The Missing Hands

Chapter 17

trigger warning: this chapter includes content that tackles abuse (verbal and physical), heavy language that includes profanities, trauma, detailed murder, self-harm, and others.
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Chapter 17

Lying and pretending. That has always been the case for me. People don't know the real me. I'm not who they think I am.

Ever since I was young, I would always lie about how I felt, and pretend that everything was okay with me. And then the time came when I needed to lie and pretend more seriously than I ever did before, so I could somehow fit in with other people, mainly my classmates. I was in 9th grade back then. I can tell by the atmosphere whenever I'm surrounded by them that they are a bunch of innocent people who haven't done something like what I have done that year, and their hearts aren't wrapped in darkness for so long, like mine is.

There are scars that can't be healed, memories that will be etched in my mind forever, and a certain voice that I keep hearing, be it in reality or in my dreams. It all haunts me, day and night, whether I'm awake or asleep.

No one will ever understand what I'm going through, except for myself. Not only is my heart wrapped in darkness, but my entire being is. Knowing that no one will ever understand me except for myself, I've always felt alone.

But whenever I'm in school, I somehow forget about the scars and memories, as well as the voice, even for a short period of time. Lying about my personality and pretending to be a "normal" person just like everyone else have always gotten me through every situation.

Showing my true self to other people is like blowing my cover and revealing my secrets. In reality, I'm fucked in the head, and I have committed a serious crime. And I need to keep lying and pretending so that no one will know the truth about me and what I have done.

Simula high school hanggang ngayong nasa kolehiyo na ako, I am known as someone who's very talkative, sociable, and a person who has a wide circle of friends. And I purposely made it that way because of how important connections are and because of the character I needed to portray so I could fit in.

Among all the friends that I have made, there's one person that I would call the "closest" friend among all of them, because she's the only one in school who knows the details about my family that no one else knows.

Maiandra Agustino is my "best friend", and she knows that I have a brother who's a special child and that my father is often away for work, causing my brother and I to be left alone at home most of the time. As for my mother, well... She thinks that my mother has abandoned us.

Mother... A mother should love her children and take care of them. And oh, how I despised mine. No, actually, I still despise her now. She's the root cause of all my suffering.

Not only does my so-called best friend think that my mother left us behind, but my own father as well. He thinks that his wife ran away from home because of how burdened she felt with her family. But the truth is... she's dead, gone, and buried.

"Wala ka talagang kwentang anak, Aubree!"

"Wala ka talagang kwenta, ano? Binili ko ang mga pinggang 'yan para magmukha naman tayong disenteng pamilya na hindi naghihirap, pero binasag mo lang?! Tangina ka!"

"Diyos ko, ano bang nagawa kong kasalanan para bigyan ako ng mga walang kwentang anak? Ikaw, palpak ka na lang palagi, tapos may kapansanan pa ang kapatid mo?! Tanginang buhay 'to, oh!"

I can't help but close my eyes. There it is again. The memories, the voice. I dug my nails into my palms. Make it stop! Make it stop!

"Wala ka talagang kwenta! Diyos ko naman oh, nagpapakahirap akong kumita ng pera sa palengke, tapos pinangbayad ko pa kay Aling Maria ang perang kinita ko ng ilang araw dahil nilaglag mo ang binibenta niyang vase?!"