Lockhart and Snape stood together at the front of the more-or-less (but mostly less) repaired Great Hall. Students in their third, fourth, or fifth year gathered at on large table, watching their professors expectantly.
Snape cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable.
Lockhart beamed. "Welcome everyone," he started, "to the first ever Hogwarts Sex-Ed class!"
Harry cheered wildly.
Cedric Digory, the Weasley Twins, and a few of the other upper-classmen clapped politely.
Most of the other guys looked terribly awkward, as well as all of the girls (minus Luna, who was reading the Quibbler), and nearly all of the non-binary students, although a few seemed mildly interest, wondering if they'd be mentioned.
"Stop your incessant chattering, Potter." groaned Snape.
Harry, who was in the front row, mimed zipping his lips together and handing the key away to his doll.
"Excellent then!" said Lockhart. "So, as this is the mid-level group—except for Harry & Miss Lovegood—I thought it may be beneficial for you to have a model." With that, Lockhart whipped the cover off of an easel to reveal a painting of him—shirtless.
Cue gasps from the those who were into guys, groans from those who weren't, and the dramatic fake fainting of George Weasley into his brother's arms.
"Now, this is a fabulous painting of me, and it's also the cover of Battilda Batthews' smash hit romance novel, 'Gilderoy Lockhart has the Key to My Lock🥵,' so,"
"It is completely irrelevant." Said Snape, tone as even as it possibly could be, and hand moving to cover up the portrait again.
Lockhart made a pouty face, but let Snape continue.
"Now, we assume at this point you all know the... mechanics of... sexual intercourse..." Snape said, seeming deeply disgusted.
"We do, but do you?!" hollered one of the Weasleys, a wicked grin on his face.
The other twin raised his voice to falsetto and said, "Oh, Snape, touch me with your greasy fingers!!"
That got a giggle out of the study body, and had Lockhart doubled over with muffled laughter.
"I like Sevvy's fingers!" chimed in Harry. "So does My Love!"
Lockhart was wheezing, and Snape just turned around and left, causing Lockhart to laugh harder.
Several Gryffindors, and even a few Hufflepuffs cheered.
The subsequent Hogwarts Sex-Ed classes were taught by Madame Pompfry, and were done in small groups, with closed doors. Harry was not invited to any of the groups.
•
During one of the sessions which Harry was banned from, he sat down and pulled out the black diary which he had received from Draco Malfoy.
Hiiii love,
How are you???
Who are you?
I'm Harry Potter!
Who?
Your boyfriend<3
I'm a man, Potter, and I'm not gay.
I know! You're Tom Riddle. We're dating.
How do you know that name?
YOU ARE READING
Harry Potter has a Whole Buch of Issues
Fanfiction[In which Harry is in love with Voldemort, and Voldemort is terrified.] The truth is, Harry Potter has done it all before. In his previous lives, he has both defeated and joined Lord Voldemort, and it is beginning to seem like this will be his fate...
