Counting on you (Suicidal Ash)

A waste

Sister Joy brought over some food and left us alone again. It was Greninja who then came to me with the trail and decided to hand it to me.

Greninja: Greninja.

Me: Thanks.

There was a small table right next to my bed side where I put the trail down and took te bowl of soup which was on there. I hated it. My whole body was against this idea of putting food in my mouth. Just the smell of it made me want to throw up. Still I didn't wanted to be rude and with the pokemon on my side, there was no chance I would act up like a spoiled brat now.

I really don't want to eat anything ...

But thinking about the food that was prepared and the people that are starving at another place.

I really should be happy about this.

But why?

Why can't I be happy about it?

I looked at the food and slowly took a spoonful into my mouth. It was plainly flavourless but the thing was the moment I had it in my mouth, I immediately felt my stomach acting up. I didn't had a thing inside or shouldn't but that spoonful which I forced myself to swallow down layed heavy in my stomach.

I have to eat this.

Sister Joy went out of her place to get me something.

This is the least I can do!

Bit by bit, I started eating it. For me it tasted like nothing but the effect was just horrible on my stomach. 

Greninja was also eating his berries as he was sitting there with me but I couldn't take it anymore and put the bowl back on the table before dashing out the room to the toilets. I knew the layout of the pokemon center since it was always the same one and I've for sure been here before.

I am so sorry.

I am so useless.

I can't even keep the food she made for me.

There are people starving out there too.

Even pokemons could really use this kind of food.

This was just a waste on me.

I was there laying on the ground while completly throwing everything back up again. I felt horrible and I was exhausted after this too. The after taste was in my mouth but I didn't cared about it. 

Greninja: Greninja!

Miserable that was the only thing that could describe me right now. There was really nothing else to say. I was laying there on the ground hanging close to the toilet as I just emptied my whole stomach. Still I felt someone petting me and knew that this was him.

Greninja: Ninja.

How can he still be here with me?

I am so pathetic.

I am making him stay here because of me.

He should be out tere and not here with me.

I am sure he has a home by now and that was for sure not by my side.

As this thought crossed my mind, I gritted my teeth and tears started to whell up in my eyes. Useless that was what I was and I couldn't think any different from me.

Greninja: Ninja!

I heard the door open and the Greninja scream at a pokemon. It was the one that was always with Sister Joy and knew he was about to call for help. No! I couldn't take this anymore at all and so I slowly got up and used the toilet paper to wipe away the tears and my mouth.

Me: I am fine.

That was all I could say.

Me: I am fine.

I don't want to bother anyone.

Please!

Please just leave me be.

Slowly standing up, I went to the sink and startd splashing my face with water as well as wask away the taste in my mouth. 

Greninja: GRENINJA!

Me: I am fine.

Greninja: Greninja.

Me: I am sure, I am fine buddy.

He had his arms once again crossed and looked at me. Yeah I must have seen more than pathetic in his eyes. Maybe I even looked like a fool but I didn't care at all.

This is for the best.

Just let me be.

Greninja: Ninja!

Me: I- I really am fi-

I was about to get close to him to walk back to my room and assure him that I was fine. I wanted to tell the pokemon on my side that all I needed was rest. Tho the truth was, that I needed a different kind of rest then what he was thinking.

While I tried to walk closer, I all of the sudden felt my leg give up and was about to fall down if not for the Greninja to catch me. It was only with his help that we got back to the room. Thanks to his screams earlier and the other pokemon that I heard, I saw Sister Joy run towards us.

Sister Joy: Oh god, Ash are you okay?

Me:  Yeah... I just feel a bit weak.

Greninja: Ninja!

Sister Joy: I don't think this is it, from the sound of your partner that wasn't it too.

Me: I am sorry.

Sister Joy: For what?

Me (whispering): Everything.

I was sure that she didn't hear me but my partner was. Greninja immediately reacted and stopped in track. He looked shocked hearing my answer but he soon started to help me get back into the bed and I really felt too done for anything, so I decided to just sleep it off.

I am so sorry.

I never wanted this.

If only I had realized what was going on sooner.

I shouldn't just be here and bother you all.

I am so sorry.

I am so useless!

I should vanish and die already.

This is too much.

I am just robbing people of their time!

This isn't worth it!

I can't do this for much longer.

I just.... I want to die... 

I will need to find a way.