Dear Diary - a Heartstopper AU

October 1st

Dear diary,

Most of my time since I moved to Leeds I was in the library or just outside. My roommate is annoying. I was worried that he might be homophobic. He's not homophobic, he's biphobic. Dean, my roommate, is gay and in his opinion bi people are just scared to confirm that they are gay or bi people just want to play around with gay people and end up in straight relationship. I told him that he's wrong and that's offensive. And when I told him that I planned to marry Charlie one day if he didn't died, he looked at me and said: "So you are gay. Why are you afraid to commit?" It's just exhausting.
I decorated my side of the room with pictures of Charlie and me and our friends. And I put a fairy light over my bed. It looks very cosy. Charlie would love that. But I think he would put more pictures of us together on the wall, just to show I'm taken. Thinking of Charlie and how he would decorate my room makes me sad. I miss him so much. He didn't deserve it. Every-time I start crying my roommate says that I have to get over it. Last time he said that I throw a pillow after him and told him to shut up. Dean is just a jerk. He's is the living prove that not every queer person is nice and tolerant.
I talked to Tao yesterday. He told me that school is annoying without Charlie and that they had a memorial ceremony for Charlie at the beginning of the year and everyone was sad and shocked. He also told me that there are a lot of rumors how Charlie died. I told Tao that everyone says I should get over it and move on, but I can't. He understood and told me to take my time. He said he couldn't imagine to loose Elle.
I don't know how this happened but Tao and I became good friends during my relationship with Charlie and now it feels even closer. The same with Charlies sister Tori. She texted me a lot during the time after Charlies dead. It's just like Tao and Tori are the only ones who understand my pain.
I mean, I know I have to move on someday. But how? I couldn't ever imagine a life without Charlie since the day we met in form. And now I have to. I have to live a life without Charlie Spring. And no one can tell me how to do it. No one understands the pain. I hope it gets better when the classes going to start.