Celestria Chronicles

A BRIEF HISTORY OF EROS-FISH (AN ARTICLE)

By Valtimor Hogsfash

 

It may seem strange to many Celestrians upon reflection, for they undoubtedly don't think about it, to know that nobody precisely knows where a certain species of fish that inhabit the Celestrian Thames came from. The Eros-Fish, so named for their body's likeness to a love heart, seem to have been there just as long as the river has, and therefore, as long as Celestria has. Although one of the most famous swimming beings in The Empire Of Humanity, it is surprising to note how little we actually know about these creatures.

The most comprehensive research undertaken was almost certainly by a Nungassir by the name of Goggoloth, who published most of his research in a fascinating text called Celestria's Swimming Strangers – The Eros-Fish. In it, he states that the first report of the sighting of an Eros-Fish was after the first death in the Tsunamystery section of the river of 4887. A man working on a drain there was struck by the planet's lightning and killed. When the body was recovered, there was a cloud of heart-shaped things all around it, swimming happily in a school all to themselves. They were later reported all along the river throughout the planet, and were adopted as a mysterious but welcome inhabitant almost by default of the fact that they were so numerous that getting rid of them would be almost impossible.

The fish themselves are relatively small, about the size perhaps, of a human fist. If a love heart is taking as a starting place, the point would be the tail, with the two rounded sections being home to three eyes each. Two fins protrude from the sloping sides of the rounded section of the heart, perpendicular to the tail, and it swims by undulating its tail up and down to propel itself through the river.

Although a planet-wide delicacy when prepared by the most skilful of chefs, Eros-fish was not eaten until 4894, when a Torkaxion named Jundsdawer plucked one from the river and placed it on an open fire. The fish seemed to slip into a peaceful slumber, from which it of course never awoke. The taste, as Ori Noromoronorono transcribed at the time, was 'the most delicious thing in the world, after Excenika's buttocks, of course'. Although many people may have differing ideas on Excenika's rear end, it is safe to assume that Jundsdawer thought it a very good snack indeed. And so it caught on. Before the year was up, almost every top eatery in the first ten regions of Celestria were serving a variation of Eros-Fish. So popular was it, that there are certain sections of the Thames in Region 53 all the way to 65, that have a ban on fishing Eros-Fish, so that there will always be a population should overfishing endanger their numbers. There is also an argument that since they magically appeared the first time, they could surely do it again if their numbers decrease, but this has yet to make much of a difference in Celestrian Parliament.

The Eros-Fish's natural predator is the Burquas, the bull fish with teeth as sharp as a Kozolequinian army drill instructor's tongue. It seems that they have a certain protein in them that the Burquas relishes, and numbers of Burquas have been noted by scientists to have increased since the rise of the Eros-Fish and their arrival in Celestria. Eros-Fish themselves seem to eat any scraps that fall into the water, be it food, packaging, or raw flesh. In this way they can be seen to be scavengers, eating anything left unattended and drifting in the currents of Celestria's river. It ruin's the whole romantic notion of the heart, but they have to eat something, I guess.

Finally, here is one of the most interesting stories I believe I have come across regarding these strange fish. One night, a certain Miss Grennings was crossing a bridge in Region 47, when she noticed a large school of Eros-Fish near the surface of one of the river's tributaries. She stopped to try and see what it was that they were doing so near the surface, as it has been well noticed that they tend to live far down in the depths. As they milled around, they briefly parted, they revealed a human head, being gnawed away by their small teeth. Miss Grennings was disgusted, and claims that she nearly lost her lunch. She walked home in a daze, and when she got into her apartment, she found her boyfriend there, about to eat some Eros-Fish that he had been sold, special offer. Miss Grennings instantly tore it away from him, claiming that it was spoiled and poisoned. When they checked the food, it turns out that the man who had sold her partner the fish was a member of a rival company he worked for, and had been told to try and eliminate the soon-to-be-Mr-Grennings in the most sly and cunning way possible. Whether those Eros-Fish in the tributary give Miss Grennings a strange intuition remains to be seen, but these mysterious creatures surely hold more mysteries than they have given up.