Dear Diary

12. TEACHER'S PET

T O R I

My heart breaks staring at Rome in his face right now. I've hurt him so badly and the pain I've caused is irreversible. He looks ready to slam the door on me. I won't blame him if he does.

I'm so stupid. Stupid enough to cheat. Stupid enough to do it with his father.

Stupid enough to have been caught by Sidney.

It's true what they say; you don't know what you have until it's gone. So in the end, standing here looking at the dejected face of a beautiful soul, it all amounted to nothing.

Rome was the best thing that ever happened to me, but I let irrational fears of not being good enough get in the way. I always compare myself to other girls. To someone like Samara, who's compassionate yet blunt. Someone like Kelly, who's kind and intelligent. Even someone like Sidney who, for all her faults, was gorgeous and bold. Growing up as a young girl in this world, you're constantly told what you should do. Who you should be. I can't be everything, I know that. But I want to be. I want to be everything that's good in a girl. Frankly, it's probably due to that unrealistic goal that I'm always second guessing my worth. When I feel like I'm falling short, I get upset and seek instant gratification, even to my own detriment. Yet, I had someone like Rome, who loved and stuck with me through all of that.

And I still couldn't see what I had.

I don't expect his forgiveness, and honestly that's not why I'm here. I simply need to explain how and why everything happened.

He steps aside so I can enter, then closes the door behind me. "I'm waiting."

I face him. "It started this summer when you and I were getting into those fights."

***

"Jerome, where are you?" I snapped through the phone.

"I'm sorry, Tori. I need time to myself," Rome said.

"Are you serious? Do you not understand the whole reason we've been fighting is because you never seem to have time for our relationship? I'm outside your house after you said we'd talk today, and you're not here!"

"I thought about it, and I think we need to spend some time apart. I don't wanna get into an argument every time we're together."

"I came to talk, not argue."

"We can do it another time."

I couldn't believe he was doing this. I couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth. He was acting like a child, running away so he didn't have to face our issues. Then he had the nerve to wonder why I was always so paranoid. It felt like he was being sneaky.

"Fine, Jerome, do whatever you want." I ended the call, infuriated. Why wouldn't he talk? That's what couples do when they have problems, but apparently that was too much to ask. It's the very reason we're in this mess to begin with.

Someone tapped on my window. I turned my head to the left, meeting Mr. Rhodes' eyes. He waved with a friendly smile.

I rolled the window down. "Hi, Mr. Rhodes."

"How you doin', Tori?" he said. "You okay? You seem upset."

"I'm fine, it's just . . . I was supposed to meet Rome, but he's avoiding me."

"That boy giving you problems?"

I didn't feel comfortable relaying my relationship issues to him, especially about his son. "I really should go."