Moyurakhkhi's Cigarettes

43| Red Velvet

May 31st, Day 365

"What are you doing here?"

"You could at least pretend to be happy I'm here," I grumbled, sauntering into MS' drawing room.

"You've given up," he stated, crossing his legs.

"It's literally the last day of your thing, so yeah," I said, plopping down on his sofa opposite him. There was a cup of tea on the table's glass surface, along with a plate of red velvet cookies. I picked up two of them at once and shovelled them into my mouth.

He didn't look impressed. "So? You are 'literally' in love with a boy who 'literally' wants to date you!"

I sighed. "I have lost Sahal once. I know what that's like. I can't do that again."

"Who says you won't lose him again?" he asked, pouring me a cup of tea. It was chamomile. Eugh. What I needed right now was weed. I wish Debasish were here, he'd hook me up with some.

"I won't. I can still be his friend. I don't care who he dates or how much it hurts me, I'm never leaving him again."

"And how do you know that he will not leave first?"

I glared at MS. "He won't."

MS took off his red-rimmed glasses and started cleaning them with his white kurta. He sighed. "You might remember that at one point, I truly believed that I was going to die. I will not say that it was foolish. The remnants of my belief are still ingrained in my mind, but I no longer resonate with them."

"Okay," I said, stuffing red-velvet cookies into my mouth, unsure of where he was going with this. He would undoubtedly find a way to make this about me. But I knew that, didn't I? I told myself that I wanted to be here because I did not know what to do with myself. That would mean that secretly, I wanted to be told what to do. I wanted to find some sort of hope, that it wasn't all over for me. That I could still find some way to ask someone out and go to fucking London so that I don't fucking hate the rest of my life.

MS sighed. "My dear - I was so muddled in my fear of death that I barely realised that I was digging my own grave. I wanted to protect myself, yet ended up causing pain. To myself. To others."

"I know what you're thinking, but I'm taking this decision because it's practical. Not based on some stupid fear of love and romance. I'm doing this to maintain my friendship with Sahal."

He quirked a brow and sighed. "Will life let you? Maintain your friendship?"

I was about to open my mouth in protest, when I remembered Debasish.

I hadn't heard from him in months. We still cared about each other, but we were both just so exhausted all the time. There was a lot going on in my life and there was a lot going on in his life, and none of those things matched. It was all small talk and small talk didn't feel right with one of my best friends. 

Maybe it would've been different if we could talk face to face. If we met once in a while.

"I'd rather do it myself," I mumbled.

"What was that, darling?"

"It's inevitable, heartbreak. But I would be happier knowing that I did what I could to make this work! I could love him and- and try my best to remain friends even when we're lovers! What we have is so, so precious to my heart. Why would I- it doesn't make any sense to leave it to fend for itself!" Something that resembled a smile appeared on my face. "I would rather take charge of it."

If it goes wrong, I'll lose him. This time, probably forever.

But what if it goes right?

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