The Rebirth Of Hurt Souls

Chapter 1: Monday

Hey there! I'm Ryland, super star football player on my school's team The Bulldogs and just an all round cool guy. I'm obviously joking, but that's besides the point. Today I'm going to be talking about my life, kind of like what you would find in a diary entry, except a bit more dark. Anyways, without further ado, let's get into the story of the train-wreck that is my life. 

I was born on December 2nd, 2004. The earliest memories I had as a child wasn't like every other child. You know, playing with toy cars, Barbie's and firetrucks. Instead, I would constantly be sitting alone in the corner of my room, listening to my parents arguing in the room next door. To say it had a negative impact on me growing up is an understatement. I would cry everyday, knowing that one day my parents were going to separate.

 Finally, at the age of 10, my mom and dad split up. Although having two rooms was nice, I was heavily made fun of. It made me become more and more introverted with every passing day. I kept everything to myself, because whenever I would talk about my problems to my mom she would just yell at me and ask how I think she feels. It really hurt knowing how little she cared, but after all, she never did. She cared more about alcohol than her own child. Even my dad didn't care, he just laughed and told me to suck it up, told me to "be a man". I still don't know what he meant by that to this day. I don't want to even think about what he meant by that.

As years passed, I started getting into sport more and more, specifically football. It brought me a sense of comfort that I never felt before, knowing I would get praised for being good at something I enjoy. I felt immense happiness while playing, the adrenaline rushing through my body every game as people cheered me on from the stands, some of them even chanting my name. I felt on top of the world, but of course this new found talent made my parent's expectations much higher for me. They expected me to get a scholarship from it and to even be signed to join one of the most elite teams in the country. It was becoming too much and made football no longer fun or enjoyable. It stressed me out so much to the point where I would have panic attacks in the locker rooms, feeling my windpipes tighten with every breath I try to let out. I would feel like I'm dying, but no one noticed. No one heard my cries for help. Or maybe, they just simply didn't care enough.

As high-school came along, I gained popularity extremely quickly due to my new found fame from playing football across several states. Everyone was in-love with me. Girls would always ask me out, even guys too, but a part of me still felt empty and lonely. Exactly like how I did when I was a small child, terrified to death of what my dad was doing to my mom. It was so strange. The feeling of being alone but being surrounded by so many people is a contradiction in itself, so how do I feel like this? What is wrong with me?

My super-stardom carried on until my final year of high-school, which is in the present. I never thought I would make it this far, but surprisingly I have. Although, so much has changed in these last couple of years. I discovered that I had depression a year ago and still nothing has changed. Yet again, no one tried to help. No matter how popular I was, no one cared about what really mattered, like my mental health. So I did what everyone does when they're depressed, find an addiction to fall into. Unfortunately for me, that addiction was drugs. I did it every day, it was like free therapy. All my problems went away and I felt more relaxed than ever. I did all kinds of drugs; marijuana, LSD, cocaine and many more. It was my safe space. Until, one day my safe space put my reputation in danger...

As you know, I play football professionally. I go to tournaments and competitions for it. I travel all across America just to compete. With all that, comes being tested. More specifically, drug testing. It's to make sure you don't use performance enhancers to increase your stamina or impact how you play. You basically pee in a cup and they test it for drugs. Now that never used to be a problem for me, but now that I had become a "crackhead" it had turned into a big one. 

One of the most important tournaments of the season had finally arrived, after months of preparation. This was going to be the epitome of my career and an opening to amazing opportunities. Scouts were going to be there to see any potential new players for professional teams, so this was incredibly important for me to do well. Three weeks prior, we were told there wasn't going to be a drug test due to lack of staff or something along the lines of that. I was too high to know what was going on so I don't know exactly what was said, but I was so happy to hear I had a way to relax before the game, but I was soooo wrong.

On the day of the tournament, they started calling players one by one into a room, which I assumed was going to be a quick player check to see if everyone was feeling well as they normally did that on our team, but no. They had been doing surprise drug tests. I had smoked pot like 30 minutes ago and now they do this? Needless to say I was screwed. I was forced into the room and they made me do it. That was the day my life became miserable.

I was immediately kicked off the team, no questions asked. When I arrived home early, I was introduced by the lovely sound of my mom screaming at me. She knew my game would be done at least 2 hours later so she had her suspicions. I explained what happened, my eyes glued to the floor. She slapped me hard across the face and told me to pack my things and leave. With the feeling of shame washing over me, I went up to my room, threw my stuff in a duffle bag and left the place I have never been able to call my home. I asked my friend Adam if I could stay until I got myself together and he agreed with the sound of concern filling his voice. If only he knew how grateful I was.

I stayed at his house for 2 weeks then finally decided not to burden him anymore by returning home, with the hopes that my mom would let me back in. Long story short, she didn't. To her I was a disgrace, a failure. She never wanted me to step foot in that house ever again. So I respected her wishes and slept outside of the schools gates every day until one day I couldn't take it anymore.

I went to a friend's house, a girl called Kleo to be exact, to get high with her and talk about life which was honestly the best thing anyone has ever offered to do with me. I arrived at her house, with a bag full of weed. We got high together and ended up kissing late at night. It honestly felt amazing and ever since then I had been desperate to feel her soft lips against mine once again. Maybe it was the fact that I was high, but I felt myself developing feelings for her really quickly and soon enough she became the only thing I could think about. After a few weeks of flirting, kissing and other stuff I asked her to be my girlfriend in which she joyfully agreed to. Who knew I was going to regret this decision so much later on...

It had been months of us dating before I found myself getting into the most ridiculous arguments I've ever been apart of in my entire life. They were so predictable it was getting tiring until that one party on Lakewood Street.

It was a back to school house party where everyone would get wasted, high and blackout drunk. Definitely my kind of party. Anyways, me and Kleo arrived and had some drinks, causing us to get a bit tipsy. Later on in the night, me and Kleo sat on the porch drinking away when she looked at me and said, "Ry, I have something to tell you". That sentence made me sick to my stomach, but I told her to carry on. "This relationship isn't working out and to be honest with you, I was only with you because I was just using you for male validation so yeah, we're done" she said as she walked away. My heart shattered into a million pieces. I meant absolutely nothing to her. Every kiss we shared was just a kiss to her. Nothing more. I could not take this never ending pain anymore so I went upstairs, tears streaming down my face. I took out the pills I had brought with me, took a cup of beer and downed all the pills I had. I instantly felt dizzy, the room was spinning and I felt a horrible sensation run through my body. The pain I felt was like no other. This was worse pain than what I felt just a few moments ago. My life was ending and all I could think about is how she could do something like that to me. So many questions flooded my brain. I collapsed to the floor, feeling myself slipping away. This is it, this is the day I die, yet I still feel nothing but betrayal. How could you do this Kleo? I loved you...