In Loving Memory of My Brother

Behind the Pain | The One-Year Anniversary

August 18th, 2022

Today marks the first anniversary of when my life changed for the better and the worse. One year ago, on August 18th, 2021, my family received a devastating call that my older brother had tragically passed away. It's hard to believe that a whole year has passed. However, that does not mean the scar remains. The piece of my heart that broke off when my brother died—like arms and legs—will never grow back.

For the first half of the Fall 2021 semester, I refused to attend class because grief boiled me alive. I spent every day lying in bed, where thoughts of my older brother rushed through my head. I nearly failed the first half of the 2021 semester. Not only that, but I lost my motivation as a writer. I never wanted to write again because I believed it was what killed my older brother.

My parents set me up with a grief counselor and academic coach to help me through the second half of the Fall 2021 semester. It was clear that I was struggling and needed help. As someone who already struggled with anxiety, the loss did not help it. My anxiety only grew worse... to the point I had panic attacks every two weeks until January 2022. Some of them were so intense that I could not breathe. They were some of the scariest things I ever experienced in my life.

I entered my book, The Green Guardian, into The Wattys last year on Wattpad but left with nothing. That left me to believe that I failed my older brother in getting his message across to the world and becoming the author he wanted me to be. The panic attacks returned. I left class early and spent fifteen minutes crying in the bathroom when I found out I didn't make the shortlist. That was all I wanted.

"I'm sorry, Matthew," I repeatedly told myself as waves of grief swamped me. I felt like a complete, utter failure. Nevertheless, I gave it a few weeks until I recovered a little more from the loss and then told myself, "Ah, whatever. One day, people will appreciate Matthew's story." To this day, I'm still waiting, but I know it will happen eventually. I know I'm not the only one who has lost somebody so tragically and unexpectedly. I know someone in the world can relate to my story.

I barely passed the Fall 2021 semester, ending with two Cs and two Bs after dropping one of my classes. I had to work for those grades.

I also barely avoided an Incomplete for my African American Literature class. The week after school finished, I worked to the bone to turn in my work. There was a moment when I got so stressed out that I almost took my own life. I could not handle the grief, my lies, and my workload anymore. Regardless, I proved to my teachers that I was a "war hero". My English professor called me one that semester.

Things became easier when my family vacationed in Mt. Tremblant in Canada for Christmas last year. We skied to our heart's content, which was just what we needed to relieve some of the pain. I returned from that trip a new person—a person who was confident she could start her life over. I changed my Major to English and was put into a Capstone writing class for the Spring 2022 semester. After six months, I started writing again. I forgot how much I loved it.

I became Viktoria Fyodorova during the Spring semester of 2022. I finally grew up and put my mind to finishing school to the best of my ability. My newborn spirit gave me two As and one B in the Spring semester of 2022, an enormous improvement from the Fall semester. It's incredible how one trip to a ski resort completely changed my mental status, allowing me to bounce back like never before.

In six months since February, I've finally become the writer my older brother wanted me to be. I finished a whole new book, Wait! I Wrote That?, and won the Wattpad Amby Awards with my short story, Messummer. I plan to rewrite the Claxton stories to prepare them for publication in the next few years. I'm trying my hand at becoming a Wattpad Outreach Ambassador and have become a judge and reviewer for several communities. I'm even hosting my very first awards show on Wattpad.

What's happened in the past six months is similar to how I became a writer in the first place. Something clicked one day, and I now know what I want to do with my life. I may never know how it happened, which is one of life's anomalies, but I'm so happy to announce that after two difficult years, I'm graduating with a degree in Creative Writing in December 2022!

That shows that patience means everything when recovering from loss and figuring out the impact you want to leave on the world. I get these traits from my older brother. While he's not here anymore physically, he is here spiritually. I know he will look after me in the future while I slowly but surely find my place in society.

"Grief comes in waves", yes, but once you push past the line, you'll enter a new world to call your own. It's a world where your loved one's memory will guide you for the rest of your days. I'm not Viktoria Fyodorova because of Matthew. I'm Viktoria Fyodorova because I'm me, and I'm growing as a writer. I've come of age, and I'm excited to see what Matthew and I accomplish in the future!