i didn't want her to think i'm just a failed piece of machinery that needs to be fixed, i'm not broken. i was never broken to begin with.
but why is it so damn hard to not let her in.
⚘ ❀ ⋆ ⚘ ❀ ⋆ ⚘ ❀ ⋆ ⚘ ❀ ⋆ ⚘ ❀ ⋆ ⚘ ❀ ⋆ ⚘ ❀ ⋆ ⚘ ❀ ⋆ ⚘ ❀ ⋆
everyone...
today was the day i would be going back to school. after being in an inpatient program for about 6 dreadful months. let's just say i'd rather fucking be there than go, and that is saying a lot.
rolling over in bed, my face was still shoved into my absurd amount of pillows, i smashed my hand on my phone in desperate attempts to shut the alarm off.
the realization hit that no matter how long i delayed the alarm, i had no choice but to get up.
fuck this shit.
i stretched my body as i sat up in bed. the house was still completely silent, besides my joints popping and my cat purring in his sleep at the foot of my bed. an annoyed groan left my throat hoarsely as i flipped my covers off my bare legs.
immediately i walked over to the mirror in my room.
jesus fucking christ that's disgusting.
i shuddered and immediately turned away from my reflection. i couldn't even bare to see myself. i hated it, or, me i should say.
"i don't want to be me anymore" i whispered as i ran my fingers up my face and into my hair, tangling them at the root.
fuck this shit.
i yanked open my closet doors and threw clothes everywhere. "this'll do i guess." i huffed while throwing the clothes onto my barren body.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
i didn't have many friends at school, just madison. everyone else called me the "weird emo bitch."
didn't phase me that much though. nobody really bothered to know me and honestly i preferred it.
the less they know the better.
it's better to be the "weird emo bitch" instead of the "crazy bitch who never eats." either way i'm used to random insults being thrown at me so i'm just counting down the days till i receive that one.
soon enough i was grabbing my bookbag and putting my converse on at the front door.
fuck this shit.
"see you later" i said to my parents, who were in the kitchen. quickly i rushed out the front door and closed it as i heard my mom yell my name while simultaneously sighing loudly.
my mom and i used to have a morning routine of eating breakfast together and her dropping me off at school. that quickly changed and now i run out the door before breakfast and i walk myself to school.
fuck it though, i like my routine now better anyways.
-
fuck this shit.
the first class of the day started 5 minutes ago, so my first day back i'm already late. wonderful. i guess i was walking a bit too leisurely.
"you must be uh" the teacher paused, looking through her class list. "annaliese" i replied before scanning the room.
i was already being met with looks and whispers.
"alright annaliese you sit next to billie, billie raise your hand for me."
immediately i saw a hand raise, the hand was decorated with rings and long acrylic nails. i parted my lips just barely and exhaled as i walked over and sat down.
"fuck this shit" i whispered, burying my head in my crossed arms on the desk.
"hey" i heard the silver haired girl next to me whisper, tapping the side of her shoe into mine.
i ignored her, hoping she would just fuck off. i wasn't in the mood to speak to anybody and especially not in the morning.
"hellooo" she whispered again.
jesus fucking christ bitch take a hint.
i turned my head to the side, facing her while still laying across my arms. "hi?" i shot back, confused as to why she was even speaking to me.
"how are you?" she spoke again. i don't want her to be talking to me. i'm not in the mood for someone to treat me like i'm broken, i'm not.
i didn't want her to think i'm just a failed piece of machinery that needs to be fixed, i'm not broken. i was never broken to begin with.
practically everyone in my life has already given up, convinced i'm too far gone to be worth saving. all i hear is "your disorder has consumed you" and "i don't even recognize you anymore." but quite frankly, i don't even care. all i've wanted the past year of my life is for everybody to leave me alone and let me wither away.
the only person i actually will let in is madison. i don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
"i'm fine." i replied while shoving my face back into my arms. "do you want to hang out sometime?" she asked yet another question.
"um" i responded, i actually fully lifted myself up this time. i was met with crystal blue eyes staring back at me, they complimented her face so well.
billie's pov
i kept my gaze on the girl sitting next to me. she is breathtakingly beautiful. "so?" i spoke once again, she had yet to respond to my previous question.
"i don't think so bil" she laughed softly and put her head back down.
honestly i couldn't figure out why i wanted to be friends with her so badly but, she seemed different from everybody else. she had a story to tell, but this dreadful brokenness seemed to encapsulate her.
soon enough the bell rang and she was up and walking away quicker than i could open my mouth to speak. i watched her swiftly walk through the door, eyes looking down at her feet.
