Fly Away

06 - all of a sudden, I wish i wasn't here

Song: The Neighbourhood - Nervous (slowed+reverb)

Mia

My eyes are hurting.

I cried all night last night, and that hasn't happened in a long time.

It's probably because of all the stress and hate and rage and sadness and hate and hate and hate.

I hate my father.

I hate him for ruining my life even more.

I'm stuck with a man who won't even speak to me, won't even look at me, and I don't know how to live like this anymore. It's all so overwhelming and I can't take it.

Maybe when I collect all of my things this afternoon it will all feel a bit better. I will be surrounded by my books, my belongings, everything that still tethers me to my old 'life' and that might bring me some comfort, even if I don't necessarily want to relive that feeling of loneliness.

I'm still lonely here, and It's hardly even been a day. I managed to humiliate myself, acting carelessly with no forethought like usual, and I think the severe lack of human interaction is slowly killing me.

I want to talk to someone, someone who actually cares. I want to laugh like I mean it, and hug someone and touch someone without them feeling like they must wash themselves after.

I want someone to want to be around me. I don't want any forceful interactions anymore, because they don't mean anything. They are fake and heart-breaking and lonely, so lonely.

I don't bother trying with my appearance today, because frankly, I'm not in the mood. I want to be comfortable, and so I will be. I don't care if I get any judgy looks. I'm tired, so tired of feeling like this and it's taking such a heavy toll on me.

I have to change it.

I should go out more.

Find a proper job.

So I can finally leave and make my own life the way I want it.

It's only fair, right?

I don't care if I'm married. I'll ask Rocco for a divorce because it seems like he doesn't want this as much as me so maybe he will be willing to agree.

I've decided on wearing dark grey joggers with a black high neck tank top. The sun seems to be shining today, and I want to soak up all the vitamin D I can get.

Rocco told me that Leonardo is taking me back to my house today during our insufferable elevator ride up, where I very inappropriately admired his back muscles.

I shouldn't be allowed to do that, especially if I want to divorce the man soon.

First, I need to get a job.

Zeus is still sleeping on my bed.

I guess he was awake most of the night too, probably because of me.

I love him so much.

When I did fall asleep, though, it was amazing. The mattress is so soft and molds to my body perfectly. I really didn't want to get out of bed this morning, but if I want to make progress with picking up my life, I can't afford to spend all day in bed.

It's already 11am.

I kiss Zeus on the head once and make my way out of my room, making sure to bring my phone.

I retrace my steps back out into the main hallway where the stairs are, overlooking the second living room, and walk down towards the kitchen.

I need my energy if I'm going to be moving all my things.