confusion // elmax

Chapter 2 - gay?

Eleven POV

Mike is walking me home again, which I suppose he believes is romantic, but I find it annoying. He is being loud and rude as always, talking about DnD or something that I do not care about. I would rather be alone after what happened at the cinemas anyway.

Will is beside us. He is very interested in whatever Mike has to say, which thankfully lets me be silent for the walk home. He gazes up at Mike attentively, listening to every word as though it is important.

When we arrive home Mike tries to kiss me goodbye, but I push him away. I do not want to kiss him right now.

"Oh, come on! You already rejected me for like half of the movie!"

I sigh and kiss him, his cold lips mashing against mine. I used to like kissing him, but as we have gotten older he has become more annoying and less romantic. I pull away and almost sprint inside, wanting to get away.

I am lying on my bed later that evening. I think about Mike. I wish I could care about what he has to say the way Will does. I wish I cared about him the way Will does. I know I am supposed to love him, but really I do not. He saved my life long ago, therefore I should be in love with him. I have seen it in movies. But I don't. 

Honestly, I feel about Max how I used to feel about him. She is kind to me, she cares, and we are best friends. I sometimes wish that girls could like girls that way so I could date her and not Mike, but love doesn't work that way. It is not allowed. It doesn't really seem to matter to me, but no other girl is ever in love with a girl, or vice versa with boys. It is just the way it is.

The next day

Will POV

El and I are watching a movie on the couch. Some romance film. I love these, and usually El does too, but today she seems uninterested, like she doesn't care. I sit up and face towards her.

"What's up?" I say. She looks over at me and tentatively asks:

"Why are the people kissing only ever a boy and a girl? Why not a girl and a girl? Or a boy and a boy?"

I swallow hard. No one else knows I'm gay, and I don't have any intention on telling anyone. I'd honestly rather live a loveless life with some random girl than live life constantly being judged and picked on just for liking a boy.

"Well, it's not really allowed..." I try to explain.

"So it cannot happen?" she looks... sad, almost.

"No, it could, but no one would watch the movie. Most people don't agree with gay people in movies. Or in real life."

"Gay? What is gay?"

"If a girl likes a girl, or a boy likes a boy, they're called gay."

"Is it... a bad thing? To be gay?"

Of course not! At least, I don't think so. Lots of people say it is because it's 'against the Bible' but it's fine, really." I explain.

She leans her head back against the couch, mumbling.

"I would watch a gay movie."

Max POV

I lie on my bed trying to process my thoughts. I try to think about Lucas. Or any boy. But all that comes into my head is El. Her. Everything about her. I shake my head and try to snap out of it, but I can't.

Why do I feel like this?

Could I actually be gay?

Why me?