A Bittersweet Kind of Love

Chapter 15

Now that Michael filed, I was convinced that he really loved me. He said he wanted to marry me and have a family with me. He was away a lot out of the country and that drove me back to my drug induced nights. I wouldn't call it a habit or an addiction. I convinced myself that it wasn't but it was and I know if Michael found out, he would be so scared and upset since he'd been through it himself.

I went to my doctor and told him I couldn't sleep which I really couldn't. He gave me a sleep medication and I may have taken more than directed on some nights. I had to get some people to actually get more for me under their name.

When Michael finally came back from overseas, I wasn't myself and he knew it. It was December and the baby was still growing inside my sister and not only her but my whole family now, minus Kyra who was clueless, was pressuring me to go along with the plan and raise the baby as my own. They gave me a deadline. If I didn't make a decision after the first trimester, she was going to get the abortion.

It was killing me inside and I hated them all for it. It wasn't fair to me or the baby and why was her wrong doing being put all on me? This is the main reason I had trouble sleeping at night. I had nightmares about it. I knew I would feel guilty for the rest of my life if I didn't do this but I really didn't want to. I was growing with Michael and we planned to make our own family soon. I really didn't want any kids right now and I didn't want that responsibility. It was so unfair and it was killing me. I took my meds to numb my thoughts and I wasn't showing up at work like I should've been.

When Michael walked in the house and saw me, I was so embarrassed. I looked like shit lying on my bed. I looked like death. My hair was all over the place and there were bags under my eyes and I know I looked high, which I was.

"What's wrong with you?"

"I'm tired."

He sat on the bed and tried fixing my hair with his fingers, running them through it. His hands in my hair felt so good and relaxing I fell asleep just like that. Life was just so much easier when he was physically there for me.

When I woke up, it was dark and he was next to me on the bed rubbing my back and watching TV. I grunted and stretched. "That was the best sleep."

"Baby, are you okay? You slept the whole day."

"How long was I sleep?"

"Well, I came here at 11 a.m. and now it's after 11 p.m. If you weren't snoring so loud, I would have thought you were dead."

"I haven't' slept lately."

"Why not?"

"I missed you," I said smiling at him.

"So now you're an insomniac?"

"No just a maniac that really missed you." I climbed on top of him and kissed on his neck. I felt dirty and stinky though so I went to the bathroom and freshened myself up.

I combed my hair, brushed my teeth, and washed up a little. I put on fresh clothes and got something to drink then got back in the bed with him. We sat up and watched TV together.

"Are you hungry?" he asked me.

"No, I'm fine." Reality started setting in again. But I didn't know how to say it to him. I knew I would though. I told Michael everything and even though at times I wanted to keep things to myself, I just couldn't. I always ended up telling him. But how was I supposed to say Leila's been killing off your children like it's nothing and that my sister was about to follow in her footsteps if I didn't agree to take in her child and raise it myself, meaning basically Michael we're about to be parents. I put my hand over my head thinking about it.