DIARY of the TRAUMATIZED EMPATH

Self Sabotage

JULIE PARKS
AUGUST 2, 2020

DIARY

Dear Diary,

Hey, it's me again.
Thanks for being with me, I'm sorry for just writing in you now lol. Right now I'm reading a book about a girl who is running from people trying to get her, and she grabs her brother and locks herself into a place and takes care of him or something. I'm trying to focus but I have so much on my mind right now.

Todd came home at like 5:30am. He came in, walked over to me, gave me a hug and lied on my chest. I said I was sorry, I know I have problems. Then after a few minutes go by he said he was sorry for being so mean. I told him he wasn't mean, I deserved that.
Then he watched a murder investigation episode with me, grabbed my hand and led me back into the bedroom to lay with him. We put on a movie, while I retested his hair.

I'm so confused. I don't deserve this. Like I keep fucking up and Todd always comes back, accepts me, and treats me no differently. Why is he so perfect.

Thank you for blessing me with him. I am thankful I have room to make mistakes, problem solve, learn my lessons, and grow. He provides me that room. I do not go wth out. I have a whole team that I can depend on, and I need to raise my vibration. I have it all I know I do. I just hate the things I do, and I feel so guilty and angry I just want to give up because ew. That's not me. I don't like that version of me. I'm Julie Parks. Not an evil monster. Or a boring skeleton. Or an ugly bother. I can't sit around and shit talk myself. I have to do what my intuition tell me to do. Where I feel right. My highest path for the greater good.

I'm meant to share lessons...
I think from now on, at the end of my journal entries, I am going to write my advice for myself and anyone who may ever read these. (BETTER BE NO ONE!)

Nah but for real, I always said that I am going to change the world. I don't exactly know how. But a clear picture comes to my head every time the thought crosses my mind.

Me, and my journal, in the jungle with a black and white puma, beautiful plants, and I leave my journal behind, when the one who has followed their own advice enough to lead themselves to the astonishing discoveries I record over the years of me living my best life.
I also have always wanted to do tests on people and studies without them knowing. A scientist researcher, that made a huge break through.. or provided the stepping stones for someone to change the world completely.

So here's some advice I've heard today from a download.

Do everything you do with nothing but love. Love is the most pure high vibrational frequency ever. If there was all live there would be no hate. Let's diminish the hate. And replace with love, and bright healing energy. Everyone deserves love. We just need to understand what boundaries are and how to set them. And who do we thing deserves to go past the boundaries that few have a space for.

Don't mess up your own relationships, Or good things in your life, or future opportunities because they are GOING WELL. that's self sabotage. One of the most dangerous phrases. Why? Because you could have everything you've been working for, investing in, praying on, requesting, demanding, manifesting, attracting, EVERYTHING! just by sabotaging yourself...

Self sabotage for me is me knowing my boyfriend is going to work and coming straight home, I still imagine fake scenarios in my head of him driving to another woman's house, you know, a woman who has every feature I don't. Beautiful, thick, funny, pretty naturally, upbeat, supportive.. then coming home to me and going right to sleep. I focus and obsess over this picture in my head until I let it out, and it explodes. This is where I scream to stop, but never listen to myself.
Instead, I should have disconnected my emotions from the situation and just been aware of the thoughts running through my head.

Why am I thinking like this
What am I insecure about
What is making me insecure
Am I in fight or flight mode
How would he feel if you did that right now
Do you just want attention from him? Is it because you aren't loving yourself right now so you crave his love and touch to feel secure. Truth is, you're the only one making it off balance and on the verge of falling off. You need to let go. Trust. And go back and figure out who lied to you, who hurt you, who left you, and hold yourself through jt all. Do for your younger self,
Because looking back, being older, and wiser, we have an idea of what we woulda needed in that situation. So go back, and imagine yourself providing you with the healing you have needed all along. There's no right or wrong way to do it.

Slow down, process your thoughts, and don't feel your emotions too deeply. Let them come and go. Freely pass. Go with the flow, and have faith. It's all right here. Open up.

If you're about the throw up, your stomach is so upset. Are you gonna leave the throw up I'm your stomach and wait for things to settle, or are you going to get it all out to feel better.

Right.
Don't just let the vomit fiercely shuffle in your stomach, hoping it might feel better eventually....

Clear it out. Take the initiative and make it happen. When it's out, you now have space for new. Comfortable. Yet intimidating.

Let go, open up, forget about it, do your best in all you do, and love hard.

It's on the way

Heheheheheh,
I'll write more later, ttyl!
Tysm
Xoxo
Julie