i wouldn't recommend this

falling 24

again with the recurring writing after coffee tuesday, hey i can't help that coffee gets the juices going. apologies i guess, k i stepped outta line, ive distanced myself and you're going through this rough time and im sorry. i dont know how to come back to check on you. m, i lean on you too much, you've been there since quarantine so it's hard to let you go. t, i know you haven't read this but still, i gotta respect the boundaries you've set , or he set,, im not sure which im following but i am. beanbag, it's been almost 2 years since we last spoke, i was looking through old photos and i found some of you, i wanted to delete them, but i couldn't bring myself to, im sorry and im sorry you'll never be able to hear me say sorry. SI, man you're a tough one. you said i caused you too much trauma, but all i ever did was support you on all your endeavors. i'm sorry that i made you feel this way and i hope our paths never cross so i never cause you pain again. hehe it feels like im writing the fuckinh may letters up in here. nah may letters don't deserve to be written anymore, all the people who've received one left me for dead. what else can i write about here. oh yeah, im at a much larger school now. my social awkwardness has caught up to me, i wake up, go to class (if i even bother showing up), leave class, then go straight home. i dont do anything on campus. it scares me. what scared me recently was how i was talking to my cousin and he recommended saying fuck it and throwing myself out there, and i did. with her. the girl with no name. i never thought id do it. she's been such a mystery to me for so long and it just sorta happened all at once. don't fuck this up man, it'll be worse than any other time, if you do, there's no telling what'll happen between the people we know.

lord what the flippity fuck is going on in that brain of his. look at him, he's writing his thoughts like he's excited by something. why does he do that? it's all for nothing. you will never be anything useful any time soon. why bother. i'm being too much again. why can't i learn my lesson, grow and move on. what makes me truly believe i would/could ever have a chance. nothing. it's blind faith. every internal gut feeling is telling me i shouldn't try. but why do i feel like i should. or maybe i like the attention. all i know is what i hope to get out of it. the most absurd demolishment of my soul. i've been craving it since shortly after exploring campus. could my campus adventure have been foreshadowing something deep within me? or was it my ability to push everyone away from me as quickly as possible?

another lovely coffee tuesday and i guess now i gotta start looking over the book again, reread all the chapters just to make sure im safe. im thinkin of bringing in the tough gun, another person into the life of the book. it's not easy for me to share it ,,, well i mean i coild fhjfjh

this is the funniest part to me, rereading everything i wrote while falling sleep. hmm lemme try finishing the line there: well i mean i could edit some things in or out to make it easier? who cares if she sees something, right? these are just my thoughts. i don't have to explain them, but i could if i wanted too. (where am i going with this)

new section, not sure if ive mentioned this, i got thanksgiving week off from work so thats cool, but what i would've preferred is to go to new york to watch my sister in the macys parade. dude why is new york hotels so damn expensive, maybe it's just holiday seasons but still, it's 100/night for a bed in a shared room. ughh being an adult sucks. choices.

why do i do what i do? to be me or not to be me, that is the question i face every couple months. something has to change. i keep falling for the same traps. replaying same thoughts. i'll never be enough and that im too much all at the same time. i go overboard too much. too attached, too emotional, too loose with the reigns of my emotions that i let other people control. side note: i just saw my room go from orange to cool blue in like 3 seconds. anyways, i want to know when i find that right person. because this trooper ain't got much pep left in his step. i started to give up when i started college. only attempting to find one new person at a time, not a million. by diverting my spread attention into a single point, i can lose them faster. bro what. brain stop. that's not what i'm supposed to be doing here. to my own author, imma need some more rom than com around this point in the story. or maybe we can finish the character development arc? this chapter of my life is getting boring.

the nameless one, i can't read her. i know so much but does everyone else also know that? why must these thoughts haunt me so late at night. it's almost 4am and i can't sleep thinking about how im gonna mess this up. or if there's anything to mess up. the pounding in my head has been driving me mad. how do i continue? i don't want to let her control my emotions but i went to a fun halloween event and i couldn't enjoy myself. my friend, he tries to keep me optimistic but his reasons are unrealistic. either it's her toying with my heart or im depressed. i've seen both sides of the coin so im not sure if i can call it either. how do i reveal something and nothing at all.

geez bro, relax. i know it sucks but cmon get a grip. you don't want her to be the catalyst. not yet. she can push and pull those strings of yours but she can't break them if you don't show her. i know your natural instinct is to reveal and then immediately conceal, but in order to survive, you gotta play the long game. match her mindset. go for the tie, not the win or loss. repeat after me, she might be the catalyst.

this is the mess i come back to? who needs split personalities when you write conflicting self problems😭. how do i fix you two. or do i even try at all? i think ill leave it for you future jeremy.
just.. try not to ruin anything please?

funny it's only been two days since that last entry and now she might actually read this. now my big question is how much do i erase? or do i turn everything into a code again? that's a good one bro ngl. i like hiding behind stupid code walls. :

lq d zruog zkhuh zh ilqdoob wdon, l pdnh wkh plvwdnh ri idoolqj iru brx. judqwhg lw'v d plvwdnh l whqg wr pdnh riwhq wkr. Vnb, l zrqghu zkdw'v jrlqj rq lq wkdw khdg ri brxuv ehklqg brxu phvphulclqj vxqiorzhu hbhv l frxog vwduh lqwr iru krxuv. lw'v xvxdoob qhyhu zruwk wkh ulvn, exw pdbeh lw'v iru wkh sorw. pb oruh, pb wudxpd. lw'v rqob ehhq d frxsoh zhhnv vlqfh zh vwduwhg wdonlqj exw zkhq brx'uh qrw dfwlyh, l ihho hpswb lqvlgh. l hqmrb rxu wdonv, dv srlqwohvv dv wkhb duh. l olnh brx dqg l zdqw wr vhh zkhuh wklv jrhv ehiruh l whoo brx. ru li l whoo brx dw doo. l zdqw wr nhhs kdqjlqj rxw ehfdxvh lw'v gliihuhqw. lw ihhov jrrg dqg lw pdnhv ph ihho qrw hpswb lqvlgh. wklv lv ghilqlwhob d gliihuhqw dssurdfk wr krz l xvxdoob gr wklqjv. exw zkdw lp vfduhg ri wkh prvw lv brxu delolwb wr wdon. brx wdon wr vr pdqb shrsoh dqg l grqw zdqw wr eh wkh qhzhvw wrslf. wklv lv zkdw vxfnv derxw ehlqj dw zdopduw. rqh shuvrq nqrzv, wkhb doo nqrz. l grqw zdqw wr ohdyh rxw ri hpeduudvvphqw ru vkdph, exw li lw frphv wr wkdw, wkdq l jxhvv l zloo. l uhdoob gr krsh zh fdq ehfrph pruh wkdq iulhqgv rqh gdb. brx'uh mxvw wlfnlqj pruh erahv rii iru ph hyhub gdb zkhq l ohduq vrphwklqj qhz derxw brx. exw lp vfduhg.

aight lil bro i (hopefully) fixed it, quit your yapping. time to go back to waiting for a response (what am i doing with my life rn, //REDACTED// 😫😫)

screw it im posting now