wall of the cell and the only source of light was through the tiny window above granting her illumination.

her tongue was dryly resting against the roof of her mouth, she can't remember the last time she's drunk something, the last time she's eaten.

it must've been a blessing that she can't see the way she looks because despite her cruel circumstance, it would've her broken her a lot more down to see her disheveled hair, her dirty dress that's itching her body, chapped lips with dried crusts of blood along it, as a result of her chewing down in distress a lot, and lifeless eyes with not a single spark in them.

deep in the corners of her mind, she'd always known that she wasn't meant to have a happy life. she'd always known that she'd have a tragic death, much similar to her parents ones.

with nothing but herself for days in this cell, el had been going back to distant memories and thought them through over and over.

she remembered seeing her mother in her deathbed, her face so pale that she resembled a cloud in the sky, her trembling hand reaching up to cup eleanor's cheek.

in her very last moments, she uttered words that choked eleanor up, words that haven't left her even when her mother has. "my dearest, go and live the life that you deserve."

her words planted seeds of hope into her soul when the palace took her in after the death of her mother, she started to feel like in midst of all the hopelessness going on in her life, there was a life she deserved beyond it.

now she knows that this is the life she's always deserved. how foolish of her to think that anything would work out in her favor.

she was cursed to live a life of hopelessness, a life that pushes her into a dug hole and buries her alive.

a life that makes her love people she can't even dare to imagine to have.

michael, oh michael, her bittersweet temptation, her temporary heaven, her figmental salvation.

perhaps her life wouldn't have led this way if she never dared to look up from her feet the moment she's met him. perhaps her life wouldn't have ended up in a lonely and gelid cell if she turned her head when they've leaned in for their first kiss.

perhaps tossing the blame on him would be easier, to be mad at him for dragging her away from the long life she's deserved to live, to hold a grudge on him for blinding her eyes with love and killing her from the inside by keeping her a secret — by exposing her as a secret.

but she is unable to do so.

how can she toss the blame on him when she's so willingly accepted for all this to happen? how can she toss the blame on him when he's made her feel alive in midst of her ever growing grief? how can she toss the blame on him when she knows a life without knowing michael's love would be far more miserable than sitting in this cell?

she hugged her knees closer to her chest at the thought of him, a shiver breaking through her body when the temperature felt like it lowered itself even more.

what would she give to have him here next to her, to feel his body heating up her freezing one, to bask into his comfort.

she can't help but wonder where he is right now, what he is doing. is he thinking of her as much as she's thinking of him? a soundless chuckle left her lips, of course he's thinking of her — possibly blaming himself for what has happened.