Lake of Fire [k. cobain]

eight

Kurt

I couldn't feel worse about the way Andi had found out about me. When she and her family left I went back to my room and buried my head in my pillow.

Now what? I had been so at peace here where I wasn't recognized. Now where was I going to go when I needed to get away from Courtney and her madness? I knew I wanted a divorce but everything was so complicated.

And then there was Andi. She was everything opposite of Courtney—funny and sweet, if not a little naive. And her smile captivated me. I would do anything to see that smile. But now I didn't know if I ever would again.

What the fuck is wrong with you, I wondered to myself. You could have anything in the world. You do have the world, you fucking ungrateful son-of-a-bitch. I drew in a deep sigh. It was true. I was ungrateful and unworthy of all the fame I had somehow achieved. Honestly, I wished I could make it all disappear.

I couldn't. But I could come close.

I barely even felt the needle prick my skin anymore when I shot up. I was so focused on the euphoria to come. I shot up a lot, instantly feeling the pleasant head rush. I slumped back against the bathtub.

Here, I was numb. Here, it didn't hurt. Here, I didn't quite want to end it all. Here, I thought of Frances, her beautiful smiling face a beam of light in this cold world. My sweet child. She deserved so much better than me—a junkie dad who was never around. I couldn't ruin my precious baby girl.

Here, I didn't have to listen to Courtney shriek and scream about how she was unhappy. Here, I didn't have to endure her constant criticism. Here, I didn't have to worry about her finding me doing drugs, even though she was the world's biggest hypocrite.

And then there was Andi... such a beautiful, sweet soul of a girl. She captivated me for some reason. I just wanted to know more about her. But now I had broken her trust, and I didn't know if I'd ever get it back. I will, I resolved, as my vision faded away. I drifted off into peaceful, euphoric sleep.

Andi

After everyone was dropped off, I went and parked my car by a nearby lake. It was serene to stare off at the water while my thoughts wandered.

Kurt. Kurt Cobain. Nirvana. Famous. Rockstar. These words swam around in my head over and over. I was struggling to connect any of them to the guy I thought I was getting to know, who seemed so quiet and sweet.

I thought about Kurt's reason for not telling me. I analyzed what he had said and I tried to understand. I guessed it would get exhausting being famous. I probably wouldn't tell everyone if they didn't already know. But some time before he kissed me, he should have let me know who he was, I decided.

So how did I move forward from here? I drew in a deep sigh. I didn't want Kurt to go away. If I was honest with myself, I was intrigued about him. Still, I felt like he owed me some sort of apology or something. We should probably try to talk, I decided. If he was even still around.

Famous! It still just blew my mind. He seemed so ordinary. He looked the furthest thing from famous. And he acted so down to earth. Suddenly I wanted to know everything about Kurt Cobain.

I started the engine to my car and left the lake, taking off for my next destination: the record store. There I picked up every Nirvana cassette they had. It was more money than I should be spending but I worked all the time and never got anything for myself, so I didn't care too much.

I played Nevermind first. I was instantly blown away by the sound. It was nothing like I'd ever heard before. And Kurt's voice was unbelievably amazing. I couldn't believe he had that sort of talent. I was seriously impressed.

I spent the rest of the day listening through the cassettes, enjoying all the music Kurt had made. I wondered what I was getting myself into. I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up with him.

Still, when evening came around and I had gotten my entire family home, I decided to take a ride to the motel. I told my family I had to run to the store. As I drove over, I listened to Lithium, one of my favorite songs. I couldn't wait to see Kurt—to tell him it was okay, and that I wanted to be his friend.

My heart raced as I pulled up to the motel. I parked my car outside the room where he was staying. I walked up to the door and knocked. And waited. And waited.

I knocked again. Still, no answer. That was really weird, I thought. Maybe he didn't want to talk to me.  I returned to my car and sadly drove home, not knowing what to think.

Kurt

From the bathroom floor I vaguely thought I heard a knocking sound. But there was no way I was standing up, so I ignored it, and it eventually went away. And I passed out again.