your favorite martian oneshots

crying over it all - benatar

(tw for major character death, mentions of eating disorders and slightly graphic descriptions of self harm and suicide. vent cuz im gfucking losing it)

benatar was dying. he knew this, incredibly well.
he was killing himself slowly. and he knew one thing- he could NOT tell anyone.
he couldn't deal with anyone knowing about his secrets. it would be too much for him to mentally handle, having everyone watch over him to make sure he doesnt starve to death or kill himself. he's 23, for fucks sake. a grown adult, he can make his own decisions.
his decision was to kill himself.
he knew he wouldn't amount to much of anything, his bandmates made sure he knew that. he knew they hated him, absolutely despised being around him, so why should he stick there? staying where the people want him dead?
————
it was 9pm, and benatar already knew tonight was fucked for sure. he could barely drag himself out of his bunk all day, and when he did, he couldn't do so much as make tea. he went to the couch and flopped down, pulling his knees to his chest. he sat there for the whole rest of the day.
in the background, step on me by the cardigans played quietly from a speaker.
he couldn't do this.
he got up, grabbed a piece of paper and a pen, and started writing.

"dear bandmates,
i'm going to be going to the woods tonight, i won't be returning. i care about you guys, don't forget about me. i'm going to be dead.
love,
benatar x"
he placed it all down on the table, and walked out of the bus. he didn't care it they read it soon or not, they'd have to eventually. it was his suicide note.
he made his way toward the woods, attempting to find that one specific spot he found when scoping out the area in the past. he loved his spot, and he would miss it immensely. so, why not die in it?
after a bit of walking, benatar found it. he sat down, placing his blade, water and pills next to him. he was ready to die.
————-

he grabbed the blade, and quickly pressed down into his arm, and sliced, putting a deep, large vertical cut into his arm. he proceeded to repeat this onto his other arm, placing the blade in the cool grass afterwards. feeling slight fatigue, he grabbed the pills and water, opening both. he quickly downed all of the pills he had in 4 handfuls, leaving a sick, disgusting feeling in his body. he leaned against the tree and closed his eyes, feeling the dizziness and sickness begin in him. he was dying, and he couldn't stop it now. tears welled up in his eyes, and before he knew it, he was sobbing. he had intense pain, he didn't want to feel it anymore. it was too much and too little all at the same time and he felt as if he was about to vomit and god he just wanted it to be over.
thankfully, as soon as it came, it all had ended. he felt his body shut down permanently, and he let himself drift away from his vessel, becoming less and less attached incredibly quickly. nothing was real anymore, because he was gone and he couldn't come back. he got his sweet release of death, and nobody stopped him.

//

el oh el!
edit: there will not be a part two or a new version of this.