another update? *gasps*
bit of a random filler chapter but enjoy ;) x
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I wake up with my head caught between the crook of Tristans elbow and his chest; he's staring sleepily at the ceiling, like he's been awake for hours but wants nothing more than to have been asleep.
He leans down and kisses my head as I stir.
"Morning." he smiles softly. I look up at him like I'm in a dream still, like last night didn't happen. Not because i'm running away this time, but because every fibre in my being still can't swallow that this is the decision we've made. Even if it is the one that soothes my soul like a still ocean on a July evening.
"M'rning." I groan, stretching my arms up and letting out an overwhelmingly large yawn. We laugh, and reside into silence after my head perches back down onto that thin chest, and i run my fingers across his stomach.
Sweet bliss- though I can't help but feel he isn't really here.
After twenty minutes or so, we pad downstairs into my kitchen where mum and dad sit. As I turn to the blonde boy to ask what breakfast he wants, he carries on into the garden, fumbling with a cigarette packet coming from his pocket. I haven't seen him smoke in a while, not in the morning at least. Kind of hot? Maybe. But certainly not always a good sign.
"The pair of you look tired." mum says softly, using that voice she does when she's suggesting that I should elaborate. Suggesting I explain. Referring to the fact we've been apart and now we are together, like a couple somewhat. I think about it from her perspective; two 18 year old boys who half live together, share a bed and bicker like a married couple... I suppose we don't always look overly platonic. But that is not something i'm ready for just yet.
"Yeah," I say, absentmindedly as I pour a bowl of each of Cheerios. "We've both been busy."
"Not together, though?" my dad says, choosing such a suitable moment to finally tune into conversation.
"No," I nod, waiting for the extension of his phrasing. Waiting for him to ask.
"And how's Sarah?" there it is.
I avoid eye contact as I lay the two bowls down and patiently wait for Tris to come in, all the while hoping he doesn't. Not while I talk about Sarah. Gosh, I guess there's still so many things we need to iron out. Perhaps I was foolish in hoping I could go to sleep last night with the world being sorted today.
"We er- I um... Well I broke it off with her."
A silence. Not bad. Not good. Just silence.
They both nod, returning back to their individual activities, not saying a word.
"Just not really my type I guess."
After a while Mum looks up to the back door where a silhouette of Tristan shines through, and then over to me. She smiles knowingly. "You've got to do what you've got to do, I guess."
After five more minutes I wander over to the garden where he sits behind a wall, shivering in the cold and looking off into space.
"Hey, pretty boy." I say, wrapping my jumper tighter around myself. "It's fucking freezing."
He laughs, nodding, offering his arm for some warmth and protection. I snuggle into him happily, safe behind a wall where no one but the crows can see us. He takes a drag of what must be his second cigarette and blows it out slowly. His hands are shaky.
"How are you feeling?" I ask, looking up at him. He always looks beautiful, even on the grey days. His jaw is set stern and his eyes cold, but i know that when he turns to me and talks they melt like honey.
"Okay.." he breathes. "Scared, overwhelmed, but okay."
"We can work with that." I nodded, giving him a soft squeeze. There's silence for a while as the world rests so interminably grey. "And us? Are we okay?"
He nods, looking at his shoes and not me.
"Yeah, I think so. Right?" he says, his voice sitting somewhere in between convinced and unconvinced. "I mean I guess we have some things we need to talk about.."
"And I suppose we need to decide what we actually are." I let out a sharp breath, hot and impatient all of a sudden. Often I go to bed thinking all these problems of mine will be gone in the morning, only to wake up with the realisation that they're still there. At this point, my chest sinks and my heart races and I wonder what it is I'll have to do that day to ease my mind. "Because, like, you're my best friend? And I know I love you, that I really like you? But does that mean we date or do we go straight into being official? And then what? What happens if it ends, and I don't have you anymore. What happens if I'm not like all those other guys? I don't even fucking know how I identify yet? It's like, am I bi or do I just really like you?"
After a beat or two Tristan just nods and smiles.
"Stop smiling. Why are you smiling? I'm being serious."
And he just grabs my face and kisses me, still smiling through it all. And I swear, I just melt like butter. That anxious crack in my chest shallows, just a bit.
"Listen. I don't know either." Tristan says blatantly. I search his eyes. "But I can tell you that how you identify doesn't matter anywhere as much as you think it does. That you might identify as something now and in five years, you might feel completely different. And that's okay. Being gay isn't this phase that people make it out to be, but that doesn't mean that we should be denied the space in which we change our minds. And, as long as there is a tiny portion in you that likes me, more than a friend, for real... I don't care how you identify."
I nod, processing the words. I've never really heard Tristan talk all that seriously about most things, not when he's not angry at least. It strikes me that there's this whole separate part of Tristan's life that I have never understood. There is this whole portion of his mind filled with knowledge, comprehension and tangency that was never a part of our conversations. That while i'm sat here having a melt down over the fact I think I might be bisexual or gay or queer or whatever, this sweet boy, my sweetboy, did this years before me. Tristan did this all alone. And suddenly within me there is a new comprehension for the boy in front of me. A new respect. And for once, I suppose I have to accept he knows more about something than I do.
He grabs my face, taking my jaw and lip between his index and thumb.
"And you are nothing like those other guys." he whispers. "But that, sweetheart, is a good thing."
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YOU ARE READING
Stay ; Tradley
Fanfiction" darling won't you stay here? I promise I could change, And darling if you stay here, It won't be a mistake " OR; Tris is angry. Brad is his best friend. They love each other. Surprisingly, not as simple as you think.
