𝗂𝗇𝗌𝗈𝗆𝗇𝗂𝖺 [ 범규 ]

08

[ pain ]

I woke up late than usual- with no nightmares.

it had been months since I haven't had a nightmare.

I felt so ..

relieved.

I turned next to me to see the book but no beomgyu.

maybe he went back to his room after I fell asleep..

I looked over at the clock next to my bed.

It was 12 pm

I looked over at the thing next to my clock.

it was the flower that beomgyu had given me.

I grabbed it as I smiled down at the flower.

despite feeling so happy, a few tears managed to escape my eyes.

I couldn't tell if they were good tears or not.

[ 8 pm ]

the day went on just a usual, nothing new nothing different.

I sat on my bed writing in my journal how I was feeling instead of a dream because I didn't have a dream that morning.

I looked over at the window and looked at the city lights.

after last night, I don't see the city the same way as I used to before.

all I could do was think of beomgyu..

he did tell me he'd be withdrawn from the hospital

but apart of me hoped that he was still in the hospital.

and I didn't know if that's selfish of me or not..

but beomgyu had told me he didn't want to leave me.

so maybe it's not bad that I wish he were still here

right?

[ 1 am ]

it was 1 am, despite sleeping somewhat well earlier today, I just wasn't able to fall asleep.

all I could do was wonder about beomgyu and if he were still in the hospital

I could slowly feel my happiness fading away from wondering if he were still here or not.

[ 2 am ]

it was 2 am, beomgyu usually comes to my room at this time, but from what happened yesterday maybe he'll be late again..

or he's waiting for the nurses to leave so he can sneak out again..?

but what if he was caught because of me..

I waited in bed regardless.

[4 am ]

2 hours had passed and beomgyu still hadn't shown up.

looking at the city didn't give me the same comfort as it did before.

I needed to see him again..

where could he be?

[ 4:50 am ]

it's already going to be 5 and beomgyu never showed up.

I had officially lost hope at this point

he wasn't going to come.

I should've expected this.

but I guess apart of me hoped that I'd be able to see him again..

I began to regret falling asleep when beomgyu read that book

why would I fall asleep with my last time being with him

I hate myself.

I regret falling asleep now.

I shouldn't have fallen asleep.

I sighed as I laid down in my bed as I clutched the sheets as tears rolled down my face.

out of all the pain I have gone through, I had never felt pain such as this.

my heart ached, my head was throbbing and my pillow was wet from tears. 

i think this is what they call heartbreak