Counting on you (Suicidal Ash)

The Oceans Deadly Silence

A/N: Ash POV unless said otherwise

Did I deserve to be out here?

No.

I don't even get how I got myself stranded in a lifesaving boat. The one thing I knew tho was that I was together with Pikachu and we were on a boat to get to the Galar region. I was about to try my luck there and be a champion. It really was something I felt like I needed to do. My partner was with me of course and we were heading towards there with my team. Of course I don't really use my team but would get a new team assembeled. It was my joy in training them and be together with them. In the end I kinda wanted a team which was a mix of old and new. One that could beat everyone and be on top.

That was my dream. I wanted to be apokemon master but everything went down a rabbit hole because now I didn't know what to do anymore.

I can't believe they ditched me.

Even Pikachu...

Why would they do this?

I just wanted the best for them.

Don't they wanna fight with me and stay on my side?

Why?

I was out on the ocean all alone. There was nothing with me. No supplies, no pokemon nothing. I was there all alone. Even when I looked down into the ocean I couldn't see anything that I could try to fish.... It would be useless anyways. I didn't had a pokeball with me.

Alone.

That was what I was.

Nothing was around me at all.

Then the worst thing was that I was only in this situation because Pikachu made me follow it just to tackle me into this life-safing-boat and the next thing I knew, he just let me down on and I was drifiting off. Did I wanted to swim after them?

Of course I wanted to do this but was it worth it?

They wanted to get rid of me and that alone made me to think.

I.. Did I mistreat them?

Did they find someone better than me?

They must have done that...

But why do this?

Do they want me dead?

Am I this useless...

I lost soo many battles...

Is this really what they want?

I am really useless.

I don't deserve to dream of being a pokemon master when my own partner let me down like this.

The more I thought about it, the more I felt betrayed and the sadder I felt. It was not only betrayal but this was something I never felt before. I was quite speechless and while I was out on the ocean, I also started to feel the coldness and the silence getting to me. 

Pikachu really must have hated being on my shoulder.

It seems as if I did soo many things wrong.

I am useless.

I knew it.

I can't get things right and I never manage to finish things too.

Why did I even thought I could do this?

More and more, I was slitting down the rabbit hole and as day started to change into night time, I started to feel cold and hugged myself. I was thirsty, hungry and lonely but I felt empty inside. No tears nothing just empyness as I came to term with what just happened.

I couldn't really tell how long I was out on the ocean but it was long enough to actually start to get to me. There was no person I could talk to, just demons in my head.

You ignored their feelings!

You are a terrible trainer!

Why switch up your own fucking team so often!

Are they not loyal enough to fight with one?

They wanted to get stronger and you?

What about you weakling?

You stayed behind them!

They surpassed you.

You are useless.

I knew that much. I knew I was a bad trainer but I loved them. I thought I shared a special bond with them. Oh how wrong I was. The only thing I regretted was that I couldn't have said my mom goodbye. 

Me: If... If there is... someone.... there.... please... tell her... I loved... her...

That was all I could say with my dried up throat. It was hot out here on the sea and the sun was shining down on me day in and out. Time was something I by now hated. The sun was something I wanted to kill and the darkness came just right. It felt like a relieve washing over me.

Maybe I am better of dead.

Yeah.

They wanted me dead anyways.

I wonder if my mother knew about this...

Wasn't it obvious?

She send me away from home packing my stuff and everything.

Of course she wanted to get rid of me.

Yeah....

I am useless and can't even help her out.

I am better of dead.

I can't do anything right.

I was drifting there out in the ocean and there was really no one around me, nothing could safe me nor help me. While I was laying there I started seeing some winguls flying above me. Oh how I wished to be free from this pain. By now I felt numb and tired.

Was this the end?

I wished it was.

While I closed my eyes to rest what felt like my last rest, I started hearing some splashing sounds. It sounded like it was heading my way but I didn't care at all. I was too tired for anything right now.

Did someone find me?

Maybe a wild pokemon...

Is it worth it?

They are probably just passing bye.

Yeah....

Who would care about a small orange boat anyways.

As I was thinking that, my heavy eye lead started to close but the last thing I could make up was something yellowish and pink. I was too tired and my body was drained so I couldn't really make out what it was. All I wanted after all was to sleep and let it be. I've been betrayed and I deserved it. My team just deserved more than what I could give them and as useless as I was there was no hope going on anymore. This world was far to away from my hands reach. It wasn't for me and I knew that much. I gave up.