Shadows - Fillie

1 / life is going downhill

For her, there was nothing able to save her, not only because she already gave up on herself, but also because nobody was around her.
Nobody close at least, she is still one of the most popular women 0n this planet.

And still she was only able to feel something when she was cutting herself, wounds on her starved body. When she wasn't on drugs and able to feel something else than pain, it was a nightmare .

Millions of followers on instagram, followers increasing. And still she had no one, in her actual, private life that cared for her enough. Even though that wasn't true, she didn't know, so the easiest way, but also the most terrifying one, was to believe in it that way.

Nobody loves you. You shouldn't care about others, the thought of killing herself, crossed her mid before. Yes of course, but the people she kind of liked would be soooo disappointment. And that was kind of the only reason why she hasn't killed herself...committed suicide. However you say it, it wont let it sound less harsh and sad.

The people that stayed around her currently, where basically one some friends and some family members. She definitely meant more to them, then she could even possibly know, figure out or even experience.
Simply because she wouldn't let them come close enough to her, the contact to her costars but also family almost completely disappeared, when she moved to Canada, Toronto.

A city which borders upon Michigan and New York and still it was Canada. The fact that her friends started to move on from her didn't really make her sad. Okay it did, but as if she could ever be able to commit this to herself. No fucking way, the thought, that way should would become happier, even though her therapist told her the exact opposite.there was no other way for her to con0 0with life, if it wasn't by herself.

She now has been living here for roundabout 3 month and she has never ever felt so alone, bored, lonely and isolated. She isn't a dump human, she thought that a new place would be good to explore and Lear about. Putting some effort into her first real home alone.

Still she regrets not having moved out sooner, at home she didn't feel safe anymore. She loved all of her siblings and also her mother was so lovely and kind. And till she regrets it, just because of her father.

A person she would like to erase out of her life and her moms and out of the live from her siblings. She isn't even sure if he is a person, more likely a demon or simply a monster, which thinks of itself as the smartest, even if it is the biggest asshole, son of a bitch and douchebag. He was usually included into everything and almost everything turned out horrible.

At least so did Millie's life, 20 years of being tortured. It started with him only racking her mentally, but after her fame became to much not only for her, but her whole family, everything hit her at once. The family broke together because of her own abusing father. She "only" got a slapped once by him. Right across the face, after that she didn't want to live at home. But her mom, had experience way more abuse, luckily she also moved away from him, with Millie's little sister Ava. Millie sends them money once a month, because the love she chairs with them is really important to her.

While finding out, where to move she stayed in hotels and at friends. That made her feel safe, like her costars. They cared about her a lot, the time together was great and she does miss them every single day. But in difference to the friendships, she stayed in contact with her mother and siblings. But she hasn't spend much time, since moving out of the USA.

She knew some day she would love to move to a little house in the south of France, the was there only once and she never could go back because of her filming schedule and other stuff she had to deal with. But when that moment in her life would come, she should have worked on herself. Becoming a happier version of her current one, that was the destination. Moving there know, would only ruin her future plan.
But after the breaking point 5 months ago, she needed to rest and think about life, making decisions. The only way to escape, was something that made her think of something else, a distraction to say at least. Sounds derogative, but maybe a human. As long as she would hide it well, no problem.

Also funny to think about the fact that know in Canada she doesn't have friends anymore, but still here are as many paparazzis as in LA. She hasn't too many thoughts with her minds games, the need to talk to people you trust is there, it has been for months now and it wont go away. To wont leave her brain, the thoughts destroying her brain cells.

The other option was to adopt a puppy, her old dod Winnie died approximately 3 months ago and surprise nothing went better since than. Her puppy was very important to her, it was giving her strength to believe in herself, that she would be able to succeed.

Her 21th birthday would be in 2 weeks and still she has no idea of to do, how to make it a nice day for herself.

The media really was right, she was living a lonely life, except for groceries store. There weren't many places she rally liked to visit by herself, but the grocery store was welcoming and calming.

But her mind had to focus of the new script for the movie she will be filming in a few weeks. Some of her old cast mates from strangerthings will be very important too. For that she has to leave her cute village in Toronto. Flying back to linora, in California. She is scared and happy at the same time, the reunion with her old friends, that almost forgot about her.

The only hope was happiness.
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I hope that Ill stay focused and end this book as soon as I can. Don't expect to much. Im not even a native speaker. <3