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❅ Self-hatred ❅ 03
It took nothing but a month for Cherry and Mingyu to start dating.
I felt stupid.
Why ?
Because the day I introduced them one another, I invited Mingyu to come eat lunch with us and in an eager attempt to set a distance between them -completely contradicting my previous plans to not do so-, I blurted out that Cherry had her eyes on him.
I guess karma works its ways, because one way or another I helped Cherry, just like she asked me.
Mingyu asked me multiple times if I was okay with that, knowing that I had a crush on Cherry but as always, I preferred seeing her happy with him rather than crying with me.
To add onto the 'why I felt stupid' topic, it was probably people's opinions.
I know you're not supposed to let these get to you, but it seemed like God was testing me, how long it'll take until I break.
On one hand, they praised Mingyu and Cherry because though I hated to admit it, they looked good together.
Like, really good.
And on the other hand, people wondered how come I wasn't the one Cherry was dating.
It seemed like everyone knew about my crush except her, everyone was waiting for the day Cherry and I would start dating but instead, one morning, Cherry walked in the school with Mingyu, holding his hand out of nervousness.
When Cherry rejected me, it hurt, I wondered why didn't she like me.
But now that she had someone, I wondered why did he had that I didn't, it was way more painful.
They were my best friends, but since they started dating, I took some distance from them to allow them to have their moments, that simple action causing me to be alone.
I didn't care about other people wanting to befriend me or other girls wanting to date me, I wasn't in the right mindset for that.
I was heartbroken.
I hate to admit it using that term, but nothing was more fitting, I felt completely crushed.
I never experienced it before, but nobody told me that it hurted that bad.
Nobody told me that heartbreaks caused to lay in your bed at night, crying into your pillow until you felt like you couldn't breathe anymore.
Nobody told me it made you feel extremely insecure about yourself, no matter what you looked like.
And most importantly, nobody told me it was that hard to let go of someone who had made it clear they didn't want you in the way you wanted them.
I began resenting Mingyu, though I put myself in this situation.
I kept shit-talking him in my head every time I saw him, or when I saw his pictures with Cherry on social media, or when he told me about their latest date with a smile on his face or..
.. Or really any time I thought about Cherry and how she wasn't mine.
I hated him.
I could barely stand him anymore and because of that, I began hating myself too.
It was all my fault.
If I never asked Cherry if she liked someone that day and promised her to help her with that, if I never invited them both to lunch, if I kept my mouth shut and sealed that day.. None of that would've happened.
It would've kept being Cherry and me, no third party.
Nothing was strong enough to describe this sensation of hatred that grew within me, so fast it made me want to throw up.
What kind of person was I to hate my friend over something I caused ?
What didn't I do right for Cherry to like me ?
What should I do to get her to like me ?
These questions were omnipresent in my head, tormenting me and making me wonder how much I loved Cherry to feel so pained, so depressive over her.
"Are you okay, Jungkook ?"
I painted a fake smile on my face, like I always did around her lately.
I wondered if Cherry noticed, if she knew me as much as I knew her.
If she treasured me like I treasured her.
But she probably didn't, the nature of our feelings were different.
I loved her.
She loved me too, but not like I wanted.
"Yes, Cher.. No need to worry about me."
She smiled back and nodded, offering me a cream bun as she sat in front of me, looking around the room silently.
Mingyu had a doctor's appointment that day, that meant he wasn't there and it was back to Cherry and me, for the first time in a while.
I understood that she had a boyfriend now, I wouldn't be her priority, it made no sense.
But still, it kind of hurt.
It was a great opportunity to slide between them, but I felt like if I did that, I would've hated myself even more.
The silence didn't last as Cherry soon began filling it by talking about a show she recently started watching.
A show that Mingyu recommended.
I listened to her without great interest that day, for the first time in our whole friendship.
Because in the whole six months I've known her, I never felt more like jumping of a cliff and ending myself.
Some might say that it's stupid to have these kind of thoughts over a simple heartbreak.
But let me tell you.
When you hate yourself as much as I did back then, feeling isolated without daring to speak up about how you feel, these thoughts become frequent.
If I killed myself, I wouldn't feel like that anymore.
The guilt, the pain, the self-hatred, any of these emotions that tormented me.
I wouldn't feel anything anymore.
.
.
(A/N)
if you have these thoughts, remember that you're never alone.
you can come talk to me if you want, i'm not good at giving advice but i can always listen.
if you don't feel like it, it's okay, just know that i'm here if you need me <3
US suicide hotline : 9-8-8 (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong)
