Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

7

We have just finished our first sexual encounter. Nothing more than handjobs and it was perfect. I was surprised when he told me that he was inexperienced. Hopefully, he didn't notice that.

I wrap my arms around him. He leans his head on my chest. I have to get some things off my mind. Things I never told him. I know it's too early to have that conversation where we are. We just started. But I won't get another chance. Soon this will be all gone.
"Lou? I'm scared."

He raises his head and looks at me.
"Scared?"

"Yeah, I know this is too deep, but just hear me out. I'm afraid that you will outgrow me one day. You're on this whole personal journey and I think it's amazing. Seeing you break free from your trauma and becoming the person you were before they took that away. So, I'm holding on too tight." I admit. Sigh.

He furrows his eyebrows.
"So why don't you grow with me?"

I wish it had been that simple.
"Yeah..."

"Are you sad, Harry?" He asks.

I try to smile. Kiss his temple.
"No. I'm happy in the moment. You mean so much to me, Lou."

"Yeah?" He asks. He sounds so hopeful.

"Absolutely. Don't ever forget that." I whisper. Sad. So, so sad.

He's falling asleep. I have to tell him one last thing.
"I wish you could talk to me. Be more open about how you feel. You have to let people in."

"I'll try." He mumbles sleepily.

The memory swirls away. We're on the football field at the school near my apartment. I take Louis' hand. He's scared senseless. I feel so sorry for him.
"Guys, this is Louis."

The guys introduce themselves. I have told them that Louis is very shy. They try their best to make him feel comfortable. I wonder if he erased them too from his memory? Probably. They were my friends first. If he would still hang out with them he would meet me. He didn't want that.

Did he regret his decision while they erased his memories? Did he try to wake up, just like me? Did it remind him of how much he loves me, or did this mental run-through of our past only confirm that he did the right thing leaving me? So many questions I'll never get answered.

We play football. I can see that it means the world to him. It breaks my heart but it also makes me proud of who he is today. I love all versions of him. If I could only remember this in the morning.

I wave the boys over.
"Guys! You have to tell me about this when I wake up. Tell me about Louis!"

They stare at me in confusion.

I'm on the train. Cart two. It's like a film at high speed from end to beginning. I panic. This is it. There will not be anymore memories after this. Louis will be erased from my mind.

The memory is at normal speed now. Our stop is next. Louis gets up to leave. I rush to get to him. We bump into each other. I know my line.
"Oops!"

He looks at me. Blushes. Whispers.
"Hi."

He tries to get past me. I panic for real.
"Louis! Don't get off. We need to get away from here, change this memory."

He stares at me like I'm a lunatic.
"How do you know my name?"

"I'll explain it to you. Just, stay on the train. Please." I plead desperately.

He brushes me off. Press through the doors just before they close. He stops to look at me through a stained window. The train takes off and I watch him leave. Sad. So, so sad.

I'm back on the train. Reading a book. My policeman. I love that book. I look up. Louis is sitting opposite me. He looks away, caught staring at me. I get up and sit next to him.
"Hi, I'm Harry."

He glances at me. Blushes.
"Louis." He whispers.

"We ride the train together every morning." I smile. Come on, make him talk to you.

"Yeah." He mumbles.

What if I hide him in another memory? One that's not connected to him? I frantically try to think of one. A childhood memory comes to mind. My mother singing a lullaby, tucking me in.

I close my eyes and try to focus. Bring me there, take Louis with me. I open my eyes and I'm in my old room, my old bed. A gasp next to me makes me turn my head. It worked! Louis is here with me.
"Where are me?" He asks, voice trembling.

"My old room. Listen, we don't have much time. I love you. I'm going to find you somehow. I told your sister and our friends. Hopefully one of them will tell us." I stress.

He looks scared.
"Tell us what?"

"That we erased each other. How much we love each other. What a stupid, horrible mistake this is. I love you!" I say.

He doesn't understand. Why would he? His memories of me are long gone. We only exist here, in this moment. He's just a piece of my mind, hidden in another memory.
"Can I go now?" He asks.

"Can I just get a hug? One last hug?" I plead.

I hate that I'm doing this to him. He must be so afraid and confused. He hesitates but hugs me. I nuzzle my nose against his shirt. Breath him in one last time.

The sun through the curtains woke me up. When am I finally gonna buy some blinds?