Chapter Twenty-two

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The kiss started out delicate, his lips softly pressed up against mine and our hands still connected in between us but then the tempo changed. He released my hand and cupped the sides of my face. His hand slowly glided down to the nape of my neck, angling my face upwards and deepening the kiss. His tongue danced across my lips and invaded my mouth, and the temperature of my body climbed the scale.

My hands found the thick cotton material of his turtleneck and I gripped it as the swirl sensations drove me over the edge. My hand swept up to his neck and held unto him like an anchor. I shouldn't be doing this. I drew in a heavy breath that only pulled his cologne deep into my lungs and almost sent that thought floating away. No, this would change the dynamic of things. Is that what you want?

Fear diffused from my mind and spread through my chest. I placed a firm hand on his chest and pushed back as I tore away from his mouth. His eyes fluttered open, covered in worry as he searched my face.

I placed my finger over my lips as I panted for air. "I... I'm sorry. I shouldn't – we shouldn't have"

"What?" His eyes narrowed at me and his brow shot up a micrometre as he caught his breath.

I lowered my eyes to my bag, on the floor of my seat. I should go. I lifted my eyes back to his curious gaze. "I'm sorry," I reached out to grab my bag and hightail out of the car in one swift move but Nicholas grabbed onto my forearm.

"Why are you sorry? I don't understand," he shook his head, his expression wounded and confused.

I moistened my lips and it felt like he was still on them. I swallowed hard as I averted my eyes away from his gaze. "I can't... I just, I can't"

"Why can't you?" he placed a finger underneath my chin and brought my gaze back to his soft grey orbs. "I have deep feelings for you and I'm sure you know it. And I know you have some feelings for me if that kiss was any indication . . . I just don't get why you keep fighting it. Why are you fighting back your feelings?"

I opened my mouth to respond but couldn't get words out. Did I really have feelings for him? And if that was true, why was I fighting against it? I clamped my lips shut and retried but still no reasonable explanation came forth. All I could say was, "I... I need to go, please"

I needed to gather my thoughts because at the moment they were floating about in my head. I needed to be in a clear space, a space void of his presence. I grabbed my bag and moved to push the door open but yet again, he held unto my upper arm.

"Hold on," He ran a hand across his face and released a deep sigh. "You probably have some reservations about me –" he moved a finger in the space between us. "–about us. But when you go up there to think, just know that I would never do anything with the purpose of hurting you. I may not be perfect but I truly, truly care for you"

I wasn't sure if he was saying this to make his case, or for some other reason entirely but I nodded and whispered. "Okay,"

Then he finally released his hold on my arm and I walked out of the car with as much as a backward glance.

For the entirety of the day, I spent it internally moping around the place. I had to put on a cool façade in front of my mother and Whitney. But on the inside, I couldn't stop thinking about the kiss and thoughts about the kiss, without fail led me back to questions I couldn't answer clearly. It was a draining yet repetitive cycle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stood in front of my parent's bedroom, my hand raised to knock but yet I couldn't bring myself to do it. I know I shouldn't even be considering this. I already knew the outcome, I knew the answer I would receive and yet, I was still willing to try.

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