𝐁𝐄𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐈𝐅𝐔𝐋 𝐀𝐃𝐃𝐈𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍|𝟏𝟖+

34|| It's all an illusion.

T A L I A

half of chapter one is being repeated.
as basically a memory.

And that's exactly what I did.

I stared at the stars, until my eyes shut and all I could see was nothing but darkness.

I sat here on the roof top of my building, sitting on the ledge, as my eyes went from looking down at the busy street, back to the stars.

I pressed the replay button on my phone as I listened to, 'listen before I go,' by Billie ellish. I often sat here, replaying that very same song over and over again.

I felt like I could relate to this song, I felt it was apart of me, inside of me.

And I didn't want it out.

My favorite line from the songs was, 'Tell me, love is endless, don't be so pretentious,'

It felt like every time I came to this rooftop, I stopped breathing, just like in the song. It's all wanted since... since forever.

but it's like every time something stops me from doing what I really want to do.

A sign of hope.

The stars.

I look back at the stars and think to myself, what if I'm hurting one of those very stars, what if they're watching me do this, and their the ones telling me over and over again;

don't.

don't do it.

Love yourself.

Be patient.

There's hope.

There that voice in my head that tells me every time I come on this fucking rooftop, they're telling me get hold of yourself, your better than this, your beautiful and your loved.

I sometimes wish I could runaway, but I knew I couldn't, my heart wouldn't let me, even if the stars- or the voices told me too.

I couldn't.

It was hard.

I loved him too much, even after all the shit he put me through - all the tears, the headaches, the bruises, I still loved him.

Sometimes I wished we never learn to fight, but hey, it wouldn't be us if we didn't.

Those very voices ask me this question every time I come on this roof top. "If there was five more minutes of air would you panic and hide, or would just simply stand there, and do absolutely nothing,"

And my answer to that question was always the same every time I came up here; I would stand there and do absolutely nothing.

All the love, and the lies came with bruises, tears and heartbreak and each time that happened, I was manipulated into thinking that I was the problem.