i wouldn't recommend this

summer of 22

time has told much. some people treat me like shit behind my back and pretend i won't find out, that's cool and i can deal with that. some people ignore me for months on end, i can deal with that. one girl has ignored me for over a year and it's starting to get past me trying to get over it. it's gonna happen one day, but i'll run into her. my luck always gets me that far. it might be today or tomorrow or before next year. it will happen and i will not be okay when it does. i don't think she'll ever know; i doubt i occupy any space in her mind, while she continues to live rent free in my head. they all do. i can't forget.

AHHH THERE IS ONLY A FEW HOURS OF A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THIS SECTION OF WRITING AND THAT LAST ONE AND NEW INFORMATION HAS COME TO LIGHT. it would seem she has someone else.

way past summer time here,, just wanted to get this out but happy birthday E

well let's see, it's clearly not the summer of 22 anymore, in fact it's almost winter of 22. i am writing this just to keep up with the story line. you can't get depressed because of a girl if there is no girl right? anyways,, kiki your name is here now. feel better i guess. okay let's see. since my last chapter, i graduated high school, started college (alr finished two semesters) got fired from my job( okay i was let go, still hurts the same), and my birthday just passed. those would be the big milestones i suppose. nitty gritty shi here.
in july- i went to busch gardens with hunter. he's a chill dude, (questionable past from what i hear 😜😉) ,

summer of 22? ew.. it's summer of 23. it sucks 🙃.

before summer i was in a theme parks class with hunter and this girl i liked (i only truly noticed her when the class was close to ending) i've been working for a big company since february and my coworkers are starting to now accept me into the family of the back room. i'm in group chats, playing overwatch with them, even been to the movies and weird trips with them (lunch break trips). work has been super stressful these past few days since back to school has started. it really sucks but the good news is that i have some nice upcoming events. i tried making some moves on the girl from the theme parks class but just like every other girl, i was rejected. he told me not to, but i needed to know. so i did it anyways. sorry. and the whole reason i'm writing tonight of all nights is that i fell into a trap. i knew it was a trap but i fell anyways. i only scratched the surface before she caved in and revealed the trap. then she left. i don't blame her tho. tonight is the one night a month where i'm fully exposed, the one night where i'm flushed with depression and anxiety. and as usual .. there's no one around and it's just me and my book. does anyone read this? i doubt it. what the heck do i do now? telling her only made things weird and i'm guessing i'm over thinking it again. i can't sleep. there isn't anyone who would truly understand. i want someone i could just sit and talk to for hours about all my problems. i feel a guy would be the best thing but it would have to be some heck of a guy to let my guard down around. i have madi but she's been busy with her summer job. forget all that, is it too much to ask for to get someone to hug me? show me any affection at all? the anxiety is creeping back in. talking to myself is causing me to overtime my own internal problems. i need to stop feeling these things. i need to fix these emotions. i can't keep doing the same thing over and over again. it's getting sad. i can't get a girl to become interested in me, i can't please ny family, i don't have friends to hangout with. i can't even get a meaningful freaking hug. i'm closing my eyes and hopefully tomorrow is a better day. no one should have my pains, not even me.
(last updated july '23, published summer '24)