Never ending Nightmare

Chapter 8: Bad core memories

Past is past... they say. But my past hasn't died yet. In fact, it was killing me till now. It's so confusing... I wanna die to end the pain, but I also wanna live to have a new life, somewhere I can live peacefully.

But sometimes you suddenly ask yourself, am I the problem...? Am I the cause? Where did it go wrong? When did it start?

You're a mess if you start to question yourself that. The stages are pretty confusing and it can get mixed up. But here's mine...

Twelve years ago; "HANA! GET BACK HERE!!" little Hana ran inside my room, sobbing and trembling in fear... but I was under my bed, hiding. I was as scared as her that I couldn't even try to speak or move. I just lied there under my bed, trembling as I watched her try to escape our abusive father.

"Kenji!! Enough! Leave her alone!!" Mother tried to pull him away but father pushed her against the wall, hard enough to knock her out.

Then, father started hitting Hana, beating her up and shouting, "When will you ever shut up?! You cry and complain! I'm fucking sick of it! You're just like your mother!"

Hana suddenly stopped crying and her head slowly fell to the side, facing me. I saw the teardrop streamed across her nose Bridge as she blankly stared at me. 

He walked out of my room and got out of the house, shutting the door loudly.

After ten seconds of silence, I came out of the darkness and approached Hana. I gently rocked her back and forth to wake her up. "Hana..." I muttered as I gazed at her bruised body...

I saw myself in her at that moment. For the very first time, we looked the same... bruised and bloody... quiet and still. In fact, she was a bubbly and caring child compared to me. I used to be quiet and timid all the time, even around her.

I felt like we were in a field of mine every time we went out so I stayed at the side to avoid it even though no one exploded. It has gotten difficult ever since Hana. We barely went to see the sun or even eat. I was starved for a week because my mother wouldn't even get out of her room. I thought everybody was gone... I thought I was the only one who was still existing as if I was special.

The thought of being alone never left my head until grandmother came to the rescue and talked to my mother. Soon then, I was put in middle school... where I endured head ringing and collapsing whenever those loud humans were scattered everywhere. No one talked to me like I wanted. No student has ever seen me eat a thing because I was always hiding from the sun and from the people just so I could fill my stomach peacefully. The teachers would either find me sitting under the hood of roofs or inside the school storages...

Some teachers thought I was weird but some of them pitied me so they gave me extra food or drinks to avoid any accidents. Then I went to high school... I wouldn't say it was bad since I met Minso. He took the broken pieces of me and fixed me, turned me into something more.

But... I never knew it was only temporary. "where are they...?" I asked myself as I was walking through the halls. When I was about to make a turn to the stairway, I saw Minso and Kimi so close to each other...

"you know she'd find out either way...! Why bother...?!"

"because you're her friend, Kimi. This was never a good idea..." She sighed and cupped his face, turning it back to her.

"We're not stopping this... right, MinMin...?" I hid behind the wall and started tearing up from shock.

"I'm the one who's giving you all that you need...! It's either Her or Me, choose."

"K-kimi... I've never done this before...! And she's really helpless! She's already hurt from the life she has! I don't wanna add up in that pain she's having!"

"you'll lose me, Minso. Love me or leave me, right now." I clenched my fist, wishing that he would choose me. "...Fine."

My heart exploded after hearing his answer. I wanted to scream but I just ended up crying and running away for the sake of my mental health. I couldn't take it. Even as I ran, I asked why. Why me? Why do I always have to suffer? I had him first but He chose her instead. Am I lacking so much love?! How much does it take for him to satisfy him?!

When I got home that evening, I skipped dinner and cried myself to sleep, wishing that I didn't hear such things. So the next day I went to school, I Ignored everybody. and when I say everybody, I mean everybody, teachers, students, cars, and even the guy who's supposedly the love of my life...

"Sumi! Sumi, wait!" Minso grabbed my wrist and turned me. "What's with you today? You look really pale and..."

"weak...?" He sighs and averts eye. "when was I not?" I asked sarcastically.

"...when you defended a little girl from her bullies?" He replied timidly. "did... something happen at home again?" I hesitantly shook my head.

"...nothing I can't handle." I pulled my hand back to me and turned my back at him as I tried not to let my tears out 'cause I can't fucking handle it at all.

And then day two, everyone finally had the conclusion that me and Minso broke up since I've been trying to avoid him and he keeps chasing me like a dog while Kimi tries to stop him. Not to mention, Kimi hasn't even tried to confront me despite being my best friend. I mean, she'd at least try to pretend even though she's trying to steal him for herself...

That day I went to the bathroom, I looked at my reflection in the mirror, crying and breathing heavily because of all the sadness building up inside my heart, making it harder to breathe.

Then... my eyebrows slowly furrowed as my madness started to mix itself with the sadness, slowly eating that pain while stirring a storm inside me. When my anger overpowered itself and took control over my body, I slammed my head against the mirror and looked again, at the shattered pieces of myself.

I didn't mind the pain. I didn't care. I just walked out of the bathroom with blood streaming down my face, not caring at their reaction. I was heading to the stairs until... Someone pushed me down the stairs and injured my knee. Minso rushed me to the infirmary room and got my leg fixed. I didn't thank him... In fact, I couldn't, I don't know if I should. I was so mad that I didn't even look him in the eye nor said a word to him. I sat there with a blank expression because I was still numb from what I heard.

"...Are you sure you're fine?" He quietly asked as he was kneeling in front of me, holding my leg gently.

I shook my head. "...Sumi, It's normal to cry, no one's gonna call you dramatic." He said worriedly.

At that moment, I finally look him in the eye and said,

"...I can't." he furrowed his brows from confusion. He wanted to help but he doesn't even know what I'm going through.

The following day; When Minso and I coincidentally got in class at the same time, we both saw the scribbles on my desk... He looks at Kimi coldly and goes to my table. He lifts it up and swaps it with his own table.

Then, He sits on his chair and smiles at me. I went to my desk and sat down calmly. I looked at Kimi and caught her glaring at me... huh, of course she did it.

But I'm surprised that Minso still has a special place for me in his heart, despite doing the most shittiest thing he could possibly do to me.

And just like what happened in my sleep... I wanted to kill everybody.