kenopsia [h.s]

★06☆

Name > The goo goo dolls
The unforgiven > Metallica
Send the pain below > Chevelle
Iwanna be adored > The Stone Roses

♬

TW: mentions of suicide and domestic abuse

It's been fifteen minutes that I'm sitting here, just taking in my surroundings and the dead silence around me, literally. The pretty pink cherry blossoms adorning the tall tree above my head swing in the soft wind, the short green grass beneath me tickling my hands and legs, the birds shrimping and happily singing, the grave of my dead friend in front of me.

Dean Tenney
7 January 1966 — 3 July 1992

I still can't believe the bastard is gone, my head still can't process he's buried six feet under where I'm sitting right now when a few months ago we were getting high at his place, laughing until our bellies hurt, talking about his plans for Kenopsia, music and more music, the future of my band, our hard past, everything and nothing at the same time. Dean was more than the owner of the club where I played with my friends, he was like a big brother to me and the one who believed in my band when no one wanted to open their doors to us and give us a chance. I knew him for a year but it feels like more.

And he killed himself and most of the time I blame myself for not knowing something was wrong, that he was hurting at that point.

I wish I could've checked on him more.

That Friday night we got the tragic news it's still fresh in my mind. I mean, it's been only four months now. The hospital called me because his brother wasn't answering, Dean had the both of us as his emergency numbers. It was the middle of the night when I received the call, 3 am. I was sleeping because I came home at 1 am absolutely drained after the club, and I thought I was having some kind of nightmare when I answered the telephone.

I ran to Luke's room with a heavy heart and panicking, he was still kinda wasted but when I told him what the doctor said on the call, that he was dead because he jumped off his apartment balcony, Luke sobered up quickly and thought I was making some kind of evil joke, because we had seen Dean a few hours ago at the club and he was more than happy, he wasn't even drunk when we all left, just a bit high with weed but he was okay. He was fine.

Or so I thought.

Dean never told me once he wanted to die or showed hints of it. He had a hard past, both of his parents passed away when he was 15 and he was left with only his older brother. Sometimes he had his normal breakdowns cause you never recover from such tragedy and trauma, but Dean wanted to live. The idiot loved Kenopsia, he loved his women, he loved going to concerts, traveling, his expensive whiskey and cigarettes, he wanted to open more clubs and his own studio.

Hell, days before we were talking about the LA trip the band and I are going to take for the festival in November.

I don't know what happened and still don't understand, cause he didn't leave a letter and he's not fucking here to let me know. It's so frustrating. After a few weeks that everything happened, I started thinking and tried to remember if there was a situation where Dean said or insinuated something, if in some way he was asking for help, but I couldn't pinpoint anything. I'd have known, or I want to believe that. The only thing I did recall was a week, almost a month before he died, that Dean was acting weird with everyone and didn't show up to the club one night saying he got some flu. But the next week he was acting like his normal self again.