The Hidden Toxin ✔(#6 in the Our Side of The Dice Series)

Chapter 44: Love Linguistics

Ebun had left Sean’s house after their big fight and returned to her base, Khovrino Hospital. One would judge her for going back to a domain where murdering people was the order of the day, but she had nowhere else to stay. She wasn’t attending to any of the patients – irrespective of whether or not they were criminals.

She just slept and woke up in her office every day. It was the perfect opportunity for her to ask Nurse Zoya to say what she’d meant to say the other time, but she wasn’t in the mood for conversation. Ebun felt like she would snap or yell at anyone if she interacted with them for more than five seconds. 

Lately, all of her discussions with people had fueled nothing but rage within her. The best thing for her at the moment would have been to go home – away from the country and the bad air it emitted, distant from any chat that had to do with her resolve towards vengeance and the dwindling unpredictable pendulum which was the current state of her love life. However, the Russian-Ukrainian war had gotten worse. Russian troops multiplied daily, invading villages, towns, and even airports in the country. 

So she remained in her office, locked away from everyone else. She had to think because there were many things to ponder on that could not be avoided. She had to make decisions. There was no shying away from them. 

Thus, Ebun wondered, was this how everything she’d shared with Sean would end? Was her stubbornness and rigidity worth that kind of loss? Over the years, Sean had been the kind of person who did everything in his power to gain her trust and affection. Actually, he didn’t have to do too much.

It started right from the time they met at the boxing ring when she was eighteen years old, and he’d asked her to follow him to Russia. He’d spent the subsequent days coming to the boxing ring, competing with her in more ferocious matches, and instigating random conversations. 

That was why she remained with him and allowed him to supervise her when they weren’t really getting along in Russia. Perhaps it was also because she’d always been attracted to him and felt a great sense of gratitude for him. But the more time passed, they blossomed.

Both of them grew to become better versions of themselves, and their understanding made their growth something worthy of cherishing. Because of Sean, Ebun believed she could do anything she’d set her mind to doing. As a result of his efforts to take her away from Hostel Pavlov, he’s used his connection to provide a bigger turf for her. All she had to do was complete her education. 

Although she loathed school, she didn’t mind going through it because of the bigger plan he had in stock for her, and that ‘bigger’ thing was Khovrino Hospital. Sean gave her big dreams. All she had was a tiny seed, but he took her by the hand and helped her build a big garden. He gave her more.

All she’d dreamt of was to kill, but he taught her how to murder with grace, confidence, authority, and even with a group of bad-asses and like-minded people. If it weren’t for him, she wouldn’t have her territory; her league of professional killers. She wouldn’t have Khovrino Hospital. She couldn’t just let him go like that. 

However, what was on the other side of the pendulum for her was guilt, and that was just as heavy as the weight of her love for Sean. The channels of her shame bled into her affection for him. Genuinely, she didn’t want to continue with her vengeance mission and wished that he too, would stop.

She was hurting so much that she didn’t want the person she loved to have even a slice of that kind of pain. And if that involved her leaving him so she wouldn’t watch him suffer, that was an exhibition of her love for him. Sometimes, love was also about letting go. Ebun knew this very well. 

Still, she felt like she wasn’t doing the right thing. 

There had to be something she could do, a compromise she could make. She didn’t have to be so objective, right? Life was not always about this or that. There were gray areas. She could try to look for a way that would demand something from both of them but still leave them content in the end. She had to try. Even if it involved being a hypocrite, it was alright. It was OK to be one sometimes.