Gift of a Lifetime

III

The next few hours I was in and out of sleep -seeing Jayden or my mother walk past me and then nothing, or wake up to them laughing in the kitchen and rolling over to fall right back asleep, and once, this one I thought was a hallucination, Jayden resting in the reclinable chair watching the television, and, as if he could feel me staring at him, he glanced over to me and when he saw me he smiled. A genuine, closed-mouth smile with yet a hint of something like affection or admiration. I smiled back with -I hoped- the same manner, blinking slowly as if to fall asleep right there and then.

When he looked away, I still stared at him. His glasses reflecting off of the television, dark eyes visible from there, messy black curls, and before I knew it, he himself was fast asleep. Then I felt awkward watching him sleep, and closed my own eyes, not even remembering trying to fall asleep, just the last glimpse of Jayden and then I was awake again. I felt like shit.

The room was dark, Jayden was facing away from me and had a blanket covering him. The TV had a screen above the channel that it was left on; Are you still watching? Then, right below it in a smaller font, Your TV will be powered off in 1:19, the seconds were counting down, one by one, 18, 17, 16, 15. I watched until it got down to exactly 1:00, then sat up and looked around. It was dark as pitch outside, and if I focused on the time on the stove in the kitchen enough, I could see the time -11:06.

I was wide awake after sleeping all day, unable to even think about going back to sleep despite my throbbing headache. Without thinking of what I was doing, I got up and walked to the back sliding door. I tried my best to do it quietly, but the door had an uncontrollable squeak that lead to Jayden just simply stirring and rolling over to face where I was. It was too dark to see if he was sleeping still or if he was awake and staring at me.

Disoriented by the thought of him just staring at me like that, I stepped outside and closed the door behind me. We had a little backyard, a small porch where two chairs were and a few meters in width and length across of grass. I went and stood on the edge of the porch, my hands in my pockets, watching the night sky roll over.

My head turned at the sound of the back door sliding open again, and, to my relief, it was Jayden. He tilted his head in confusion.

"What are you doing out here?"

Once he reached me, I responded, "Couldn't sleep."

In the silence that followed, he took his glasses off and wiped them drowsily on his shirt. Once he had them back on and crossed his arms, I began to think of what to say. Though the silence was peaceful, as if we were in our own worlds in our own minds, we were still standing there, together.

"Jayden," I finally said. I didn't dare look at him, though I could feel him looking at me. "Um, thanks."

A confused pause. "For what?"

I hesitated, taking a quiet breath. "I've been a bit of a mess lately, and all you've done is make me feel better." Then I looked at him nervously. I could barely see him but his outline was so mesmerizing.

I turned towards him more, and he turned in response, and immediately I pulled him by the waist into a hug. He held onto me just as passionately, and I could feel his hand gently on the back of my head. This was what made me tired. I could've fallen asleep right there, but I wanted so badly to savor this moment that I didn't even have to force myself to stay up.

Me, as mentally ill and touch starved as I was, I almost began to cry. I felt so safe as close to him as I was, that terrible thoughts came to me telling me he would betray me like Ryan did, or unexpectedly pass in a car accident, or get lost or kidnapped and I would never see him again. Life was so fragile, I noticed, that it can be taken from you within seconds.

I didn't even realize that I was beginning to squeeze him. But, as good of a friend he was, he squeezed back, and I heard the faintest whisper, "I'm so sorry."

I pulled away from him, though I was still close and holding onto him. His hands around my neck. "I wish I could just make it all go away," He spoke in an accidentally lulling tone, pushing a hair out of my face so he could see me better.

How did I end up with such a good friend like him? Why me? How me? Then I realized how no words could express how I felt about him but just a few. But if I dare tried to tell him, I would risk something that I would lastly want to happen. I didn't care, though. I trusted Jayden. But I didn't think I would be able to get them out without breaking down. But he deserved to know how lucky I was to have him, how lucky I was that he cared so much for me. If I were him, I would be so tired of me, I would've left earlier and never came back.

"I love you, man." It just slipped out. He smiled in response, and pressed our foreheads together, then pulled me into an embrace, resting the side of his face against my head.

I couldn't control the tears coming from my eyes. I loved him so much I couldn't bear it. When I adjusted my head to face towards the sliding door, I thought I could see my mother standing in the kitchen. I wondered, for a moment, how long she was standing there. Did she see how much I needed him?

That was when I wondered -did he see me the same way that I saw him? Was he holding back tears right now? I knew he wasn't; Jayden was one of the toughest people I've ever known. To be honest, I've only seen him cry once, which I still didn't think it counted if it was a single tear -one school morning I saw him sitting on a bench, leaning forward over his knees. He wasn't quite clear with what was bothering him, all he had said was, "My dad isn't the nicest all the time." As he said that, I saw a tear fall which was immediately wiped off. Did he feel like he shouldn't show his emotions to me? It broke my heart just thinking that. One day, I thought, one day he will open up to me the same way I do to him.

At that thought, I pulled away slowly, aware of my mother still watching us, and the way he looked at me almost broke me. Sad, guilty eyes behind his glasses. I tried to grab a better hold of his waist before I began to speak, but he beat me to it.

"It's gonna be okay," He muttered. There was one thing that would perhaps help, but I wouldn't ever say or do it, or even write it on one of these pages. Then, I saw out of the corner of my eye, my mother walking down the hall to her bedroom.

A tear slipped out of my eye. He put my forehead against his, and I closed my eyes for a second, pushing another tear out.

Suddenly, as if he knew that she was gone now, it was just like back in the alley, our faces so close I could feel him breathing, setting something off deep inside me.

Our eyes locked.

"Have you ever wondered what it would be like to kiss a boy?" He spoke in a low voice, trailing his hand up to my cheeks. I stared, mouth gaping in surprise.

I had wondered about it before, but never thought about doing that. Even with Jayden. I was frozen in what felt like fear, butterflies that were born in my stomach that began climbing up my throat. I couldn't speak.

"Do you want to see?" His tone felt different, a heated touch to it that made my heart race.

I had never, never in my two different lives kissed anyone, and the thought of having my first one with my best friend seemed like the way to go. An unbreakable trust, knowing that no one would ever find out because none of you told anyone.

The softness of his lips almost scared me into pulling away. I felt one of his hands slide to the back of my head, pushing our heads together. He pulled away for a second as if to end the moment, but I kissed him again, and I felt his hands travel down to my waist. He pressed our faces together again, beginning to breathe heavier.

After a few more seconds he pulled away, with a slowness that made it feel like a real, heartfelt kiss that I would one day have with someone I loved. But maybe I already did.

I had absolutely no idea what to do or say, all I could do was stare at him, an excited, yet fearful feeling pumping through my veins so fast I felt lightheaded.

And it was like all he could do was stare as well.

That was the clearest sight I got of his eyes. Now, I don't think I should go into detail about it because I know how cheesy it would sound, but it was beautiful.

Now we were such close friends that we knew what it felt like to kiss each other. It was fun, and I'd do it again.