Secrets

Chapter Thirty Two - Rated R

Devan

I follow her out of the lobby and into the street. She stops so abruptly that I walk into the back of her. Before I can even apologise she spins around and pushes me hard, making me stumble backwards while I desperately regain my footing. She caught me off guard but, jeez she's got some strength.

"This is all your fault, Devan. You know that?" 

"What's my fault?" The anger in my voice dissipates when I notice the tears forming in her eyes.

"This wasn't meant to happen! This was never the plan!" She's shouting and getting louder by the second but that's not what concerns me. It's that she's shaking. Is it the cold? Or is she really that angry?

"What was the plan Anya?" I take a step towards her but she steps backwards, putting her hand up to stop me.

"To leave. To get away from it all. My family, my life, all of it. To just go away and start again. A fresh start with no ties to my old life. But you! You came in and screwed it all up!"

I try to keep calm while she screams at me, but it's not anger that consumes me, it's the realisation of how close I actually came to losing her.

"Why would you want to do that?" 

"Because it HURTS!" She screams at me and the tears start to fall. I've never seen her act anything even close to this and it scares me. "It hurts Devan, don't you see?"

I don't get what hurts. Is it me? Am I hurting her? She continues before I have to ask the question.

"I know that you all think I'm tough and I can fight anything anyone throws at me, but I can't. The past five years have been a constant battle of pain, fear and self pity. There, I said it - self pity. How pathetic is that, huh Devan? I actually feel sorry for myself. What kind of person does that?"

I don't know if it's a rhetorical question so I'm a little scared to answer her.

"I feel sorry for myself because no matter how hard I work, how hard I study or how hard I fight for those around me to accept and love me, I will never be good enough. Do you have any idea how that feels?" She scoffs to herself, "Of course you don't. You were born with a silver spoon in your mouth to a family who love you unconditionally and would do anything for you."

If anyone else said these things to me I would go crazy, but she's right. I've had a fantastic life without any real problems, unlike Anya.

"And it hurts, Devan. It causes me actual pain to know that I will never be good enough, no matter how hard I try." I've heard enough.

"You are good enough, Anya." I move forward, ignoring her protests and grab her arms, pulling her towards me, "You are so very good and I don't know what to do to make you see that."

She dismisses it quickly and steps back, away from me. I try not to let myself get hurt by the action but it's getting increasingly difficult. Her voice is softer when she continues.

"You don't get it, Devan. Everything I've done was never enough. I wasn't Alandra's, yet she took me on because she loved her husband, not me. Her sister, my mother, disappeared because she didn't want me. My father hated me all along because I nearly, and then eventually did, break up his marriage. In school I was never Anya, I was always Cameron's sister. I didn't have my own friends, Devan, I shared his. And then, when he left, everyone kept me around but I saw it in their eyes. They didn't want me because I wasn't Cammie."

"When I met Jason everything changed. For once someone told me I was good at something and I was flattered. I went home that day and I told dad about it, and about how Jase wanted me to meet Ian and play some of my music. And you know what he did? He laughed. He actually laughed at me."