Lake of Fire [k. cobain]

fourteen

Andi

The ride home was agonizing. It had only been an hour and the silence was killing me. Kurt and I had been operating in this weird distant but civil way. It was killing me inside.

God, I loved him. I loved him more than anything. Part of me just wanted to forgive him and get back to being us, but part of me couldn't. At least not yet. He had fucked up big time.

Kurt fiddled with the radio dial. A Sonic Youth song came on. I desperately wished Kurt would sing along, or at least hum. But he was silent. Tears streamed down my face before I could stop them.

Kurt glanced over at me.

"Don't cry," he said quietly.

"I'm sorry," I answered.

"No, I'm sorry," Kurt replied. "I've made so many mistakes and if you never want to see me again for the rest of you life, I'll try to understand, although I'm not sure how I'll ever let you go."

"Kurt," my voice broke. "I just need some time, okay? I need to think." I was surprised by my mature response considering part of me wanted to yell at him.

"I understand that," Kurt answered after a moment. We continued to ride in slightly less awkward silence.

The next morning, I was giving Jody a ride to work before I went in to my job.

"So..." Jody popped her gum. "How was it? How was he? Give me all the details."

"I don't want to talk about it," I answered sharply.

"Oh c'mon! You don't get to go off and screw Kurt Cobain and not tell me about it afterwards."

"You know what? Fuck Kurt!" I exclaimed angrily. "I'm through with him."

"So you never did it?..."

"Yes! We did it! Okay? It was absolutely amazing!" I froze in horror at what I had just admitted.

"Oh my god, Andi!" Jody squealed. I buried my face in my hands.

"Look. I'm pissed. He has a wife and kid, Jody. You could've told me."

"You didn't know? How the fuck did you not know? It's all over the news!"

"Oh, because I have so much free time to watch the news," I snapped. "You really thought I wanted to go away for a weekend with a married guy?" I demanded.

"Well, he's a fucking rockstar," Jody answered. "God, you're so lucky. In time you'll realize that you should never regret it."

"Yeah. We'll see about that." 

My shift at the motel dragged. I couldn't stop thinking about Kurt. What if he really was miserable? What if he just did need some companionship, and then we became something more?

He fucked up—definitely. But was it unforgivable? I wasn't sure yet. He definitely needed to get that divorce. There was clearly a reason he was dragging his feet. Why? Who knew.

I mean, Courtney Love was gorgeous. She was a rockstar in her own right. But if she was as crazy as Kurt claimed, I could understand how he wanted to get away from her.

He was just going about all of this in a very poor way. And I needed to inform him as such, I decided.

Except he never showed up.

Three days went by. Then a week. Then a whole fucking month went by. No sign of Kurt anywhere. Maybe he never was coming back. I had ruined it.

I was working one evening. It was nearly time for my shift to be over. The door jingled as it swung open. And there he was.

He looked haggard and gaunt, paler than I'd seen him last and definitely in need of a shower. My heart immediately sank.

"Kurt," I breathed softly.

"Andi," he answered. He cleared his throat quickly. "I'm just looking for a room for the night."

"Sure thing," I answered, ringing up the register. "That'll be $37.50." Kurt counted out two twenties in silence. I handed him his change.

"Listen, Andi. If you'd come by when your shift is over, please? I have a lot to talk to you about."

I turned around and grabbed room seven's key, removing it from its hook on the wall. I spun around to hand it to Kurt. His eyes met mine and I felt my heart leap to my throat.

"I'll think about it," I managed. I was acutely aware of the way our hands brushed when I handed him the key. He gave me a meaningful nod and turned to walk out of the small office.

I breathed out a sigh I hadn't realized I'd been holding in. What was I doing? Why did Kurt look like hell? I was so worried about him. But I was still angry.

Plus, he had disappeared for a month without explanation. A month! Who did that and then just waltzed back in like nothing happened?  I wasn't having it. Not this easily.

I stewed for the final moments of my shift. What should I do? I knew I should go straight to my car and go home. But part of my heart was literally screaming out for Kurt—aching for him like nothing I'd ever felt.

I drew in deep breaths as the end of my shift neared. Finally, after careful deliberation, I decided that I would go and hear what Kurt had to say.