The Forgotten One

4

"Shame should be reserved
for the things we choose to do,
not the circumstances that
life puts on us."
- Ann Patchett

♡

Edited chapter 4 - discussion of changes is at the end. X

✨

I always thought it was silly- the way people blamed themselves for things that were obviously out of their control.

I couldn't understand it. A product of never being in a situation that would provoke a response like that. Until that night.

It's been just under three weeks since he did what he did. Three weeks spent blaming myself. Three weeks imagining all the things I could have done different- right down to never befriending him when we were little. Three weeks wishing I hadn't woke up: wishing the drug had actually worked.

I suppose it's my luck. I couldn't even get drugged properly. I had to wake up early- endure him being inside of me. Him being on top of me.

And its not like I was afraid or sex before, or anything. I mean, I wasn't even a virgin. I've had sex before- countless times, with countless different people. I suppose I've always sought a reprieve from my mind- and what better way than the euphoria of being in bed with someone.

But what happened the night of the party didn't feel like sex. It couldn't be sex, right?

Sex was supposed to be fun. Enjoyable. But what happened with Adam wasn't; I wasn't even conscious. How could he think that was okay? I thought he cared about me. But surely he didn't?

What if I gave him the wrong impression? What if I made him think I wanted it?

I'm sure I've done that, before. I mean, I've slept with people before in the haze of alcohol and, occasionally, drugs knowing they weren't my type. I've made them think I liked them, because why else would I sleep with them? But none of them have done what he did. At least I don't think they have. But what happens if I just didn't wake up?

As far as I'm aware, I wasn't supposed to wake up when he did it.

I never saw myself as the kind of girl who would sleep around. But then I also never saw myself as the kind of girl who would lose her virginity to her husband, in a room filled with red roses. I suppose, if anything, I only ever thought I'd sleep with people I trusted.

And I guess that part is true- I trusted the person. Adam was the only boy in his group that I trusted. Trusted enough to hand me a drink that I didn't see him pour. Trusted enough to let him carry me upstairs so I could sleep. I think the rest of our friends were the same- trusted him enough to leave me intoxicated with him.

I don't blame them. You'd think I would, but I don't. Adam was always the most respectful to women- Theo and Joe were never vocally misogynistic, or anything, but everyone knew they didn't really care if they broke a girl's heart.

Archie was different story. He was sexist, viewed women as objects, but played it off as a joke. From what I've heard, none of the other boys really liked him, but they also couldn't get rid of him- I often recall hearing him being referred to as a leach.

But, Adam. Adam was different- he'd call out the boys for shagging random girls, and not caring much about the them after. He wouldn't guffaw when demeaning comments about women were made.