Dear Diary

23. BLOOD TIES

B E N J A M I N

It doesn't really feel good to look at your son and see contempt in his eyes. Contempt for you, specifically. That's all I see looking at Rome right now. I'm sure a large part of that is because of my affair with Tori, and all right, I'll give him that. But as far as me and his mama? A man has needs. And Gina just wasn't meeting them.

I've never been truly happy with this marriage. Gina pushed for it after she got pregnant, and I thought "fuck it." Maybe if I showed people I was willing to commit they'd get the hell off my back. Especially her uptight ass family. And we'd been messing around with each other on and off since high school, so it was only fitting because I do have love for her. But marriage didn't help. In fact, I think it made the shit worse. Rome was a saving grace. I had a little me running around, a legacy to leave behind when I'm long gone. But he's soft. I love my son, and I understand it's a new day and age, but fuck me, he needs to toughen up and be a man. That's one thing I'm grateful my dad instilled into me before he passed, but Rome was more like his mama.

Now, I know I wasn't necessarily in the right for taking his little girlfriend, but clearly he wasn't that into her if she felt the need to bring her sweet ass my way. It was exciting too, because she'd been my student before. I can't lie and say I didn't like the attention those high school girls gave me. Hell, it was more than what Gina was doing. So, really, how can you blame me? Yes, I slipped up, but it isn't all my fault.

"I'm waiting," Rome says. First time I ever see this boy show some real brass and it's against me. It almost makes me proud.

Better late than never, I suppose.

***

"I can't have a baby, Ben!" Diana shouted at me. She shot up from her spot on the couch, tears streaming down her face. When she summoned me to her apartment over what she said was an emergency, I wasn't sure what to expect.

Least of all her showing me a positive pregnancy test.

"Well, what do you want to do?" I asked. This was her fault.. How the hell could she had been so careless as to not make sure her birth control was effective? Did she do this on purpose to trap me? Gina already didn't trust me like that, and I didn't want to deal with this bullshit because this bitch, Diana, was desperate. "You could get rid of it."

She looked at me as if I was out of my mind and it pissed me off.

"I don't feel right about that," she said. "I just don't."

"You don't get to play the saint now! What's done is done, woman. We can't let this get out."

"Don't impose your selfish wishes on me! Don't forget, I can go to your pregnant fiance. I can go to her right now and explain how her man is having another baby with a different woman."

I clenched my fists, ready to shout at her, but then forced myself to take on a cool demeanor. Women like this were easy, after all. All I had to do was appeal to her emotions. Then maybe I could convince her that she shouldn't see this through. Or, maybe, present the next best option.

"I'm sorry," I said. "You're not wrong to feel scared."

Her eyes softened and she plopped onto the couch. I walked over to join her and put an arm around her.

"What now?" she asked.

"If you don't want to terminate the pregnancy . . ." She shook her head and I sighed, "then maybe adoption is the way."