ʀᴀᴄɪɴɢ ʙʟᴜᴇ 💙 ᴄʜᴀɴɢʟɪX

4

Chapter Song Suggestion: Heaven - Kane Brown

Felix stared at the pale hand entwined limply with his own. He stroked the back of it with his thumb. "Yah, Binnie," he whispered to the man in the hospital bed. "You remember the first time you held my hand?"
It was really a funny memory. It was technically their second date when it had happened. Jisung and Minho had gone to Tottori, leaving Felix pretty much alone at the garage. No one but he had the guts to stay around when Minho was away, afraid they'd break something and get in trouble with the owner. Changbin had driven over after receiving a text from him. It wasn't anything spectacular. A simple, hey come over to the garage.
The reason Felix used the word technically for their second date is because it had never been established as a date. Their first date in Changbin's mind had been a test run. He'd told him that a year after they got together. Felix argued that he was already calling Changbin his boyfriend by the end of the test run, but Changbin always laughed at it. So their non-official second date had happened in Minho's garage. More specifically, on Minho's track.
"You really like drifting, don't you?" Changbin asked. He was leaning up against his car that was parked on the pathway beside the road used for racing. His arms crossed over his chest and he was staring at Felix, who had popped his head outside of the drivers side window.
Felix stared at the mans toned biceps before responding. "Yeah, I do," he said.
Changbin pushed himself up from his car and walked over to Felix's. He dragged his hand around the hood of the yellow car. The only thought on Felix's mind was how it would've felt to be the car. He'd experienced Changbin's playfulness, but to actually be touched or held by him seemed like a distant dream. The hood popped open, pulling the drifter out of his daydream. When he got out, he saw Changbin overlooking the engine.
"It's nice," he muttered. It seemed like he was in a daze.
"Yeah. It's definitely a good one. I would've lost half my races without it," Felix replied.
"Why do you drift anyway? I know why you race, but why specifically drifting? All the other guys seem to do other stuff that isn't as dangerous."
He was referencing Seungmin and Hyunjin. The two rarely ever got hurt. Hyunjin's destroyed Spyder had been a once in a lifetime accident. "I don't know. I guess it's a sense of freedom? There's this feeling when you're spinning that you don't get from anything else," Felix told the mechanic. Changbin shut the hood of the car and stared at Felix. "Like, when you're on those teacups rides. Your head gets dizzy and you feel sick, but it's oddly satisfying. You start to laugh and this weird chemical starts filling your brain—"
"That's your blood rushing to your head," Changbin interrupted.
Felix rolled his eyes and leaned his back against his door. "Whatever it is, wise guy, it's a free feeling. I enjoy it. There's always something to cause stress. Drifting is my break from it."
The black-haired guy nodded his head. Surprisingly he hadn't made any flirtatious jokes yet. Felix was confused by him. The drifter slipped off his fingerless gloves and tucked them away in his pocket. He then clenched and unclenched his hand into a fist a few times to try and shake the pain away. He had a habit of gripping too tightly onto the steering wheel, causing bad callouses and blisters to form on a few occasions. When Changbin noticed the red areas around his palm, he took his hand and inspected it.
Felix watched him do so. There was nothing to say. Felix was interested in the sudden touch, as well as embarrassed that Changbin was seeing his rough looking hands. They weren't pretty. Not to him. Changbin seemed to like them though. He rubbed the center with his thumb, massaging it for a bit before moving down to the fatty side of his knuckles, which he also caressed gently.
"You should take better care of your hands," he said. Felix ignored him and tried tugging his hand away, but Changbin entwined their fingers and stopped him from doing so. "Jisung has rough hands too. It must be a racer thing," he mumbled.
"Do you not race?" Felix asked.
"Not really. It's more of Chris and Jisung's thing. I prefer fixing up broken shit," Changbin answered.
"Then you'll have the time of your life with me," the drifter muttered.
Changbin looked up at the strange comment, eyes devoid of any judgment or pressure to explain. Felix stared without a single ounce of fear for the first time. The mechanic had the weird ability to calm him down. No, it wasn't calming, it was something else. He just felt safe. With a man looking as fit as Changbin, he was either intimidating or a protective shield. Felix was leaning toward the latter.
"You know, your drifting is really amazing. Maybe it's just because I haven't seen a lot of it before, or because I'm used to Jisung's shitty driving, but the way you drive is different."
Felix knew he didn't mean the comment about his best friend. Jisung was an amazing driver. Not the best, but pretty damn good. It's just that most of the drivers in Minho's crew didn't do anything but drive. "It better be. I dropped out of high school at sixteen and wasted every free second I had on it."
His parents didn't care enough about him to pay attention to the fact that he had ditched school. They never answered the teachers calls. Changbin adjusted his hold on Felix's hand. "Let's go out later this week, I want to get to know you more," Changbin told Felix. The sentence he would never forget in the lifetime he lived would be that one. I love you meant nothing compared to those words he'd spouted that day. No one wanted to get to know Lee Felix. They wanted Lee Felix to know them. The only other person to want to know Felix was Minho. That didn't make any of his friend's bad people, it just meant they weren't as close. They didn't have the connection he and Minho shared. Maybe no one ever would.
"You might regret it," Felix commented.
Changbin scoffed and released Felix's hand. "I don't regret the things I do. Those mistakes make me who I am. If you're a mistake, I'll live
with it. If you aren't, I'll live with you."
Felix tightened his grip around Changbin's cold hand and stood up. Perhaps it was reckless and dumb, but he climbed into the bed without a second thought. Sometimes he did that. To get the least bit closer to Changbin. To hear his heartbeat and make sure it was still beating. He had to know that the monitor wasn't lying to him and that Changbin was still alive. When his ear hit his boyfriend's chest, tears welled up in his eyes. Relief mixed with a ton of pain. His heart was beating. It just wasn't beating like it used too. Felix closed his eyes and hid his face with his hand. It's not like anyone would come in. Changbin couldn't see him either. Still, he hid himself away while he cried.
He missed Changbin so damn much. He missed when his arms could wrap around him and when they cuddled so close that Felix could feel the nervous pounding against Changbin's chest. Those were the times he knew Changbin loved him. If Changbin was asleep, was he dreaming of Felix? Had he found someone new? How did being half dead even work? The doctors said Changbin might be able to hear him. If that were the case, why hadn't he come back? After all the hours spent begging him to come back, he was still lying in a bed limply. It wasn't up to Changbin whether he woke up or not. Felix hated that more than anything.
"Can't you wake up and hold me again? Like the day you told me you liked me, can't you hold me until your arms go numb?"
It had been the first time Felix had ever invited anyone over to his apartment. Minho didn't count. Minho helped pay for it. He was pretty much a second owner. None of the other guys had seen it before though. Not the inside anyway. Felix kept it entirely sealed off. The door to his apartment was the door to his heart. If he opened it for you, he was letting you inside his world. His world was painted dark blue and left completely bare. Around the house there were a few glasses, a vacuum, couch and a small television. There was also a small room that extended off from a short hallway. A bathroom sat on the opposite side of it.
The whole apartment was tiny. That's all Felix could afford. He would die before he took more than the water bill from Minho's pockets. "It's not big. There's barely anything in here. Don't expect much from a kid that ran away from home," Felix had told Changbin when they entered through the front door.
Changbin didn't seem bothered by the small space and took his shoes off. After doing so, he headed toward the couch and took his seat. "It's cozy, anything too big is annoying to take care of."
Felix shrugged and headed into his kitchen; if you could even call it a kitchen. He grabbed two cans of soda and then walked toward the couch, taking the spot next to Changbin as he handed him one of the drinks. "I don't mind either. Big, small, as long as I have a place to sleep," he said jokingly.
There seemed to be an understanding with Changbin that everything that escaped his mouth had an underlying truth. He couldn't hide with him. Be it bad or good, he had yet to find out.
"Good, cause sadly, I'm short," Changbin replied. He had a way of twisting subjects into flirtatious games.
Felix smiled and leaned his head against Changbin's shoulder. When the mechanic didn't reject the action, he snuggled closer. "I like baby Changbin," he whispered.
Changbin sighed and kicked his legs over Felix's. He then scooted his way down so his head would end up in the drifters lap. "Baby Changbin likes you too," Changbin said in a high pitch. Felix rolled his eyes and began threading his fingers through the guys hair. He stared into his eyes, mind replaying the few meetings they'd had so far. "You look sad," Changbin added after a while.
Felix glanced toward the window. His eyes spilled too many secrets. Changbin didn't like the resistance and grabbed the blonde's jaw gently, turning his head back so their eyes met again. "If you keep seeking out the sadness, you'll be met with a storm," Felix told him.
Changbin gave a cheeky smile and said, "Don't I look like the type to like the rain? Plus, a little thunder never hurt anyone."
Felix scoffed and shook Changbin's hand off his chin. "I'm afraid of thunder," he relayed with a grunt. He wanted to push the older man off of his lap and throw him out of the apartment. He kept getting things out of him. That wasn't going to be possible in the next few seconds, however. Changbin pulled Felix down and wrapped his arms around him, keeping him from getting up if he so chose to.
"Why?" Changbin asked. There was no hesitance in his words. He wanted to know it all.
Felix relaxed in the others hold. He knew he shouldn't have. Changbin was still unknown territory. Not everyone was an enemy and sometimes it was hard to think anyone was an ally; Felix had to choose which Changbin was. "It's like the sky is arguing with itself. I don't like the loud noises," Felix explained.
"Arguing isn't always bad. Sometimes we argue because we care about someone. Maybe one cloud is hurt but is still trying to make rain for us. The other cloud might be mad at it for putting others before itself."
Felix snorted. What an analogy. "You know very well what I'm referring to," he mumbled, setting his head against Changbin's chest. He heard a repetitive beat. He quickly found out that it was the mans heart. Was he nervous? God knew Felix was. Being so close to someone had never felt so right before. He hoped Changbin felt the same way.
"I was trying to distract you from it. Not everything has to be a reminder of your parents," Changbin said.
"You don't even know the story. You have guts to say that," Felix replied.
"Then tell me."
He didn't know what part of him decided it was okay to confide in Changbin. It wasn't safe to tell people about what could break him. Yet he did it anyway. He told him all about his parents. It started off without detail. He explained how they fought constantly. He woke up to screaming and he fell asleep to it. Sometimes what put him to sleep wasn't the raging vocals of his trashy neighbors, but the sound of his fathers fist colliding into his mother repeatedly. He told him about the times he cried so hard he couldn't speak the next day. He explained the taste fear had left on his tongue. No one believed him when he said fear had a taste.
Felix even brought up the feelings he felt. How a mixture of betrayal and forgiveness mixed within him from time to time. He shook with an intensity as the feelings he'd hid away for so long slowly leaked out. Changbin held him through it all. His arms kept him safe from the memories that tried to eat away at him and bring him back into a repeating circle of self-hate. Maybe it wasn't I love you quite yet, but there was definitely the feeling of liking someone. Felix liked Changbin. Probably more than he should. And yet the only thing Changbin said at the end was, "sometimes you can tell a stranger more than you can tell a friend. You feel safe when they don't know the you that you have built up over the years. They see the real you and when they stay, you remember that not everyone is going to leave you behind."
That was true. Felix had indeed felt safe with Changbin because he didn't have to be someone he wasn't. He could show all the sides of himself. That never changed even as they fell deeper in love with each other. Felix could always tell Changbin anything. There were no secrets. Changbin knew everything. He had never thought prince charming's existed. No one could read your mind. Changbin hadn't gained the ability to do so, but instead he had learned so much about Felix, he could tell with a single look. Oh, Felix is hungry. Felix is sad. Felix is unbelievably happy. Whatever it was that Felix felt, Changbin knew.
Felix moved his head away from Changbin's chest and buried it into his neck. He avoided the tube that delivered air to his nose. He had done the same thing so many times he was basically a pro at making sure he never messed up any of Changbin's equipment. Ever since Changbin fell asleep like sleeping beauty, no one had been able to read Felix. He missed it. He wanted to fight with Changbin about him knowing him too well. He wanted to scream and say, leave me alone, only for Changbin to kiss him to shut him up. He wanted to see Changbin get angry at him when Felix unconsciously shit talked himself. He wanted to go on a million dates. He wanted so many things. He especially wanted to drive away with Changbin into the dark night like they had done so many times together.
There was one memory that came to mind. Their first drive had been the most interesting one in Felix's opinion. They hadn't gone out with the idea to drive on the highway for hours. They entered a race together, won first and second place, and then when it was over, Felix abandoned his car and jumped into Changbin's. Then they raced away from the officers that had been called on the racers. They played music at ear-killing volume, zoomed through lanes, and in-between cars. It was one of the most exciting nights of Felix's life.
It felt like he was being chased by every single anxious thought he ever had, and he was outrunning them simply because he had Changbin by his side. They'd screamed at the top of their lungs, drifted until the tires smelt like they were melting, and drove until eventually the meter on the gas flicked to E. When they couldn't drive anymore, they played music on their phone. Why not play love songs while sitting on the trunk? That's what Changbin had said. So the two shuffled Spotify and skipped a few songs. When they got to their sixth skip(who had the money for premium? not Felix), they ended up with a country song. Neither liked country. The song that played that night didn't end up so bad in their opinion.
That could've been because of the fact that they were kissing by the ninth word sung by the artist. The lyrics were just so true. Changbin was his heaven; his haven; his hero. Nothing was better than Changbin; not even drifting. No car could ever put a smile on Felix's face like Changbin did. With Changbin, he was flying without wings. He could breath without lungs. He could happily lie to himself and say he was invincible. Because in the end, the repercussion was Changbin loving him that much more. He could do anything with Changbin. At least, that's what he had thought. And that was something he would never allow himself to think again. No matter how amazing and free he felt with Changbin's love, he would live in fear of losing him for the rest of his life. They say you only notice what you have when it disappears. Felix never thought he took anything for granted. Not until the accident that took his other half away.