The Black Widow

Sad Times

"Natasha want to go for a walk?"

I smile and nod. Of course, I did! I always did.

We don't move anymore. We have been living in the same apartment for a long time, almost six months now. I thought this would be a happy thing but apparently, it isn't. He was right about the changes. Everything is different now. Something is coming, something big. Maybe it was a that scary stuff but for now, it is only weird. 

Lessons have become strange. All my teachers changed and instead of geometry and chemistry, I learn fight strategy and hand to hand combat. My diet has changed as well. Ivan makes me eat a lot more than I'd like and it's all weird stuff. I am constantly hearing whispered comments about my size and how much of a problem it could end up being. They think I can't hear or that I pay attention. It makes me angry that they criticize something I can't control. I don't see why it should matter. I don't see why I should matter. Whatever they are planning I know that I am a big part of it but I don't know why. I'm afraid to ask. Ivan insisted that questions were a bad thing.

"Okay get your coat." I grab my soft brown coat and button it up. We always go for walks after my lessons. He still asks even though my answer will never be no. It's just our routine, our thing I honestly wouldn't expect anyone else to understand but these walks are everything to me. The only time when everything in my world makes perfect sense.

There is this park that we go to and it's really pretty. There are lots of trees and flowers. There is even a small playground. (I don't play on it though I am too old for stuff like that.)

Ivan and I will sit on a bench and watch the sun go down. I like watching the soft glow of the sun fade into the darkness of night. Sometimes we talk but most of the time it's just him. I rarely know what to say. He likes talking about what it will be like when I am older and things will be different. I will go to a real school and have lots of friends he says that every year we will have a big birthday celebration with a big chocolate cake and yellow frosting,(yellow is my favorite color) and pretty pink frosting flowers. I've never had a cake before and have never really seen one except for glimpses in the baker's window on the rare occasion that we walk by. I didn't know that's what I was supposed to have.

He says that we will always be together and that I will never be upset or afraid. That I will always be safe. Ivan's eyes look sad whenever he talks about that life. I don't like it, it makes him seem older than he really is. I have noticed that happens a lot now. He will be looking at me and his eyes become sad. That's why I don't think it will happen. The life he imagines for the two of us. That's only one of the reasons.  In my lessons, I am learning to see patterns in behavior and events. I have compared what he has described to my life and it just doesn't fit. Everything he is describing just doesn't fit the pattern. 

We get to the bench and We sit down. We watch the sky change colors and children play. There is a woman pushing a tiny blue baby carriage. She is smiling and cooing at the baby inside it. A girl and boy that are my age start to fight over a ball. The start to wrestle each other and are screaming. An older child that looks like them comes and breaks up the fight. A young man with dark hair and a woman with bright blond hair walk past us. The man is in a military uniform and the woman is gripping his arm like she won't ever let go. When I see them I think of the picture of my own mother and father. They are just like them. Maybe if they were here my life wouldn't scare me so much.

I hardly notice that Ivan has been telling me that story again. The one about when I am older. By the time I notice he is well into describing the cake.

"Ivan," I interrupt.

"Yes, Natasha."

"I apologize for interrupting but..."