Harry Potter has a Whole Buch of Issues

Ten Little Terrors

Harry and Lockhart stood in front of the Ministry of Magic, waiting for the clock to strike exactly 3:30. By that point, they would be 15 minutes late, and have made a grand entrance, though no where near as grand as Harry's beginning of the school year entrance.

"Now remember, Harry," said Lockhart, "when we enter, you pretend to be a cheerful, adventurous Gryffindor, who looks up to his mentor, The Great, Handsome, and Amazing Gilderoy Lockhart, winner of 'Witches Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award' five times in a row."

"Right, and you remember that this miscarriage of justice has caused you great distress, and you won't rest until it has been rectified."

"Oh, Harry, it has. I've been so upset, my skin has lost its usual sheen, see?"

Lockhart's skin, in fact, was extra glowy.

Then, finally, the clock struck 3:30, and the two entered.

Everyone in the hall looked up, blinded by the radiance of the sun shining through the doors, only able to see two silhouettes.

"Harry, Gilderoy, my boys, so glad you could make it." said Dumbledore brightly.

"Headmaster, 'this miscarriage of justice has caused you great distress, and you won't rest until it has been rectified.'" Said Lockhart, smiling brightly.

"Of course, it's why I'm so pleased young Harry could be here to make it. Thank you for chaperoning."

Lockhart flushed, realizing his mistake. "Oh yes, well, you know I think of him as my own child, really, I do, and of course, I feel much the same way. Why, when I heard of my poor boy's parents' death, I practically adopted him myself. But, I was fighting the-"

"That's quite enough Lockhart." Laughed Fudge genially. "We were about to administer the veritas serum, but now that you're here, Mister Potter, I'd like to ask you, what possessed you to write to the accused in the first place?"

Harry took a seat, put his feet up on the table, and took a drag of a candy cigarette. "Well," he started, "Ever since I was a little boy, I've had a thing for dark wizards. I don't know why, but they're just so sexy!" A few of the more conservative wizards shrieked, and Sirius, who was silenced and gagged, could be seen shaking as if he was laughing. "I guess I'm just into bad boys, bad girls, rebels without causes, you know. Anyhow, since my soul gave me such an exciting birthday gift, I thought I would return the favor, and try to set up a threesome with his sexy, bad boy, rebel without a cause right-hand man. Well, I guess it's partially a birthday gift for myself." Harry finished with a chuckle.

"Huh." said Fudge.

Harry suddenly flushed. "Oh, I mean, no offense to you Minister. I think you're never-endingly handsome, I just assumed---well, I assumed that between Lucius Malfoy and Dolores Umbitch, your needs were being met."

Umbridge glared at Harry, then smiled shyly at Fudge.

"My." said Fudge, now a rather garish shade of green.

Lockhart grinned, "I feel much the same way about you, Minister."

"I guess you could say, he's got a lock on your heart!" Harry chimed in, delighted.

"You are the most delightful child I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, Harry." said Lockhart fondly.

"And you are by far the most handsome adult, Gilderoy Lockhart, winner of 'Witches Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award' five times in a row." said Harry.

Dumbledore blinked. His eyes were incredibly dry, as he had kept them wide open throughout the entire conversation. How could he not? There was so much happening, he had so many questions, there were so many lawsuits about to begin. What on earth had the Dursleys done to Harry Potter?