No one ever told me that love would hurt so much

Chapter 36

♾ Jughead ♾

I got out again shortly before Christmas. Already before, they were discussing things and trying to figure out where to get me next, since I couldn't stay at clinics forever. Going to therapy would mean long-term though, it meant working on myself — which my passive-aggressive self would probably not take well but what aren't we doing for family?

Anyways, being away from Betty and the twins for so long made my temper short and myself maybe a bit touch starved. I wasn't in the mood for Christmas — not that I was ever. More or less I blocked everything out though, or at least tried to.

Betty and I weren't doing much for Christmas Eve. The day after, we went to visit Betty's mom — even more emotional exhaustion. By the end of the day, I was just exhausted and constantly reaching for Betty, her hand, her thigh, the sleeve of her jacket.

Just anything.

Quite similar, it looked on the 26th of December, when we went to the Southside to visit my dad. It was just simple dinner, some presents for the twins and us — nothing special.

"I'll be right back" Betty said, getting up and making her way over to the bathroom. I exhaled anxiously, leaning back on the couch.

"Are you okay?" Dad asked. I nodded.

"You're quite more nervous then usually" He added.

"It's just- the time being away from them, while I was at the clinic again. I-" I exhaled, dropping the topic.

"I relapsed, dad" I blurted out. He stopped playing with Emilia to look at me.

"What? When?"

"At the wedding. It started with one champagne glass, and then I drank more. And then I drank a lot... for three days, I guess. I kind of told Betty that I stayed at Archie's, I think. I don't know what I told her, to be honest. I felt like a failure" I sighed. I didn't even know if he knew about it at all.

"Jug, I..."

"It's good, don't worry. I just... I wanted to... I understand what you went through now, I guess, to some extent. I'm... If you're giving me a bit more time, then I can forgive you. I haven't given up on you, I never did, and I... I hope that you feel the same, that you haven't given up on me either"

"I would never, Jug. You never gave up on me, so I will do the same for you"

"Yes?"

"Yes. Next time, you can come to me, okay? Should you drink again, you can come to me, and I can help you"

"I don't know if that would be a good idea. I can become really... uneasy when... you know..."

"I'm your father, Jug, if you want then you can come to me. You don't have to but I will help you, should you ask. Besides, you were there for me too. I'm just returning the favor"

"Thanks... I'll... think about it"

"You haven't eaten much dinner either. How is..." Dad swallowed. We haven't really had that long of a conversation in a long time "How is that... eating thing...?"

"'ve been better... barely got down anything ever since I'm out of the hospital to be honest..."

"How... I mean, it isn't supposed to be rude but... uhm why exactly did your... uhm..." He swallowed, not meeting my eyes. Why are people so sensitive with this? I don't care if we talk about it. Okay, maybe because over-sharing was a trauma response of mine. Whatever.

"Why I have an eating disorder, you mean?" I asked, trying to help him out, and he nodded. I shrugged.

"I don't know. They say that it's some sort of taking control when I didn't really have control over anything in my life and now it's just hard to get out of this old habit of mine, I guess. I do know and see that this was and is not good for me but... I just... can't stop it... I'm trying, I just have some fallbacks... a lot of fallbacks, actually..." I turned to look down at my lap.

"How are things with Betty?"

"She learns how to deal with certain situations of mine. Most of the time she realizes that she triggered me even before I do... and then she tries to help me"

"That sounds good?"

"She's amazing" I smiled "I don't know how she still puts up with me, honestly. There are moments when I can't even stand myself and nevertheless she is still there, you know?"

"You've got good parts of yourself, Jug"

"That's what I told you back then too"

"And you were right, I hope?"

"I guess so..."

"Did I miss anything?" Betty asked, walking back to us. She sat back down next to me and I shook my head, smiling softly at her as I started to mindlessly fidget with her hand.

Slowly I was drifting off to sleep.

"Juggy," Betty whispered, kissing my cheek. I hummed, my eyes fluttering open "Hey, sleepyhead, Myles and Emilia are tired, so I was thinking that we should go home" I sat up, rubbing my eyes and looking around to figure out where I was before I nodded.

"Mhm, yeah, okay" Betty went to change Emilia while I took care of Myles. When the two had on their jacket and outside shoes, we put them back in the buggy.

"Are you celebrating your birthday this year?" I asked dad while Betty and I were getting ready to leave as well. He nodded.

"Probably. I mean, I was thinking that we could maybe go to Pops, as a family, you know? If you would be up for that. And I'll pay, of course"

"When were you thinking on doing that?

"The weekend after January the 6th"

"I think that we should be able to come. But I will text you about it some time next week, if that's alright with you"

"Of course"

"Okay, thanks for the invitation — and for the presents for the two, they really weren't necessary"

"They were. The two are my grandchildren after all" I nodded, turning away from dad again.

I still couldn't help my chest tightening at that. No matter what, I might never be able to look at dad taking care of the twins without having this gut pull. The feeling that I didn't have that. Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad that Myles and Emilia have a loving family but I so deeply wished to have had that childhood too. I didn't want to have a past with abuse, neglect, alcoholism and bullying. I wanted to have a past consisting of healthy relationships, a sober father and a mother that stayed but I didn't have that and it still hurt for some stupid reason. I knew that it wasn't dad's fault, that getting sober and back on track takes a lot of time and courage. I get that. I know how hard that is by now. I've been through that too. And I know that I'll probably end up giving bad traits over to my children, that's the sad truth. How am I supposed to not do it when it's even hard to stay alive sometimes?

I knew all that.

Still, on some level, I was mad at him about all of it.

"Goodnight, Mr. Jones" Betty said, getting me out of my thoughts as she took my hand, leading me to the door.

"Yeah, uh- bye..."