DIARY of the TRAUMATIZED EMPATH

The First of August

JULIE PARKS
AUGUST 1, 2020

DIARY

Dear Diary,

I've cooled down. I'm ready to tell you about my day I guess.

So it's August 1st, Monday.
So that's like a double fresh start!? Right?!!
Wrong.
The last couple of my paystubs have over 30 hours of overtime, so I've been getting no sleep, trying to devote myself to my career. So, naturally, today being my first day off in a couple LONG days, I slept in until like 2:00 pm! On and off.
Todd was sleeping next to me. His incredibly handsome face, his beautiful soft skin, the cute little drool trail dancing from his lips.. my baby.. I couldn't stop thinking about all of the wonderful qualities of our relationship, how proud I am of our accomplishments, the appreciation I have for the way he loves me for who I am.
Then Todd wakes up.
His gentle yawn.
I feel a warm, soft, touch on my shoulder,
I turn around, just to be greeting me,with a kind smile.
God, he's so fucking adorable.
All of my anxiety, my racing thoughts, and deep spiritual pain slipping away, shedding off of me.

This pure moment, radiating the frequency of love, all of a sudden shatters into a million pieces, hard to see where the pieces went.
You know why?
Because I can't learn to shut the fuck up when  intrusive thoughts want to break free. Instead, it's like my brain says
"Oh yeah, here I'll get the door for you. Make sure you yell it, and get really obsessed over it, and make him feel like he did something wrong when he's literally just trying to wake up and start his day"
Like seriously?

All at the same time I am SCREAMING in my head to please stop.
I go and ask a thousand questions of something I saw on his phone.
A while ago.
Something I didn't even care about or think about.
I just brought it up out of no where?
For what?!!

I left our apartment a little after that, and went to go hangout with some friends, and see my little sister, Lee. While I was driving, I got a text from Todd, basically saying he's gonna change the password to his phone and I really have problems and he doesn't think it's cute. He was aggressive and mean, but everything he was saying was so right.

I replied, but didn't make an excuse. Idk if my answer was even effective or how he feels.. I just know I really fucked things up. Again. Last time he said it was the last straw.. no more. And I do it again?

So, I spend the day hanging out, I hung out with Lee, and we went to an old park I had a bunch of memories on, between cheer practice, coaching cheer, vacation bible school, after school walks, blunt nature walks, it was refreshing. I felt like myself. I felt a little more comfortable.

Then I got home.
Todd said he would be home, but he was gone.
I was home alone.

I deserve it though.

He said he was getting food at 1:40 am and was at his friends. It's now 4:28 am. And I'm here. On my couch, watching a murder investigation show, writing in this journal that's been sitting for 6 months. Talking to you.

I'm sitting here hating myself.
My mom apologized today because she said she gave me this mental disorder bullshit, but like she shouldn't blame herself.

I need to fix me.
I am the problem.
Nobody else.

I know how Todd feels, and I don't know how he has stood by my side after dealing with me for this long..how can I know what I'm doing, and how it makes him feel, but I can't stop it??

I say I try.
I do scream and scream..
but I just need to stop right?

How.

I really just need to know. I'm asking you.. I feel like shit, I don't know where I belong, or where I should go, or what I should do. Why do I exist? I'm so tired. I'm not even being myself. Who I want to be. What's wrong with me?

Thanks for listening,
I love you,
Julie
Thank you x3 Xoxo