Lake of Fire [k. cobain]

thirteen

Andi

I loved spending time at the cabin with Kurt. He made me happier than I had ever felt. This seemed too good to be true. We couldn't resist staying snuggled in bed together late into the morning on Sunday.

"I want this forever," Kurt mumbled, snuggling closer to me.

"Me too," I answered. He pressed a kiss against my forehead and I melted. I adored him so much.

"Andi," Kurt said softly after a moment. He turned so he was leaning over me.

"Yeah?" I asked. He reached out and slowly touched my cheek.

"I just want you to know that I have never in my life felt the way I feel about you. Not for anyone else, ever. Okay?" Kurt's eyes looked almost desperate. I wondered why he seemed so worried. He knew I loved him.

"I've never felt this way about anyone either," I answered. Suddenly Kurt kissed me fiercely. I responded instantly. My heart was exploding with love for him.

He stopped kissing me after a moment. He was very quiet, even for Kurt.

"What's wrong?" I asked. Kurt shook his head.

"It's so fucking complicated," he answered.

"You can tell me anything," I answered.

"Not this," he responded darkly.

"What do you mean?" I asked. "I don't want secrets between us."

Kurt looked at me with suddenly tear-filled eyes.

"It's too late for that."

"What do you mean?"

"Fuck, Andi!" I flinched. "I'm sorry," Kurt continued. He sat up and moved away from me. "It's just... what I have to tell you. Well, you're going to hate me."

"I doubt that," I answered, turning to face him. "What is it?" His face went ghost white. He almost looked green. Sweat beaded on his forehead. What could possibly have him this worried?

"Andi... I can't let you find this out some other way... so I—I have to tell you. Fuck. Andi. I—I'm married. And I have a kid."

I felt like the floor was going to drop out from under me.

"Excuse me, what?" I demanded.

"I—I'm married. I mean, I'm not happy, Andi. I'm miserable. I want a divorce. But in the public eye, it's so complicated."

"How could you keep this from me?" I cried. "What? Did you think I just wouldn't care? Jesus Christ, Kurt, I knew you were mysterious but I never would have fucking guessed this!" I ran from the room crying and shut myself into a spare bedroom. I wanted to be alone.

Kurt didn't follow me. I buried my face into a pillow and cried. Married? I could hardly comprehend it. I mean, it made sense with the way he showed up at the motel so sporadically, never talking about where he had been in between. But I had just assumed he was busy with his work.

How could I be so stupid? Everyone probably knew this. Fuck, Jody and Lacey probably knew! I was beyond humiliated. I was done with Kurt Cobain.

But God, how I loved him—how my heart absolutely shattered over and over again each time I heard him repeating the words in my mind. Married. A kid. A kid!

I couldn't even wrap my mind around him having a kid. I felt bad. All this time he was spending with me should have probably been spent with his child.

Still, you don't know how bad things are for him, a voice in my head told me. What if his wife really was horrible and he couldn't stand to be there? Then he should get a divorce! I was so furious! I should have known nothing good could ever happen to me.

I eventually exhausted myself with thinking and sobbing, and I fell asleep.

When I awoke I was covered with a blanket. I looked out the window. The sun was high in the sky. It was late afternoon. I'd slept for a while.

I groaned as memories of earlier came flooding back. I decided to take a hot shower before I went looking for Kurt. I really didn't know what to say to him. I knew I should demand for him to take me home at once... but I just couldn't.

After I was freshly showered, I emerged into the living room/kitchen area.

I found Kurt on the couch, scribbling furiously into a notebook, his brow furrowed. Trying to ignore how beautiful he was, I made my way to the kitchen. I was starving.

"I made lunch," Kurt called from the couch. There was a nice club sandwich put together for me, sitting in the fridge. I almost didn't want to eat it, but my stomach growled.

"Thank you," I replied quietly, before sitting down at the kitchen table to eat. The silence was unbearable. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks.

A moment later, I glanced up from the table. Kurt's eyes were on me and his eyes looked absolutely heartbroken. It killed me.

"What?" I asked.

"Andi, I can't stand this. I fucked up so badly and I know it. I am so sorry. I don't know how to make this better. I never should have lied. I just felt so comfortable around you. I didn't want to lose that feeling."

"I don't know what to say, Kurt." My voice broke.

"Say you love me. Say we can make this work. Please, Andi. I don't know what I'll do without you."

"Well you should probably spend some time with your kid!" I snapped. It was mean, but I didn't care. Kurt's face looked more hurt, if that was possible.

"I see my baby girl as much as I can when my crazy wife isn't around," he said softly. I'd clearly struck a nerve. A baby girl. He had a little girl. I tried to picture a sweet little baby with eyes as blue as his... stop, my mind told me. You're mad at him.

"I don't know what we do from here, Kurt."

"Listen, I'm going to divorce her. Courtney. I'll serve her the papers tomorrow. I promise, Andi. You're the one that I want."

"Sure." I rolled my eyes.

"Andi, if you knew the half of it. If you saw how awful she is, you'd understand."

"Then why did you marry her?"

"People change, Andi."

"Yeah. Clearly they do." I finished eating and dumped the rest of my sandwich into the trash.

"I'm going for a walk," I announced, before pushing open the door off the kitchen and stepping outside.