Reader x Danny Gonzales, Kurtis Conner, Drew Gooden

The Cure

"That was a beautiful yet sad story, Kurtis. Anyways, to turn Danny into a ghost we have to go to Bo Burnham the Lizard Wizard?!" You ask desperately.

"I'm afraid it's not that easy," Kurtis explains, "Robert only turns his own kind into ghosts, if they request it, that is."

"Wait does that mean that we have to come up with some convoluted plan to make Danny's body look like a lizard?" You ask.

"I was thinking that maybe if we asked nicely he would do it; but I agree that making him look strangely like a lizard is a better plan." Kurtis ponders.

You pick up a can of green spy paint and spray it all over Danny's body.

"Guys I don't know if this is a good idea, you don't know how Bo Burnham acts. Y/N why don't you go watch some of his comedy acts to get an idea about who he is, I'll spray paint Danny."

You go and watch multiple of Bo's comedy movies and shows, but you still don't understand him.

"Um Drew I really don't understand Bo Burnham's comedy.." you turn to Drew who immediately starts saying a speech he seems to have rehearsed.

"To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Bo Burnham. The humor is extremely subtle and without a solid grasp of Political Science, sociology, and psychology, most of the jokes go right over the typical viewers head. There's also Robert's accelerationist outlook, which is definitely woven into his characterization. His personal philosophy draws heavily from McIlan's literature for instance. The fans understand this stuff, they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these jokes. To realize they aren't just funny, they see something deep in life. As a consequence the people who dislike Bo Burnham truly are idiots, of course they can't appreciate the humor in Bo Burnham's existentialist catch-phrase: "I want to freaking die" which in itself is a cryptic reference to Son Paul Sartics. I'm smirking right now imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Robert Burnham's genius wit unfolds on them. WHAT FOOLS! How I pity them. And yes I do have a Bo Burnham tattoo, and no you can't see it, it's for the ladies eyes only. And even then they have to demonstrate that they're within 5 IQ points of my own, preferably lower beforehand. Nothing personal kid."

You quickly get up and walk to the kitchen.

"What are you doing in there?" Drew shouts.

"I realized that to summon Bo Burnham you need Sour Kraut, and I realized I had some in my pantry." You sniff the repulsive jar of whatever sour kraut is made out of. (Seriously what's it made out of?)

"Oh yeah, Drew finished painting, I'll instruct you on how to summon the dreaded Lizard Wizard." Kurtis says eerily, because he's a ghost.

"Sounds good" you shout.

You all walk over to Danny's corpse, spray painted green. Kurtis instructs you to just dump the entire jar on his chest and to say the words "Number 15 Sour Kraut. The last thing you want on your burger is Sour Kraut."

As the final words escape your slightly damp lips, a thundering boom comes from the sour kraut on Danny's corpse's chest.

"He's here." Drew says dramatically as he smolders.

"I got this feeling in my body way down deep inside me I try to to fight it, and a few things start to happen my vision starts to flatten and my heart it goes to tappin' AND I THINK IM GONNA DIE!" Bo Burnham, King of France, Lizard Wizard starts to emerge from the Sour Kraut.

"Okay what do you want" Robert's voice thunders.

"We beseech you Bo Burnham, please turn Danny Gonzales into a ghost." You beg.

"Bruh." Bo Burnham simply looks at Danny's spray painted body. "This isn't a lizard, I'm out of here, I have to rule France." Bo turns into a Sour Kraut scented mist.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO" you sob as you hold Danny's now disgusting green, Sour Kraut scented lump of mass. You forcefully open his orblids, his orbs were the most beautiful blue. Almost like Drew's orbs, but definitely a different shade of baby blue.

"I'm sorry, he's gone" Drew pulls you away from Danny's corpse. "I'll go get Kurtis to burry him out back."

"I can't, I'm a ghost." Kurtis says ghoulishly.