Hello lovelies. Uncertain times we live in, but here's an update for you.
I really hope you're all well, looking after yourself and hopefully an update will provide some entertainment, company or time pass for you in these stressful times (and especially help you get through if you're self isolating) i know for a lot of people already struggling mentally, financially, physically etc, this can all be really hard and taxing. take your time, be kind to yourself, and know this will pass.
mild tw for this chapter: domestic abuse.
I LOVE YOU.
hopefully the continuation of this chapter will be up soon, but i wanted to give you this part to save you waiting!
enjoy xx
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TRISTAN
I sit out on the balcony for a while more, the night cold but comfortably numbing my fingers that I keep running across my face to figure out if i'm still here and if this is real and to perhaps trace the small smile- the first blossom of anything but despair in a while.
I go on for a while, forcing myself to mingle and be sociable and be happy for luke, luke who looks like a god surrounded by all his friends and not giving a fuck about me. And it's a weird kind of feeling like not happy but not sad but perhaps swimming in bright green grey waters in between where I can't tell if i'm floating or sinking. It's like i want to grab his face and kiss him hard but not because i love him but because i want to walk away in the rain with tears on his face because he'll miss me and not the other way round.
When it hits the three hour mark of him not talking to me- even though i haven't done anything wrong and it's quite literally just him being a self conceited prick- my phone feels like a vibrating portal daring me to step outside the party and into another world because i know now he's only on the other end of the phone and i want nothing more than to be with him.
Or to be loved.
After another drink or two I ring him again, smiling despite myself as i lean up against the balcony door- when it connects, my heart does a thousand backflips in a second.
"Why are you ringing him, you freak?" and then like that
My heart
Falls.
And it's like it falls in slow motion like in a film and it falls so hard and so long if it were a character it would be looking into the camera with an expression saying 'holy shit how long is this fall going to be'.
"Sarah.." i don't mean to say her name and i don't mean to say it with such an emptiness that simultaneously is a voice nuclear with emotion.
"Why are you ringing him?"
"Because!.." I wait a moment.
I want to say he's my friend.
And I want to say I'm ringing because he's my boyfriend or because i'm in love with him whether he knows it or not.
I want to say because something is changing. Something is going to happen and because she doesn't mean anything in this grand scheme.
Because it's him and i'm me and that's just the way it should fucking be.
My voice fails me.
Like Jane Eyre, speak I must, but in this big black starry night in the middle of a city and in the middle of a moment I just can't find the words.
"He doesn't want to be friends with you, and i'm sure he made that clear a few weeks ago. I get that you're desperate and you need a friend but you don't deserve him. He doesn't deserve to be held back by you. He's got better things to be doing."
And she's probably right. She probably knows him more than I do after all these years because he's kissed her and he might have slept with her and she probably knows all his secrets because we're two boys and it's never been right for us two to do those things.
I feel like I've skipped a lifetime. Like there's Brad and I don't know him and i can't quite place his smile because we shouldn't know each other and I wouldn't dare to get too close.
Look what happens when you do.
"Stop. calling." and i know she's just about to end the call when suddenly i burst,
"He doesn't love you."
Silence, eternal and petrifying silence rings out across the line.
And then i say,
"He's never going to."
And then i end the call so she can't do it first and i'm not sure how long i sit there, unbelievably still but when i turn around, everyone's gone. And it's just Luke, standing there looking at me.
He walks over and takes my phone out of my hand, and i'm not sure how he knows my passcode or how long he's known it for, but he stands there for a few moments.
"So that's what you've been doing the whole night... talking to another douchebag instead of being with me."
Numb as i feel, i can't fucking believe him.
"You haven't spoke to me the whole night!" i burst suddenly, overwrought, overdrunk and overemotional. Luke doesn't flinch, something he's always been good at.
Anger, red and saturated and unbearable begins to rise within me as I stand there. Looking.
He takes a few steps toward me and it's torture.
"Why can't you be fucking happy for me?"
He grabs my arms, his fingers digging into me and it hurts but I don't really feel it.
Not like I wish I did.
"I am happy for you!" I push him off me and budge past him into the flat where he follows me quickly, slamming the door of the patio and leaving us in his front room, tension bubbling like hot water boiling. My heart is getting too heavy and my chest too lively and slowly i'm unhinging- i know shouldn't cause a fight but that fucked part of me likes to scream at him and likes to get a reaction and i wouldn't stop myself even if i wanted to. "I came to the match and you didn't fucking look my way. You haven't spoken to me the whole night and you're going to call me a prick? Fuck you!"
He storms up to me, his face contorted in blind anger and bitter disappointment.
The problem with people like Luke is they can never see that they're the problem.
He shoves me against the wall.
"Do you have any idea the shit that happens to people like me in my industry? If they saw me being all fucking lovey dovey with you i could loose my job- i would get beaten the shit out of and you want to sit out there and sulk to the next best guy you can get your hands on because i didn't pay you enough attention?"
"I'm not asking you to fuck me infront of everyone- Jesus christ, i don't want you to snog me or even hold my hand but you could have spoke to me!" i shove him again. "You're a prick when you're high." and I shove him again. "You're a fucking asshole, you know that Luke?"
Luke launches the closest glass near him at my head, and I don't notice until the glass shatters and rains like silver- i guess i moved in time or i guess i somehow knew it was coming but it misses me by half a meter.
"Don't come into my own house and don't live with me like you love me or like you want to be with me and then talk to me like that! I'm trying Tristan, but you don't seem to understand anything i fucking say."
He walks up to me and he cups my face- i fall back onto the wall. His grip is tight and devilish and it's not as romantic as you think. His finger runs across my lip and I don't dare blink for missing the flash in his eyes or missing a signal that tells me I should get out or cry or beg or kiss him.
"I just want us to be happy."
I don't bother fighting this time, and instead I nod. He kisses my lips.
His hand glides down to my throat where he moves his hand over my Adam's apple and then he pulls me back to the bedroom, something between love and hate and lust making me follow.
I guess I'm just pretty screwed up.
I fall asleep in his arms, and the glass is still there in the morning when I'm deciding what to do.
YOU ARE READING
Stay ; Tradley
Fanfiction" darling won't you stay here? I promise I could change, And darling if you stay here, It won't be a mistake " OR; Tris is angry. Brad is his best friend. They love each other. Surprisingly, not as simple as you think.
