Fly Away

01 - what's the difference?

I think I finally understand that heartbreak and rejection are one and the same. 

I've never been in love before, but from what I'v heard, read and seen from TV Shows and movies, it's quite literally your heart breaking in two, that one half leaving along with whoever broke it, and you'll never get that piece back again, because your body and mind are so attached and strung over that one person, or in some cases one thing, that they can't bear the thought of forgetting and moving on. 

I don't think you ever move on from heart break. I think you just learn to ignore and numb that hole inside you so much that you don't feel. Some people may feel too much after it, but others become like a stone, blocking out all of the emotions that threaten to break them again. 

That in itself is heartbreaking, really.

Similarly, rejection is like wanting something so bad, but then finding out you can't have it splits you up again, and that person or thing leaves you behind, shattered and lost and hurt and confused about why, why, why?

What's the difference, if they both feel so similar?

------------------

Everything hurts. My heart most of all.

I don't register the next words that come out of his mouth, because I'm too focused on what he's already said. 

Those three words should make people feel happy, feel joy, feel excitement, but all it makes me feel are hurt and pain and loneliness and confusion and hate. A hate so strong that I feel like everything is moving backwards and my skin is ripping as I clutch onto the arms of my chair. 

I don't want to cry. Not in front of him. Not in front of anyone, because they will think I'm weak even though I am. So hopelessly weak and tired.

Those three torturous words are still ringing in my ears, threatening to push me off my chair and onto the cold ground.

You're getting married.

You might think I'm overreacting about the prospect of getting married, but to me it's a big thing. I'm sure to anyone it is, and right now? The stage in my life I'm in right now? I don't have the strength to go through something like that, especially with someone I have never met in my nineteen years of existence.

You're probably thinking, 'that's too young to be married' and 'surely she's met the guy', but it's obviously not and no, I haven't.

My eyes are staring off at the wall behind my father's head, unfocused on the stark white surface.

He's still talking about something I couldn't care less about, and now he's snapping his fingers in my face like I'm a stupid little idiot of a child.

Maybe I am.

"Are you even listening, child? Did you not year a word that came out of my mouth?" I focus in on his face again, taking in the pitch black hair that covers his head, slicked back with enough gel to make you feel sick. I do almost throw up all over the perfect floor. His eyes are raging, almost the same colour as his hair, and I cower back slightly at the fire behind them.

His mouth is set in a grim line and every plate of his face looks like it's ready to attack me, screaming out at how annoying I am, at how unfocused I am, the insolent little brat of a child who only ever cares about that stupid rag dog. 

Suddenly every nerve in my body is screeching to a halt and forcing me to listen otherwise I'll face the consequences, and though some people may think the consequences aren't severe or harsh or abusive, they are to me.

My head seems to nod automatically at his questions, trying to prevent me from falling deeper into the grave I'm in. The grave I've been in for my whole life. 

Carlisle Hayes sits back in his overly large, high backed black leather swivel chair and stares at me. I stare back, the only resistance my body can offer me as I crack and break and question everything in my life.

Why me? Why now? Why me? What did I ever do to deserve such misfortune and unhappiness? Why me? Why me? Why me?

"You will sign the contract tomorrow at noon. Your belongings will be moved into his house the day after, and you will be docile, submissive, a perfect wife for a horrible family. Do you understand?" His voice is so stern and so harsh and deep but in a dangerous way that makes me think he's going to get up and pounce like a lion on pounces on it's prey.

Everything feels like it's spinning. My life feels so dead in my hands, the circulation cut off, finally at it's end point.

"Who are they?" I try to make my voice sound as composed and confident as I can as I speak, cleaning it of any emotions. 

Like I've been taught to. 

He steeples his hands, his elbows resting on the arm rests of his chair. His eyes piercing into mine, a look of impatience dented onto his face.

"You remember the Fiori's? Their youngest son. We need to join our families and forget about making enemies. We already have enough on our plate with the other clans, and we can't be doing with them causing problems for us. They were willing to accept this transaction, and we snatched it up. It's what's best for us." 

For us. Not for me.

He doesn't care that I don't even know my future husband, the person I will spend my life with, who I'v never ever seen before.

If it conveniences him, he will do it and nothing will stand in his way. 

"I remember. But-"

"No buts. You will do as I say or you know what will happen. Prepare yourself, and I don't care what you do, you will  be a good wife." I'm almost raging at this point, but I'v learned to keep all of this pent up anger under control, hidden inside every tiny crevice of my body, my blood, my heart. I don't ever let it out, because I can't afford to be hurt by them. 

My family, who are giving me away to their opposition, leaving me, abandoning me.

Rejecting me in their own twisted way.

Hi people.

I feel an odd sort of thrill posting my very first chapter of this book. How have you enjoyed it so far?

I'm on the third book of the Shatter Me series and MY GOD Aaron Warner can shatter me all he wants and I wouldn't cry.

I can't wait to get into this book further, and I hope you all love it just as much as I do already.

Love you all.

<3