Under the Roses

111 - He Is Dead and Gone

VANESSA

Vanessa found Hans in Aense. He was easy to spot, even masked, especially because he was with Coralie, whose red hair was so bright it outshone the lanterns. He was with Min, too, and they were huddled in a little corner, eating strawberries. Rika went over with a glass of wine and joined them, downing her glass.

Vanessa sucked in a breath. How could she tell Hans? Tell him that his own brother was dead? Kai was her best friend, but he was half of Hans's life. How could she look him in the eyes, his eyes, identical to Kai's, and say that Kai was just...gone?

How could she tell him it was her fault?

It was her fault Kai was dead. It was her fault Wolf was dead. Wolf was her responsibility. She'd told Hans he could be trusted. She'd thought she was right.

But she was wrong. And now Kai was dead, and Wolf was dead, and all her friends were dead. There wouldn't even be a funeral for either of them, because when Red had come home and seen Vanessa among a pool of blood and dead bodies, she hadn't said anything about it. She'd just told Vanessa to go wash up. While Vanessa had done that, sobbing the entire time, Red had taken the bodies away. Vanessa didn't know where, and she didn't want to know. She'd mopped up all the blood, and when she'd done that, she'd thrown up and had to mop that up, too.

She was a mess. Everything was her fault.

"Vanessa?"

Vanessa started, turning to find a man standing behind her, leaning in close. She leaned away, blinking a few times before she remembered—this was Whit. "Oh," she breathed. "Yeah?"

"Are you all right?"

Vanessa hesitated. "Yeah." She didn't dare say more for fear of breaking down and showing him that no, she was not all right. Though she was pretty sure he could tell already.

"Okay..." Whit said. Not that she could read him well without a mask on, but he was completely blank with it covering half his face. "Are you having fun?"

Fun? She didn't know if she would call this fun. Every time someone asked her to dance, she had a little heart attack, and though her feet knew all the steps, the rest of her body was stiff and awkward, and she didn't know what to say. And half the time, her thoughts were occupied with Hans, who was literally right there in the same room. Everyone must have thought there was something wrong with her.

And there was.

"Well, there are only a few more dances left," said Whit. "I'll go find Alice. When the night's over, wait outside for me."

Vanessa nodded, and Whit melted away. Only a few more dances left.

She had to do it now.

She willed her feet to move, and they did, forcing her to cross the room to where Hans was. Rika and Coralie had gone off somewhere, and it was just the boys. They were talking—or, rather, Hans was talking, and Min was nodding and listening.

Vanessa didn't get to hear what they were talking about. As she approached, Hans stopped, glanced at her, then looked away. For a moment, Vanessa almost stopped but remembered that he couldn't tell what she looked like with the mask on.

She shouldn't tell the news looking like a stranger.

She slipped off her mask, but Hans was still looking the other way. Min blinked at her, then reached out and gently touched Hans's arm. Hans turned, then opened his mouth as he stared at Vanessa.

Vanessa stopped when she reached them. It was like staring at Kai; they looked so similar. Her throat constricted, and her eyes watered. When she looked at him, all she could see was Kai. Kai, screaming as Wolf attacked him. Kai, blood all down the front of his chest. Kai, lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood. Kai, dead.

"Vanessa?" Hans's voice brought her back to life. Even his voice sounded exactly like Kai's. Vanessa could never go home now. Not after what she'd done. She could never face her parents or Hans's parents ever again.

It didn't matter if she broke her curse now.

"Hans," she said, choking.

Hans frowned. "Vanessa? Are you okay?"

Vanessa almost nodded, then stopped. She shook her head, cleared her throat. "I have something to tell you."

Hans was still frowning. "Okay." Beside him, Min melted away into the crowd.

"It's about—" She choked and let out a little sob, covering her mouth. She couldn't do it.

Hans stared at her. Then he held out a strawberry.

Vanessa almost broke down sobbing again. She took the strawberry and ate it. It was so sweet. She hated it. She hated how good it tasted. She didn't deserve this sweetness.

"What is it?" said Hans.

"It's about Kai." She almost choked again on his name.

Hans froze. Vanessa could see dread creeping into his expression. She couldn't, she couldn't, she couldn't do it she couldn't.

"What?" he said, and it was almost a whisper. "What happened?"

How? How could she tell him? There was just no good way to break bad news, especially when it was...this. Tears stung her eyes.

"He's dead," she said, and her voice broke. "He's dead, and I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. He's dead, Hans, he's dead and he's not coming back."

Her tears were flowing freely now, and her vision was blurred. She swiped at her eyes and cheeks, but it didn't help. They just kept coming. The knife in her heart twisted with the look on Hans's face.

He was silent for so long.

"Tell me you're lying," he said, but he knew she wasn't. "Vanessa!" His desperation ripped her tattered heart to shreds. "Tell me you're lying. Please, please say you're lying."

"Hans..." Vanessa started, but she had nothing to say. She was gasping, but there was no air. "I'm sorry," she choked out. "I'm sorry." It was all she could say because it was her fault. It was her fault and no one else's.

"No!" said Hans, and people turned to stare. "He's asleep. You put him to sleep! You said it would keep him safe!"

"It was supposed to!" Vanessa screamed, and she didn't care if people heard now. They could stare all they wanted. It didn't matter. "I don't know how he woke up! He just showed up and—and—and Wolf killed him! Wolf attacked and killed him and now he's dead and I killed Wolf and now they're both dead and it's my fault—it's my fault and I'm so sorry—" She broke off, crying so hard she couldn't see or hear or breathe.

He was silent again. Vanessa scrubbed the expensive fabric of her sleeve across her face. She could see Hans was crying too, steady streams of tears running from his dark eyes. It wasn't fair. He shouldn't have to be feeling this.

"I would know," he said, barely a whisper. Min had reappeared, hovering slightly beside him, looking alarmed and concerned. Rika was making her way through the crowd towards them. "I would know," Hans said again. His voice wavered. "I would feel it...here." He put his shaking hand to his heart.

Vanessa just shook her head.

Hans made a choking noise. Min cautiously lifted a hand and put it on Hans's shoulder.

Vanessa whirled around. She couldn't look. She couldn't look at him anymore. She had to leave. He deserved real friends to comfort him, not her. He probably hated her now, and that was good because he had every right to. She hated herself, too.

She tried to walk away, back straight, chin lifted, but she couldn't. She just couldn't. She had to run. Out, anywhere. Somewhere she could breathe. She couldn't stop the tears that fell from her eyes, and she wanted to scream at herself.

Her fault. All her fault.

She ran.