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— august 2020
your alarm woke you up, your eyes immediately squeezing shut from the harsh glares of sunlight beaming through your open window, almost blinding you. a content sigh left from your lips as you hugged katsuki's arm tighter against you, but as soon as your finger tips brushed against his ice cold skin, you paused for a minute, heart speeding up and fear soared through your veins.
"katsuki?" your small voice called out in barely a whisper. no answer. you said he voice a bit louder this time, clutching on to the false hope that he was just in a deep sleep, that he was only cold because of the chilling breeze flowing through the window, that he wasn't moving because he didn't want to disturb you.
you let out a shaky sigh as you slowly lifted up, his arm falling off of you on the bed as you kept your back to him the entire time. your chest rapidly raised up and down from the negative thoughts drowning your brain, your fingers tightly gripped the sheets as you deeply swallowed and slowly turned your head around to him.
you extended your quivering arm out to him before pressing your hand against his face, feeling all the heat from body completely gone. you curled your lips together and shook your head, refusing to believe what you already knew. tears started to well up in your eyelids when you brought your body closer and dipped your head down to his chest, hopelessly searching for a heartbeat—a sign of life—that you knew in your soul wasn't there.
dread quickly weighed down on you. it was a feeling you couldn't even put into words. your chest squeezed painfully as if concrete was dropped on to your body, crushing you to death. your breaths became more shallow and your throat felt constricted as the tears you so desperately wanted to stop from falling rushed down your face.
wretched sobs started falling from your mouth as your body jerked with each one torn from your throat, you tried to bite down on your quivering lip in attempts to keep them in as you threw yourself next to him, arms desperately trying to pull him closer and closer so you could hold him one last time, breathing all that was left of him. hot tears fell non stop from your eyes onto his cold pale skin as you fell undone next to his corpse.
if only you had answered him when he said your name, if only you didn't say those rude, venomous things to him even though you didn't really mean them, if only you had put your pride down and tried to talk it out with him — you didn't want to break up with him, you wanted the live the rest of your life with katsuki, if you could take it all back and tell him how much you really loved him you would.
your body shook harshly against his, nails digging into his arms as if you were trying to crawl into his skin. you wanted to scream so loudly, you wanted to yell and curse at all for leaving you, yet your voice was lodged deeply in your constricted throat, only thing leaving was the broken sobs that you cried into his now tear stained tank top.
you didn't move for several moments, just keeping yourself next to katsuki. you didn't even know what to do, you didn't know who the call, you didn't know what to say.
you didn't want to leave him—you couldn't leave him. the ambulance would take him away, you would never be able to hold him again, smell him again, you'd never be graced with his presence again once he was buried into the ground.
you let out another choked sob, using your sleeve to wipe the snot that poured from your nose before you hesitantly looked up at him, lips trembling again when your eyes landed on his pale face.
your scooted up a little and stared at him through your puffy eyes that were starting to hurt, breathing in harshly before you slowly leaned in, pressing your chapped lips against his icy ones, more tears falling on his face.
"it's okay katsuki" you rasped out, laying your forehead against his. "i forgive you"
