Stay ; Tradley

E L E V E N ; brad

I wake up next to Sarah in her bed.

It's that time of morning where the world is cast into a infiltrating shade of grey and i stare at the ceiling, watching as one patch of darkness dissolves into another and i think about how the last time i slept next to somebody in a double bed, it was Tristan.

I sigh and roll over, listening to the rain fall in sheets on the window panes; i softly tuck Sarah's hair behind her ear as she smiles at me through sleep, breathing softly in that limbo stage where you're aware you're awake but you can't quite bring yourself to open your eyes.

I slept from almost the moment i got here last night, yet i feel i haven't slept in weeks- i check my phone and then hate myself for checking my phone but who can blame me when it's been a few days and i still haven't seen him. Heard him. Listened to him. Him. I relentlessly check constantly for a text even though each time i know it's not going to show up.

Outside, frost hardens the grass and I wonder where he is right now; it's the longest we've ever gone without talking and we haven't even strictly had an argument- we just.. Stopped talking and i sometimes think that's the worst way this shit happens because he doesn't know how i feel - not that i know how i fucking feel either- and i don't know how he's feeling either.

I fold back over further into the duvet, grateful for the late start sixth form allows us on a Monday, but i can't help but wonder how he spent his weekend.

I sit up from bed, walk to the toilet, and throw up.

Sarah, croggy eyed and stumbling, brings me some water and watches me with a weary eye- i'm fine and i don't really feel like i was just sick at all... my body doesn't feel anything quite frankly.

When Sarah gets into the shower, I pick up my phone and I press Tristan's name.

I do it kind of without thinking and i'm not even sure i want to hear his voice but i want to know he's okay- and since Nat told me the other day i had to ring him, i haven't stopped carrying around my guilt that i haven't called him since.

My leg bobs furiously and it feels like someone started stitching thread across my chest; pulling too harshly on their end of the needle so the thin thread can't stretch but tries it's best to.

Quite frankly, I've never felt so lost in my life. I don't have anyone to talk to because i don't know how i feel and i'm scared if i use the word 'bisexual' somehow i'll be lying. Because what if it's just him- what if he's the only exception and i'm just straight but kind of gay for just him and what if i came out to the world but he doesn't even want me as much as i want him.

Because I want him. I want him so bad it hurts- like it's all i can think about and i'm brutally aware that i sound like i belong in a coming of age film but i suppose it is a coming of age film until it's actually about you and you being in love but not with the people the world wants you to be inlove with.

I'm scared the world will hate me.

I'm scared that even though my parents are terminally telling me that they'd love me no matter what, that they might think i'm lying. And maybe it would be easier if i was just actually gay and not this weird inbetween where i feel like i'm lying to myself and everyone else. I wish i wish i wish it was easier and i don't have to come out and i didnt have to be scared of losing everything for someone.

Someone who i love so much it fucking kills me.

He doesn't pick up.

And i sit there for a while more wondering why the fuck i can't just be normal, and why the fuck it has to be like this.

-

School goes by in the same way it always does- slowly but then over all at once and i'm drained once again. Exams are around seven months away- the real kind of a level ones that actually count toward university- don't get me fucking started on university- and i feel like i could drown.