𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐀𝐘, k.jacobs²

XXIII

He didn't know what they were doing exactly, but when they had asked him to stream with them, he had said yes. The fluorescent lights above his head illuminated his face in a rather unflattering way, and he tried his best to shy away from the light. He didn't have the comfort of a cap like Sapnap did, only one of his infamous beanies in order to cover his hair. The walls of the room were bone white and the big windows would have let in lots of natural light if the curtains hadn't covered them. The room was spacious and barely furnished, there was only a desk, a chair, a wall lamp and a bed with a single nightstand beside it. On the right was a bland painting that could have been painted by anybody currently in the room.

Alex was surprised that Dream had even brought his streaming gear, but when he acted on his surprise, he learned that Bad and Sapnap both had brought theirs as well. He was starting to believe someone had forgotten to send him the memo. Not that he would have been bothered to bring all of his shit anyway, but that was beside the point.

Alex grumbled and paced around the room as they set up the stream. He didn't even know what they were doing. Not that it mattered. He wouldn't be at the keyboard either way. He was to be in the background, just fucking around with his friends. Hanging out. Making jokes. He scoffed, then tried to mask it as a cough when he got a weird side-glance from Sapnap. It bothered him not to know. He liked to be on top of things. Alex dragged a hand over his face.

"When are we going live?" He asked Dream, who was currently fixing the equipment, crouching and uncrouching as he plugged in cords and then checked something before plugging in some more and unplugging some other ones.

"Three or five minutes, I'd say," Dream responded without looking away from whatever his hands were occupied with doing for the moment.

"Okay, I'll just go check something in my bedroom," Alex said and a chorus of voices answered him with 'okay's. He smiled and exited the room, letting out a deep breath before cheerfully walking over to a door just down the hall. The thing was though, it didn't lead into his own temporary room.

Alex opened the door and it made a low sound. "Hey," he said and gave Y/n a small wave, looking bashful. She looked up from her phone and stared at him from the bed, looking surprised. Alex glanced around for a place to sit and decided that the bed was his best pick and he slumped down beside her.

"Hi," Y/n said with a smile, though she still looked a bit confused, her eyebrows furrowed causing her skin to crease. He wanted to smooth out the line between her eyebrows, no matter how adorable her muddled look was. "I thought you guys were streaming?"

"Yeah, Dream's setting it up now, but it's pretty boring in there so I came here. To talk to you," Alex added the last sentence in a rush as if it wasn't obvious yet why he'd come to Y/n's room.

She smiled at him, mildly amused by how he was fumbling with his words. "About what?" She asked.

"Oh. You know, anything. The weather," Alex said with a wide grin and did a big sweep with his hand towards the windows. "It's beautiful isn't it?" He stopped himself from adding 'just like you.'

"It is indeed very beautiful weather today," Y/n chuckled and went along with the joke, a smile stretched across her face. She had straightened her back and tried to look decently serious, doing what Alex could only imagine being her impression of a weather reporter.

"Very sunny," Alex agreed with a serious nod. Y/n didn't say anything after that so they stared at each other in silence, with stupid smiles painted on their faces, until they broke down and started laughing at the exact same second.

"You're so stupid," Y/n told him and Alex waved her comment away, his chin raised high, eyes stuck staring at the ceiling, half-lidded, trying to look like a nobleman, or perhaps a king, being their arrogant self.  

"Oh, you don't mean that. I'm amazing," Alex said and curled up his lip. He peered over at her and his smile relaxed into one of something like awe as he watched how her eyes glittered with laughter. Y/n caught him watching her and her laughter calmed before it died away.

"What?" She asked with a confused smile, furrowing her eyebrows once more. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Alex couldn't control himself. He wished he could have. He wished he had control over his mouth. But he didn't. The words just poured out of him before he could stop them, like water involuntarily falling down a waterfall, being pulled down by the irresistable force of gravity.

"I love you," he blurted.

"What?" Y/n's face fell.

Fuck. He knew it. He knew he shouldn't have said anything. Why couldn't he just keep his big mouth shut? Why did he have to say something? She had a boyfriend for fuck's sake. His friend. He knew he'd fucked up. Badly. Like, 'I'm ending our friendship' kind of bad. Like, 'don't ever talk to any of us ever again' kind of bad. The 'never show your face to me again' kind of bad.  Fuck, fuck, fuck-

"Alex?" Y/n said and looked at him with something that looked like panic in her eyes. She looked at him, looking for an answer on his face. Anything that would tell her that he was joking. Or that he meant it in a platonic way. He knew she wouldn't find it. He wished she could. He really did. He really fucking wished that she would be able to find something that told her he hadn't meant what he meant.

"I... I'm- I don't- I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. I- fuck," Alex stammered and felt the panic grow in his chest, making his heart beat so bad he thought it was going to rip his chest open. The sinking feeling in his gut felt like a boulder weighing him down.

"Alex I..." Y/n tried but he cut her off.

"No, don't say anything. Forget..." he licked his lips as his mouth had suddenly grown dry. He swallowed. "Forget it ever happened. Please," Alex looked at her with desperation in his eyes. Y/n stared back at him, looking as caught off guard as she ever possibly could. There was a centimetre big gap between her lips as she tried to understand what had just happened.

"I..." Y/n hesitated and bit her lip, eyes darting around the room before settling on his eyes. She was shifty, fingers playing with her shirt. "I will try to. But Alex I'm s-" she tried but he cut her off again.

"Stop. I get it. I am the one in the wrong here, I should be the one saying sorry. I am. I really fucking am," Alex sighed and dragged his hand over his face. "Fuck, I just... we're still friends right?" He asked with a begging look to his face. He wasn't too hopeful, but he still wished she would say yes.

She nodded quickly, a bit too quickly. "Of course. We'll always be friends. Unless you don't want to be," Y/n reassured him.

But he knew better than to believe that. It just wouldn't be the same from now on. And that was on him. His fault. Just because he let his emotions get the best of him. Alex was beyond angry with himself. He wanted to curse and yell at himself. Why did he have to be so stupid? Y/n didn't deserve this. She didn't ask him to confess his feelings to her. She was already happy with Karl. But he just had to put it on her anyway.

Stupid.

But alas, Alex smiled at her. Smiled through his anger, his pain. Through the rejection that was obligatory, he knew that now. He smiled for her.

"I'll always want to be your friend Y/n. Wouldn't have it any other way," Alex said cheerfully. Attempted to, at the very least. She seemed to buy it but also not. She must know that he wouldn't be okay. But she played along with him as if it somehow would ease the pain. As if that would fix things. As if he was capable of fixing right now. 

"And neither would I," Y/n said and that's when Alex really knew he had to move on. He never had a chance, not even to begin with, not with Karl there. Maybe if she had met him before she met Karl, but even then, no. Probably not. That insight pierced through his heart like a butcher's knife.

Alex nodded at her, still smiling. Then he left, without looking back.