Voldemort sat at the head of a long table. He made for a strange picture, Quirelle's body sitting backwards on a large and ornate chair, his own squashed face glaring every time it was jostled by Quirelle's hiccups. Lucius sat at his left, looking distinctly uncomfortable, although whether that was caused by his lord's strange position or the fact that, even as the only servant to Voldemort, he still wasn't at Voldemort's right hand was up for debate.
"My servant, I expect you keep with the goings-on at the Wizengamot. There will soon be a bill proposed by Arthur Weasley, a new muggle protection act, one that would hurt our cause significantly. I want you to stop the bill, but don't leave a trace of your involvement."
"Of course my lord! How well informed you are. If one of his children is suspected of dark magic, especially at Hogwarts, I'm sure-"
Dobby, who was listening around the corner, pulled at his ears. Hogwarts? He had know there would be great danger at Hogwarts, since Voldemort was back, and now Dobby was especially glad he had been stealing Harry Potter's letters.
"Yes, that'll be fine. Proceed as such. Now, I also need a list of where each of my followers has landed in the ministry, and of their-"
A fiery bird crashed through the large window of the Malfoy dinning hall. It swooped around Narcissa's seat at the other end of the table, and then landed in front of Voldemort's face.
Quirelle awkwardly reached behind him, trying to grab the letter tied to the bird's leg with little success. Finally, Lucius grabbed it and handed it to him.
As it turned out, the letter was a howler. Quirelle opened it slowly.
A child's voice rang out; "Heyyyy sexy snakey.
"I've missed you over the summer! Y'know, I told myself I wouldn't write to you first, 'cause I'm still mad at you for ditching me last time.
"Anyhow, I wanted to remind you, since you forgot for the last twelve years, that my birthday's in three days. I expect a massive gift to make up for all the missed years.
"I'll be having a party at Longbottom manner, so please have your gift delivered by 3:00. Fawkes will hang around until you find something suitable.
"Oh, and hopefully you're alone right now, because I also wanted to tell you, I really want to choke on your-"
Fawkes started loudly squawking, drowning out whatever obscene fantasy the child was spewing.
Lucius, grateful he wouldn't have to hear what a child his son's age wanted to do with his lord, cleared his throat. "My Lord, I believe that this may be a trap."
Quirelle, grateful that they were just going to pretend that never happened, agreed, even as his hands touched Voldemort's hot face.
"I'm not sending that brat a birthday gift."
Dobby, still listening, frowned suddenly. How could Harry Potter be having a party at someone else's house when he had been stealing his letters the entire time? Well, Dobby had only been stealing from owls, so perhaps he needed to start monitoring the fire bird?
Dobby snapped and quietly apperated to the kitchens, where nearly three hundred letters were being kept in a cake tin.
He checked through a few of them.
Several detailing graphic dreams about Voldemort, Snape, Bellatrix, and someone named 'Wormtail' had been sent to Ronald Weasley, who had sent him complaints about his family and friends.
Hermione Granger had been sent twelve copies of 'Hogwarts: A History," all filled with dumb annotations. She had sent him reminders to do his homework and not blow up his house.
Albus Dumbledore had been sent rings. So many rings. Dobby wished he would be given even a single ring, so he could be free.
But among everything, there was no mention of a party.
•
Three days later, a deer-patronus swooped around England, telling many that they must urgently head to the ballroom in Longbottom Manor.
Among those who received the letter were Augusta Longbottom and Neville Longbottom. The two hurried to their ballroom to find it decked out in Harry Potter birthday decorations, which had '+ Neville' scribbled on them in sharpie. Harry Potter and the Weird Sisters stood in the middle of the room.
Seeing Neville, Harry waved him over. "Hey bud, what do you think the last song of the night should be? I'm saying 'Snakes and Slugs,' leave on a bang, y'know? But they're saying that 'A Hairy Goblin's Hairy Hands' would be better."
Neville stared at the group. What was happening?
There was a loud 'pop,' and suddenly Albus Dumbledore and Snape were standing in the room.
"Harry, I got your message, is everything okay?" said Dumblodore hurriedly.
"It's my birthday!" said Harry brightly.
Snape sputtered to Dumbledore about how clearly spoiled Harry was, and how obviously they'd never be in a relationship.
More and more people began apperating in.
Augusta panicked about her wards as the hall began to fill up. Harry had sent invites to witches, wizards, vampires, werewolves, centaurs, goblins, house elves, trolls, giants, veelas, leprechauns, and a single acromantula. He hadn't met most of them yet this life, so many didn't show, but the centaurs were playing a mean game of blackjack against a few aurors and goblins.
The party had been going on for hours. Harry went to high-five the goblin who had just won the hand, but just got a glare. He shrugged and went to grab a fire whiskey when Fudge ran up to him.
"Harry! Lovely party--yes, lovely--did you send-"
"Firewhiskey, minster?"
"Yes please--you're too young to have this--good stuff--oh, did you send an invite to Sirius Black?"
"Duh. He's my god father."
"Was it a portkey?!"
"How else could I get him out?"
"What?!"
"I sent one to Peter Pettigrew too, if it makes you feel any better."
"My boy-"
A large, fiery bird crashed through the window of the ballroom, carrying a large box wrapped in pink.
"Fawkes?" asked Dumblodore, confused.
The phoenix dropped the box in front of Harry. Harry greedily tore it open. Inside was another box. The pattern repeated a few times, until Harry opened the last one and leaned in to read the tiny slip of paper that sat inside.
He quickly popped back up and exclaimed, "My love is going to fuck me!"
"What?!" bellowed a thin man with shaggy black hair who was holding a rat.
The man was Sirius Black, and now that he had attracted the attention of the many aurors in the room, he was surrounded by hostile figure.
A thin blonde man pushed past the aurors who were surrounding Sirius, and loudly cast, "Homenum Revelio!"
The rat turned into none other than Peter Pettigrew, causing everyone to gasp in shock.
Harry looked at the goblins accusingly. "Why are you acting shocked, you knew he wasn't dead, his account was still open."
The goblin glared at Harry again. Harry rolled his eyes and reach for a firewhiskey.
Remus pushed his way back through the crowd before Harry could take a sip, and slapped it out of his hands.
Peter, seeing his chance to escape, turned back into a rat and ran through the wizards, who parted like he was Moses.
Fudge and Dumbledore both looked after him.
It seemed like an Wizengamot meeting would be needed.
No one quite knew what to do, so Sirius was taken back to Azkaban with a trial date finally set.
YOU ARE READING
Harry Potter has a Whole Buch of Issues
Fanfiction[In which Harry is in love with Voldemort, and Voldemort is terrified.] The truth is, Harry Potter has done it all before. In his previous lives, he has both defeated and joined Lord Voldemort, and it is beginning to seem like this will be his fate...
