i'm not broken - billie eilish

when i break

billie's pov

it's taken a lot to get to the point annaliese and i are at now. over the past three weeks we've spent so much more time together. it's resulted in our comfort levels increasing immensely with each other. i'm not over exaggerating when i say she's practically drew and zoe level status, to me at least.

even at this moment i still don't know a lot about her, but we are much more comfortable around each other. i'm thankful for that at least.

besides all of this i'm still worried about her. i haven't mentioned anything because i know how she is. but i'm really starting to think i should.

right now we were sitting in my back yard, the sun was setting.

this is really nice.

"annaliese i need to ask you something" i whispered and looked down to my lap. her head was in it and her body was sprawled out across the grass.

"hm" she responded, keeping her eyes closed. i took a pause, worried she would be mad at my next words. "are you eating?" i asked slowly.

i knew it wasn't my place but i was so worried about her. the whole time we've been friends, or whatever we are, i've seen her eat once. and i could see how upset it made her. i could see the rapid weight-loss she was going through. i was scared.

annaliese's pov

"are you eating?" billie said reluctantly.

what the fuck.

my eyes flew open and i was immediately met with her anxious eyes looking down at me. i couldn't blame her but all i felt was anger.

angry because i didn't hide it well enough. angry because she cared. angry because i allowed her to care. angry because i decided to let down my walls for once in my life.

look where that got me.

"i'm fine" i said, sitting up from the position i was in across her lap and then standing. "but-" i cut billie off before she could even begin.

"i'm fine and i don't need you or anybody for that matter to help me or fix me or whatever you want to call it. i'm not broken."

i didn't realize i was yelling until i finished speaking and the tears in billie's eyes were extremely noticeable.

"sorry." i mumbled and ran out of her backyard and down the street towards my house. i felt so bad leaving her there, but i don't think there was much else either of us could've said.

i needed to be alone.

billie's pov

annaliese ran out of my backyard to what i assumed to be back home, leaving me sitting in my backyard. alone.

-

"billie i'm sure she isn't upset with just you" finneas attempted to reassure me. it wasn't working very well.

why else would she have ran off? why did she react the way she did?

it didn't make sense.

"that doesn't make sense finneas." i responded shortly. he knew i was upset, there was really nothing he could do. i sighed, giving him a hug and leaving his room and returning to my own.

quickly i pulled out a sharpie, uncovering my wall and i began writing on it.

no matter what happens i will always love.

after i finished writing i stared at the words for a moment. something didn't feel right about them. quickly i crossed out the words 'always' and 'love' with X's and wrote

be broken

next to 'i will'. tears filled my eyes as i recapped the marker and threw it across my room angrily.

this shit is so stupid.

nobody who knows me would describe me as a dark person. a sad person. i'm not, i'm actually very energetic and i always have been. but i get into these periods where i feel like the whole world is falling onto me.

that's when i break.

-

"bil someone is here to see you" i heard my mom say through my closed door. secretly i was hoping it wasn't zoe, nor drew. i wasn't in the mood to talk to them. i groaned and opened my eyes, met with the harsh red glow of my red lights i immediately shut them again.

i heard my door open and then close. i remained in a fetal position on my bed, eyes closed still. i heard footsteps walk over to where i was laying. still no words echoed in my ears yet. nobody spoke. i felt someone climb onto my bed with me and sit opposite of me.

"hi"

i only hummed in response. i knew exactly who it was now, it was annaliese. i opened my eyes to see her sitting on my bed, her legs up so her chin could rest on her knees.

"i'm sorry." she said softly. it felt like we were always just apologizing to each other. i was tired of it, i wanted it to change.

annaliese's pov

"i'm sorry." i murmured to billie once i saw she opened her eyes. i could tell she was thinking about what i was saying. "you're staring billie" i added, letting out a small laugh.

"admiring" she said in return while pushing herself up to sit in her bed instead of being curled into a ball. "do you want to talk or" she continued. i took the hint already that she was very upset with me after i snapped her a couple times with no reply.

"sure" was the only thing i said for about five minutes before i got up and walked to the other side of her room. i glanced at my own reflection in the mirror. it was dark in her room, a dark red. my hair looked darker than it really was, all the black detailing on my clothing and jewelry was accentuated.

"what are you doing?" billie asked confused, she was watching me study myself in the mirror. quickly i turned around, pushing my hair out of my face.

"do you ever just look in the mirror and all you can think is, i don't want to be this. i don't like this. i don't like you. i don't want to be you anymore." i asked her calmly. she shrugged in response and motioned for me to come back over, but i didn't.

"well for me, that's every day. i can't stand my reflection but it's what i'm obsessed with most. for years of my life i've had this overwhelming urge to make myself perfect and nothing ever fits my expectations. no matter what i do i still hate what i see. and you're one of the only people that even know all of this about me. just you and madison. that's it."

i could tell by the look on billie's face she didn't know what to say. maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me but she was staring at me like i was some kind of grotesque creature.

"you're staring bil" i huffed, pushing my hair out of my eyes once again.

she took a breath and then another long pause, "you know i think you're beautiful annaliese." billie flatly stated.

1193 words